Last year, I:

• Lost my job at MTV, a job I loved
• Moved apartments
• Released my short film and the second Brains Extended Universe project
• Attempted to film and release a new web series, called “Why Isn’t Bri Making A New Web Series?”
• Failed at that
• Went broke
• Wallowed in self pity
• Started working for Stareable, first for free, then part time, then full time
• Crowdfunded for two projects in one month
• Wallowed some more
• Shot and released Sam and Pat Are Depressed season 1

This year, I:

• Shot and edited a brand new short film (January)
• Spoke at a web series panel/screening in New Jersey (February)
• Moved apartments, unplanned (February)
• Produced the web series The Mother Lode (February-April)
• Produced the web series Stray (February-July)
• Organized a film festival from scratch (January-July)
• Spoke at a film festival in Toronto (May)
• Launched a podcast with Stareable (June)
• Crowdfunded for Sam and Pat season 2 (June-July)
• Produced and shot Sam and Pat season 2 (May-August)
• Started a podcast for Sam and Pat (July)
• Spoke on a panel at FlameCon (August)
• Hired as the digital media professor for my old grad program (August)
• Spoke at a film festival in New Jersey (September)
• Starred in a one-act play (October-November)
• Started a DnD podcast (October)
• Started planning another film festival from scratch (November)
• Hit 1000 followers on Twitter (December)

“I am dedicated to making this year my most creatively fulfilling one yet, and so far, I’m as on track as possible.” -Bri, January 2018

Last year, the only new thing I created was Sam and Pat, a show I love and that continues to bring me joy. But I made it late in the year, after a year of professional and financial setbacks that nearly overtook me. Yes, my short film and a Brains EU project came out last year, but both were already completed and just needed releasing, so they don’t count as “new.”

Last year, I was miserable. Trump was newly elected, I was newly laid off, and I was floundering. I wasn’t creating, I didn’t feel productive, and everything sucked.

This year, whatever the opposite of that happened. As you can see from that list, I was building something every month, whether it was a film project for me, a film project for someone else, a podcast, or a major work event. I traveled all over to speak at festivals and film schools, was hired as an adjunct, and despite that, I still only completed half of my New Years Resolutions. I wanted a busy 2018, and I got it, but I’m looking forward to calming the hell down next year.

I’ve never been great at balance. Some (much) of this years’ busy schedule was out of my control, but plenty came from choices I made. I am… exhausted. Yes, I feel better about this year than last year, but I am so, so tired. I need a break. I need a vacation! I haven’t had a vacation all year- every day I took off of work was spent working on something else. Half my weekends (probably more) were overtaken by meetings, being on set, traveling to speak somewhere, or post production. Not again.

Since Brains came out in 2015, I like to think I’ve proven myself in the indie production arena. I’ve made two seasons of Brains, two extended universe projects, two seasons of Sam and Pat, and two short films, all in three years. And that’s not counting the projects I’ve personally produced (Relativity, the first two episodes of Vloggers, History, The Mother Lode, Stray). But I think that that phase of my life is coming rapidly to an end, for two reasons:

1. My means haven’t changed. While every project has of course improved in production value and marketing strategy, I still have no real, sustainable way of paying my cast and crew, let alone myself. And I’m past the point of the “passion project” defense. I’ve got plenty of no-budget work that I’m proud of on my resume, but unless my means change, every subsequent project is going to be more of the same. 
2. I don’t want to be a producer. I really, really don’t enjoy logistics, particularly when it’s not my project. I love the work I’ve gotten to do, and the people I’ve gotten to help, but I do not love producing, and continuing to produce will only make it harder to do the work I actually want to do: write and direct. 

I don’t want to continue to make no-budget work, begging friends to volunteer their services, and go further into debt every time I do. That’s not getting me to the next stage of my career, and makes me a shitty friend. With very few exceptions, unless my means to pay people (including marketing people) increase, I’m taking off my producer hat for a while.

So what does this mean for 2019? You’ll see in more detail when I publish my new New Years Resolutions on the 1st, but as a teaser:

• More writing. Like, by a lot
• More table reads, to keep in touch with actor friends despite likely not seeing them on set
• Releasing two projects (Buy In and Sam and Pat season 2) and giving them a real shot at success with all that I’ve learned about marketing, film festivals, and more
• Even more writing. I’m a writer, I should be writing, and not just how-to blogs for work
• Vacations. I didn’t take any time off in 2018 that wasn’t explicitly for an indie production, and I can’t do that again. I need to actually take non-work time because being this tired all the time isn’t healthy

2019 will hopefully be defined by boundaries and balance, two things I’m The Worst At. Since there is no finish line in sight, I’m going to try not to put so much pressure on myself to become a household name by 30. I am enough as I am right now, and killing myself to hit a “more impressive” level of success by a “more impressive” age is short-sighted and dangerous.

