Author: Bri

After writing three novels last year, the most prose I’ve ever written at once and the ONLY prose I’ve written in over a decade, suffice it to say my current career aspirations are… confusing. And given the increasing professional slant to my NYRs these past few years, I’m definitely less sure of what I want to accomplish in practical terms in the year ahead! That being said, as an old married lady now, I suppose I could give a bit more thought to what I want my life, not my career, to look like by next December.

1. Save $5000. With student loan repayment on the horizon again (though since the original drafting of this post, it’s been pushed back to June rather than January), I decided not to increase my savings goal amount from last year, but I do want to keep putting money away if I can. My savings account has never looked better, and I’d like it to keep growing before the inevitable dramatic income loss that seems to hit me every 2-4 years because I work in a very volatile industry that’s only getting less stable the longer I spend in it.
2. Visit 5 National Parks. Because of our road trip honeymoon, Quinn and I asked for (and received) a National Parks Pass from our wedding registry. We only managed to hit 2 (Redwoods and Pinnacles) on that trip, but we’ve got a car, a National Parks Passport, and one year of free entry. Would be a shame to waste it!
3. Introduce physical activity into my weekly routine. I’m sure the 20th time something to this effect is on my NYR list is the charm, right?
4. Revise all 3 books I wrote last year. It’s polishing time, babes! And boy, do they need it!
5. Polish and send out 20 literary agent queries. The worst that can happen is I’m in the same place I am now: with three unpublished manuscripts I had a lot of fun writing. While it’s absolutely frustrating to have so much work (screenwriting and prose) that I love that hasn’t ever been further than a few friends’ inboxes, I will never regret the time I spent composing these stories.
6. Write 2 new scripts. Just because I’m back on the Prose Train doesn’t mean I’ve given up on the last decade of screenwriting and indie filmmaking. I’m hoping these two new scripts are a new pilot (I need new samples, as always) and the feature script I’m currently outlining with my friend Christina (also my filmmaking podcast co-host), but who knows!
7. Continue to cultivate a social life that isn’t completely professional. Because “it’s who you know” is such a cliche/reality of the entertainment industry, much of my socializing since grad school has had some level of networking slant to it, which is, frankly, exhausting. I want to cultivate a social life where I see people without having to make it productive (23 year old me is screaming, but she’s got other problems that we don’t have time to get into right now), and more regularly open my home and life to fun things like game nights, holiday celebrations, and dinner parties.
8. Finish my list of movies and shows people have recommended to me. Because I spent 2022 reading 300+ romance novels, I barely watched anything, and several people I trust recommended a lot of media I didn’t have time to consume because of that hyperfixation. Christine Cherry even made me a whole curated list of classic Star Trek TNG to help me understand the characters and tone well enough to start Deep Space 9, and I only made it through 3 episodes before abandoning all her hard work completely to read about yet another future duchess enjoying cunnilingus in the back of a carriage.
9. Re-integrate non-reading hobbies back into my weekly routine. My Libby app also has audio books, so there’s no reason why I can’t listen to a new book (and then pick up the eBook to finish at my own pace later) while painting. I spent a lot of time curled up on my bed with my laptop this year while my poor paints and empty canvases wilted in a corner, and I really did miss it. I can do both!
10. Focus on building a life I love regardless of career. Too long, my life, my decisions, and even my geography have been dictated by a career that feels, in some ways, further away than ever. I’m 30, married, and eventually interested in things like having kids, a dog, and a house with a yard in a state with seasons. I have to find things to care about and move towards that aren’t entirely consumed by my career, because, surprise surprise, that hasn’t made me very happy! In fact, last year’s resolutions that forced me to take a break and allowed me to do things like write 3 novels and read 300+ books and take trips with my husband made me happier than any number of career advancements in years prior. So I want to continue prioritizing my life first, and my ambitions second, because it seems that’s a far more winning combination.

Secret resolution: hit 100 subscribers on my romance novel recommendation newsletter! I send out three new book reviews a week, for FREE, over on my Substack, so join me, won’t you?

As I’m drafting the first pass of this list, I’m in a cafe near my apartment after finishing my NaNoWriMo writing for the day, and I need to head home to pack for my weekend trip to San Diego for Quinn’s birthday. As you’re reading the final draft of this list, I’m on a road trip from Dallas to Los Angeles with my friend Christine (the fabled Star Trek expert) to bring her new car from her mom’s place to the city we’re both still trying to find our footing in. 2022 was me giving myself permission to slow down, and I look forward to what 2023 has in store. It feels like the freshest start I’ve had in years, and I can’t wait.