I’m an adult. And I need to start acting like one.

I hate the word “boyfriend.” Have for years. Once Quinn and I passed the two year mark it stopped feeling descriptive of our relationship, especially as we transitioned to living together and making furniture and holiday travel decisions as a unit. “Boy”friend just feels infantilizing at this stage: we’re in our late 20s, have been together for almost 6 years, and have lived together in relative harmony for 3. For lots of reasons we aren’t married yet, so fiance and husband are off the table. As a result, basically since I moved to New York, I’ve been slowly but surely transitioning to partner when I’m identifying him. Continue reading “Partner” →

Bri: Can I interview you for my blog?

Quinn: Sure.

Continue reading “Needlessly Mooney” →

I think as liberals, especially liberals who are well-educated about discourse and rhetoric and identity who could be considered the “intellectual elite”, we often get the idea into our heads that if we just won the argument, those who disagree with us will finally come around. I can cite endless clips from comedy and straightforward news programs alike where a liberal reporter or correspondent interviews people on the street with simple questions designed to make them think about their preconceived notions differently. Like most viewers of these programs, I held my breath waiting for just one interview subject to notice how absurd they’re being. Spoiler alert: it never, ever works. And so we all feel superior and smug and work on new thought experiments to try again. But in watching the endless and yet also far too brief Supreme Court hearings these past few weeks, I remembered that that’s not how it works. It’s not that these powerful men don’t believe Dr. Ford. Even if the FBI investigation had been allowed to run its full course, the decision makers wouldn’t be any more or less convinced. It’s not about belief. They just don’t care. Continue reading “It’s not about belief” →

Been a pretty piss-poor month as far as productivity goes. And that includes no blogging! I’m the worst.

This is a housekeeping blog because I haven’t done a cop out housekeeping blog in a while. Here are all the things I have to do that I’m currently avoiding doing:

• Editing Sam and Pat Are Depressed season 2
• Finishing editing Buy In, a short film we shot in January
• Editing Bri And Chris Are Depressed, a podcast
• Writing blogs for this website
• Paying an invoice for a medical expense because they sent me a physical piece of mail, like I’m an OLD PERSON
• Cleaning my room
• Cleaning my bathroom
• Cleaning my whole apartment
• Grocery shopping
• Writing new scripts
• Finishing old scripts
• Organizing my budget again
• Planning an upcoming trip
• Finishing THIS blog (just took an hour break)

 

And probably more. Talked to my therapist last night about my tendency to only have two phases: so busy I never take a break or sleep or so unbusy I can barely get out of bed. No middle ground. Should probably work on that.

(better blog coming this weekend. Probably)

(read a better one from August here)

This post has been edited/updated as of June 1st, 2020, for many happy reasons.

I don’t know how to write about sexuality. I absolutely don’t know how to write about mine. Because for most of my life, and all of my dating life, I was, for all intents and purposes, a heterosexual woman. Continue reading “Out” →

We wrapped principal production on Sam and Pat Are Depressed season 2 today, almost exactly a year after we wrapped production on season 1, and I can’t quite wrap my head around that feat. We shot 48 pages of script in 4 days, which, for those of you outside the film industry, is “bananas,” to quote my DP Conor. We hit 100% on our little Seed&Spark campaign in 15 hours, then eventually hit 253%, which allowed us to splurge on things like more food for cast/crew on shoot dates, production design, wardrobe, and more. This season looks fricking incredible, and it’s because of this little community we’ve built, of friends new and old, and I’m so beyond grateful. As is common when I finish productions, this is a thank you blog. Continue reading “Sam and Pat Have Many More Friends Now” →

It’s… going ok?

Resolutions: 2018 Edition

Produce 2 new projects I write to completion.- IN PROGRESS

Back in January I filmed my latest short film, co-written and co-produced by my buddy Colin Hinckley.

We also just completed crowdfunding for my second of the year, season 2 of Sam and Pat Are Depressed! That shoots… starting this weekend… so we’re on track!

 

Write a feature-length screenplay- PROBABLY AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN 

I’d love to be able to end the year with a new feature script, but this has been a challenging one to say the least, and given my workload at my day job (and the four projects I’m producing in full this year- the two I mentioned above and two that I was hired on earlier in the summer) I don’t see this happening. I could surprise myself, especially as I don’t have anything lined up post-August, but I’m also not gonna force inspiration that isn’t coming.

Post a blog twice a month and a personal YouTube video once a month.- PARTIAL FAILURE

I’ll definitely meet the blog post criterion, but I’ve already skipped… two months of videos. Well, vlogs. I’ve shot/edited around 20 videos in the past two months for the Sam and Pat crowdfunding campaign, so it’s safe to say I had other things going on. There was also a part of this resolution that had to do with doing more interesting shots in vlogs which also definitely is not happening.