It’s ya girl, hat in hand at the end of another year, with the results of my 2022 New Years Resolutions.

Completed: 9

Incomplete (I bet you can guess!!!!): 1

Continue reading “How I Fared: 2022 NYRs” →

A year and a half ago, I wrote about boundaries, and my historical inability to stand up for myself (even against myself in some cases) to keep them steady. I’ve got some new thoughts I’d like to share. (also, kudos to me for describing quiet quitting before it became A Thing)

The first is something I learned since writing that blog, one that should have been obvious but really, really wasn’t, especially because of who I am and what my brain does. Are you ready?

Boundaries are not about controlling other people’s behavior, a patently impossible task. Boundaries are about clearly communicating your actions when other people’s behavior breaches an expectation you’ve set.

Example:

Not a boundary: If you are a coworker or especially a manager or boss, please stop sending me Slacks and text messages after my work hours end. It contributes to my burnout by making me feel I must be attached to my phone 24/7 and leads to a deeply unhealthy work/life balance which is ultimately to the detriment of both my quality of work and quality of life.

Is a boundary: If you send me a Slack or text message after my work hours end that is not an emergency, I will not respond. It contributes to my burnout by making me feel I must be attached to my phone 24/7 and leads to a deeply unhealthy work/life balance which is ultimately to the detriment of both my quality of work and quality of life.

One demands a change in someone else’s behavior, one articulates a change in mine why what triggers said change. The first example is a request, the second is a boundary when the request is not respected. Subtle but important difference.

This is a big shift for me, personally and professionally. Previously, this was an inconsistently followed understanding, where I attempted to sneak around putting my foot down by hoping that appealing to someone’s better angels would ensure changed or improved behavior rather than me having to “punish” them with my boundaries.

AKA not how boundaries work.

Boundaries are not a punishment to other people. Boundaries are how you protect yourself, your energy, your person, your time, from people whose behavior punishes you.

This is easier said than done, obviously, and far easier in professional spaces where, though it may not be entirely appreciated, I at least have the outward expectation of separation between “on” and “off” time. Sure, a workplace may be annoyed I’m not always available, but they can’t say they’re annoyed or penalize me because it’s obviously an unreasonable expectation.

Like, you can’t set up an auto-reply to a family member that you can’t talk to them right now because it’s the weekend.

The hardest part with setting actual boundaries is the maintaining, of course. It’s hard to say “if you treat me like X, I will respond with Y” in the first place, but it’s even harder to consistently do Y when much professional and societal pressure encourages or normalizes other people doing X! I hate being the responsible one, because when people inevitably get upset with your boundary, you’re now responsible for them being upset!

And because they often don’t see your boundary as positive or necessary (because it goes against their wants and needs, so it’s negative to them regardless of intent or reality), you become a villain. You’re gaslit as the immature, unreasonable one for setting a boundary they don’t agree with, which then causes you to wonder if maybe you should loosen up a bit, which, of course, means your needs once again are trampled for someone else’s comforts and status quo.

That sucks. It sucks a lot, and I’ve run into numerous instances this year where a boundary I have set and stuck to has been repeatedly tested, insulted, manipulated, or derided. I talk a big game here on this blog about how pragmatic and mature I am (cue “Sure Jan” GIF), but every single time even a minor boundary of mine is tested I’m a half second away from yanking it back and saying “just kidding! Come on in!” Because no one, not even Bri “The Bulldozer” Castellini wants people to be upset at me specifically and actions I have taken. Obviously I want to be liked and thought well of. Obviously I do not want to have dramatic or unfriendly relationships with people in my personal or professional life.

But I have also seen the result of not setting boundaries, or allowing boundary respecting loopholes when pressed: burnout. Depression. Anxiety. Having to make a New Years Resolution to take 2 full days off per month which, and I cannot stress this enough, was not in addition to weekends. There was a period in 2020 where I didn’t take a day off from work of some kind (full time job, part time job, freelance contract, podcast production, film production) for nearly 4 months. I was exhausted, I was deeply unhealthy mentally and physically, and the habits formed during that period of my life and what led to it continue to affect my day to day.

And I regret that I have but one life to give to my country… and I finally have the perspective of age (says the wizened and wise 30 year old still writing on her blog she started at 13) that I want to be happier and healthier far more often than I want to be useful and accommodating. Someone else’s discomfort is not more important than my own. I am allowed to take up space. I am allowed to advocate for my needs, even when they come at the seeming degradation of someone else’s. I am allowed to put myself first on occasion without feeling constantly guilty. So I’ve gotten a lot more hardcore about my boundaries, and understanding and internalizing that the only person I can control is myself, so a boundary’s efficacy starts and ends with me and my choices and ability to communicate.

I do think it’s fair to point out that not all boundaries are reasonable. Like, it would be unreasonable for me to tell my husband (holy shit guys, I have a husband now) that if he ever said the work “spatula” to me that I would divorce him. Boundary Trigger: the word spatula. Action taken: divorce.

This is obviously an absurd example, but I wanted to clarify that this post isn’t here to make the argument that all boundaries set are made equal. Some people’s boundaries are unfair! Some people’s boundaries are unreasonable! Some are downright manipulative, designed to look like they dictate the boundary setter’s behavior when in fact they force the other party to change their behavior in order to maintain the relationship or access to something. Like when a parent gives the “boundary” that if their child comes out to them, they will kick them out of the house. Or when a white woman sets the “boundary” to not discuss racism in certain ways at work because she spends so much time doing anti-racist activism in her private life and needs a break as a way of stifling accusations about how her own behavior at work is racist.

Setting a boundary does not mean the boundary isn’t allowed to be questioned or discussed, and it doesn’t mean it can’t evolve in the future. Having a combative relationship with someone right now and setting a boundary to temper the resulting toxicity does not preclude a more productive and positive relationship with that person in the future when the boundary gets relaxed as behavior (of your own or of the other person’s) improves or changes. Circumstances change, priorities shift, existence is fluid! I contain multitudes!!!

Anyways. I recently reread that old blog about boundaries and realized I was due for a tune-up and clarification. Also, being a year out from even that less than perfect understanding of boundaries finds me in a much happier, healthier place mentally, which felt worth updating you all on! Setting boundaries is uncomfortable, but when done with good intent, lends to extremely positive results!

Other stuff and things that feel relevant to me posting a personal blog:

1. I’m a married woman now! You can send cash to congratulate me on my anniversary ever October 8th into infinity. Fun fact: apparently October 8th is also Jim and Pam from The Office‘s anniversary! See select photos of my nuptials below.
2. I’m participating in my first “official” National Novel Writing Month in a decade! Follow my progress on the NaNo website here. If successful, this will be the third brand new manuscript draft I’ve written in 2022 (after completing Camp NaNoWriMo in both April and July).
3. I have officially read 305 romance novels in 2022 at the time of writing this blog. And if you haven’t already heard, I’m now writing a newsletter where every Friday I recommend three new ones centered around a theme!
4. I play Animal Crossing now and have Opinions about how it compares in gameplay and general satisfaction to Stardew Valley, a game I have also played. (listen I ran out of other stuff and things but felt weird leaving this list at just three items)

Surprising absolutely no one but me, apparently, after my months-long hyperfixation reading romance novels at breakneck speeds, I wrote one. I’m now two chapters into a second one. Don’t ask me what I’m doing with them yet, because I don’t know. I’m just trying not to police the muse.

It’s been strange revisiting prose after nearly a decade away from it. I thought I’d categorically left it behind, and was frankly happy to do so. I hated writing descriptions, preferring to focus on dialog and plot, and I enjoyed how comparatively breezy the process of completing a new script was compared to even a relatively short piece of prose. There was also always something vaguely terrifying about being solely responsible for the complete story and its execution, rather than just a piece of it.

But now that I’m a 100k book and two chapters back into prose, I’ve been reminded of the things I’ve kind of missed.

Continue reading “I write romance novels now” →

Hi, it’s me, your resident blogger. This is how it’s going with my new years resolutions so far!

Completed: 3

Going well: 6

Going poorly: 1

Continue reading “2022 NYR: Mid-Year Check In” →

I’ve dipped my toe in the romance novel world before, but never stayed for long. And having officially finished all the Outlander books that are currently out, plus seeing a series of Instagram stories from filmmaker Yulin Kuang recommending some of her favorites, I decided to take a full plunge. Then I read 5 in a single 24 hour period and haven’t really slowed my pace by much since.