Write 2 new TV scripts- one original pilot, one spec script.- IN PROGRESS

I’ll definitely have a new original pilot written unless I do nothing from now until January 2019, but I doubt I’m gonna get to the spec script. In terms of my personal creative/career priorities, like the feature screenplay, it might just not be my year.

Close caption all previous (and new 2018) projects – IN PROGRESS 

Brains, Sam and Pat season 1, and Relativity are all entirely closed captioned! What remains is Ace and Anxious, both Brains extended universe projects, and anything new I release online (might be Sam and Pat, might be Buy In, might be neither). This one I’m pretty confident I’m gonna complete. The hardest stuff is already over!

Save $1500 – IN PROGRESS

Savings so far: $1060

I’m on track AF!

Leave New York City at least twice.– COMPLETE

Trip #1: New Jersey to speak on a panel/ participate web series screening!

 

Trip #2: Toronto for work

Technically I also left the city for Hoboken for a web series shoot, and I will be home in Colorado before the end of the year as well. So DOUBLE completion!

Eat out less than three times a week and do something active every day.- FAILED

This happened for a little while, then work started piling up a pretty excessive amount and I had another infected ingrown toenail issue which made walking pretty painful, so I have not kept this up in a while. I wouldn’t say it’s entirely my fault, but it’s a little my fault, and it’s definitely a failure overall.

Take a photo every day- FAILED

Having a cell phone that makes a noise (that I cannot turn off without jailbreaking it) really hampers your ability to do this well, because taking photos in public, even of random stuff, is super embarrassing. I have definitely taken MORE photos this year than previously, but the letter of the law was not met, so this one is defo a failure.

Talk less, listen more.- IN PROGRESS

I feel like I’m doing alright at this? I definitely forgot this was a resolution, but in general I am making a concerted effort to talk less in conversations as I tend to be a bit of a bulldozer. I’ll keep a closer eye on this one for the rest of the year.

 

Final tally…

1 COMPLETE!

6 IN PROGRESS!

3 FAILURES/PARTIAL FAILURES!

Not great? But not terrible either. This year has been stressful in a way I’ve not ever experienced, which I’m sure I’ll write about next month when the main stuff is over. In the meantime, I should probably memorize my lines for Sam and Pat this weekend…..

 

*if anyone wants to help me CC Ace and Anxious, let me know!

Back in November 2017 I made very loud, public declarations that I would not be crowdfunding again for a good long time. In July 2018, in the final week of crowdfunding for yet another project, I am not sorry I caved. Sam and Pat means the world to me and the fact that we not only hit our initial (albeit relatively small) goal in 15 hours but have also over the course of the campaign suckered 35 people into helping us out is blowing my gourd.

Reasons why I believe in this project:

1. It’s simple and accessible. Discussions of mental health can often be heavy, but that doesn’t show the full spectrum of what living with mental illness looks like. I love that our show is small and simple and weird but still genuine and authentic.
2. My team is passionate and vulnerable when promoting it. It’s no secret that I miss Brains like a lost limb, but even when everyone was at their peak excitement for that show, our promotional efforts were more “we’re having a good time” than “we believe in this 100%.” This time, though, my team Went There with our promo videos, talking honestly about their experiences in therapy, their lives with depression, and I could not be more proud. They aren’t just on board because we’re all friends who like making things together. They’re on board because this is literally us. This is our experience. This is what we wish more people understood about us.
3. We’ve made a literal positive social impact. Not only have we gotten tons of enthusiastic feedback from the asexual community, thrilled that we’re making content featuring prominent ace characters, but at least one person has reached out to let us know that they’ve decided to pursue therapy again in part because of our show. I’m still beside myself knowing that email is in my inbox forever.
4. It’s so weird. And getting weirder. We’ve got 140 plastic easter eggs and a pack of fake mustaches on our props list for season 2. My character doesn’t obey the laws of continuity. Chris’s character might have a hostage. There’s a flashback in season one where I eat a full box of cereal with a giant wooden spoon while dramatic violin/piano music drones in the background. What’s not to love??

We’ve got a week left in crowdfunding, and though we’ve met our goal, it’s a pretty paltry one when you consider that for 2 episodes of another show I crowdfunded for/produced we raised $11,000 more. We’re making 9 episodes of Sam and Pat, plus 9 episodes of a companion podcast. No one is getting paid- we do this because we love it and we believe in it. Do you want to be part of the magic and also get a weird perk in return? Click here. There are price ranges for all. And if you’ve already joined up, thank you. Seriously. Thank you for believing in us and this show and what we’re trying to do.

Last month I had a work trip to Toronto. It was very exciting, because I’ve never been on a work trip and I’ve also never been to Canada NOR have I ever traveled internationally alone. The trip itself was fun by pretty low key. but it also made me think a lot about my job and the fact that confidence is largely performative.

Continue reading “Confidence is Nonsense” →