Reviews of what I’ve read so far (but please feel free to recommend more, especially WLW protagonists!), in the order that I read them. LIGHT spoilers ahead, but like, I don’t think it will overly surprise you the ultimate plot thrusts (heh heh) of these:

Continue reading “I read romance novels now (9 reviews)” →

Will we still be in a pandemic by this time next year? WHO KNOWS! But I’m in a new city, trying for a new career, so things are full speed ahead for me whether it makes sense in the world or not.

1. Grow my Los Angeles community. It’s a cliche, but the entertainment industry truly is all about who you know, so a big goal of mine this year is to know more people, and have more people know me. There’s a few ways I plan to tackle this, from asking old contacts to coffee now that I’m in town, asking for new people I should meet and getting coffee with THEM, attending events and film festivals, and maybe even making my own new project to take out to festivals? We shall see! But the ultimate goal is friends and community.
2. Write 2 new original pilots. I learned a LOT from last year’s big year o’ submitting to screenplay contests. I’ll be submitting to some more now that I’ve retooled my existing samples, but I need to get into the habit of developing new ones as well.
3. Quit 2 of my jobs. I’ve been hoarding jobs and side hustles for over three years now after a series of losses of income through no fault of my own (I talked about this a bit here). Diversifying my income makes sense, and made a LOT of sense when I started hoarding, but it’s no longer sustainable and I definitely wasn’t being strategic about what kinds of jobs I was hoarding as long as they paid and someone wanted to hire me. But it’s officially not sustainable anymore because outside of heavy holiday months I struggled last year to take two full days off a month (and no, that’s not in addition to weekends), which doesn’t leave a lot of time to rest, let alone write and expand my community per resolutions 1 & 2. I’m also conscious of the fact that while I have absolutely gotten so much out of all my jobs, the actual financial security that comes from them is pretty negligible because I just said yes to everything fairly indiscriminately. I’m staying vague about which jobs because ideally I quit all of them in service of joining a TV writer’s room, and also because I’m trying to just stay open to the whims of the universe
4. Save $5k. This will be my most ambitious savings goal yet, but especially since I’ve got a wedding coming up in October (a wedding for me!) and I’m quitting a few jobs, my income is gonna start being a little unpredictable again and I need to be prepared for that. This will mean tightening the belt a bit, but will also hopefully future-proof me so that I have options for whatever happens next rather than instant abject panic.
5. Spend my energy better and more strategically. This is part of the quitting some jobs resolution, but it’s more than that. I have also been a hoarder of projects and leadership positions within them leading to a ton of unpaid, overworked responsibility. Also harkening back to last year’s resolution of developing non-monetizable habits, I have to remember it’s ok to just enjoy things without them becoming labor. It’s why when Christine and I wrap up Burn, Noticed (April for recording, July for posting/promoting!) we aren’t doing a new weekly TV recap podcast, because as much as I like talking about TV with her, having to schedule those recordings and then edit them and promote them is so much work that we aren’t getting paid to do. I can just… talk to Christine about TV if I want. I have been feeling truly so burnt out all of 2021 and it’s because of long-standing commitments I made to do things for the sake of being busy and FOMO. If I’m going to commit to something in 2022, long OR short term, it’s going to be because it’s worth it for my career aspirations, for the money, or because I genuinely believe in it and am excited to do it. The first two considerations take precedent though. Otherwise…
6. Take 3 full days off a month. Adding an extra day from last year’s goal! Not a significant change perhaps, especially when again, it’s not in addition to weekends, it’s including weekends, but realistically, with Burn, Noticed still going until at least April for which we need to maintain a pretty constant weekly recording schedule, with Breaking Out of Breaking In often needing to happen on weekends in order to facilitate guest schedules, and with my thesis advising commitments being a Saturday-Saturday schedule, I can’t commit to more than this. I can strive for more than three days off a month, but the bare minimum is three. And once Burn, Noticed is over in July, that will instantly clear four days a month or more from a nonnegotiable work commitment.
7. Take 3 trips with Quinn unrelated to our wedding/honeymoon. Now that we have a car again, we have far fewer excuses to stay in our apartment doing nothing. For Quinn’s birthday in November 2021 we took a very quick weekend trip up to Ojai and Ventura and Santa Barbara and it was wall to wall great, so we both want to do more of that, even if we can’t take full multi-night vacations quite yet (especially when a lot of vacation time will go into our wedding/honeymoon in the fall).
8. Get active at least three times a week. I have free gym access literally down the block now. Get it together, Castellini.
9. Incorporate healthier meals into meal planning. Since our long stay in Colorado last year, Quinn and I have significantly streamlined meal planning, grocery shopping, and reducing ordering in, but many of our go-to meals are still a little heavy on cheese or carbs or calories in general. This resolution is a dedication to adding more than one salad day to the weekly rotation with enough variety we don’t get bored or too hungry later.
10. Embrace what’s next rather than what if. This new mantra was the subject of a blog last month if you want a deep dive, but it’s a big focus of mine that goes hand in hand with spending my energy more strategically. I can’t keep up with the near constant breakdowns and existential crises, and I don’t want to. This isn’t a guarantee of or expectation of a particular brand of success in 2022, but it’s a commitment to seeking opportunity rather than wallowing in failure in whatever form is presented to me that feels aligned with my overall goals.

Here’s to a healthier, happier, and more intentional 2022, everyone. What are YOUR resolutions this year? Tell me in the comments!

“Everything happens for a reason” is a phrase I heard a lot growing up because it was my mom’s favorite refrain, and I always resented it. And not just as a militant teenage atheist (one of the worst kinds of teenagers) but also as a young adult. I fundamentally do not believe that cosmic forces (whether an intelligent designer or the whims of an unknowable universe) conspire towards a particular end. My disbelief in fate and in soulmates follows the same line of thinking- at my core, I think things just happen and there’s no set in stone conclusion to them. They happen as a result of millions and billions of tiny circumstances and choices, and I find that often the reaction to a belief that “everything happens for a reason” is passivity. Either you’re the kind of person who tries to find a silver lining after a mass shooting at an elementary school or you become so disillusioned by your lack of control to a perceived personalized agenda of misery from the universe that you give up entirely. I find both of these reactions highly suspect.

Continue reading “Everything Happens For A Reason (But Not That Reason)” →

Five years ago I rediscovered a “bucket list” I wrote when I was a teenager, and posted it to Instagram. Didn’t do a ton of reflection, and my old handwriting is rough, so I wanted to recreate it here and see how I’m doing.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Bri Castellini (@brisownworld)

 

(Revised) Bucket list:

• Solve a rubik’s cube
  • lol why tho
• See Death Cab for Cutie, Paramore, and Switchfoot in concert
  • Here’s the thing about concerts- I don’t, uh, love them? I find that being surrounded by a crowd of people isn’t my favorite. I would rather just listen to music I like while on a road trip with my friends.
• Meet Stephanie Meyer and Libba Bray
  • This and the concert one date this list to at least 2005/2006. I still think it would be neat to meet these women, even though prose isn’t really my jam anymore
• Publish something
  • Complete! There’s a Brains short story published in a literary journal called the Kudzu Review, and I also have some poetry in an anthology coming out soon.
• Travel to Italy, London, Paris, and Norway
  • Been to Rome and Paris, and technically I’ve flown through London but I know, that doesn’t count. Someday!
• Graduate from college
  • And grad school! Boom! Love being in debt (:
• Meet Sean Homburger
  • Ok this actually does date this bucket list to when I was 16, around 2008. We don’t need to get into this one again.
• Love
  • lol at the wistfulness, but check!
• Live in New York for a year
  • Bit of an overachiever over here, since I lived in NYC for 7 years! It was wonderful and nightmarish and I don’t regret it but I also don’t regret leaving.
• Skydive
  • Someday!
• Grow a flower
  • Quinn and I spent much of April and May helping my mom plant her garden/backyard and many of those plants remain alive against all odds. Some even grew from seed!
• Paint a room orange
  • Already crossed out at the time of discovery because I eventually painted my childhood bedroom orange (it was recently repainted because orange is a real weird color to paint a room). Fun fact: I wanted to paint a room orange because it’s said to stimulate creativity but mostly because I knew it was Liam Aiken‘s favorite color
• Win an award
  • Also crossed out already at the time (I assume from speech and debate)
• Die happy
  • why is this in the MIDDLE of the list?
• Go to confessional
  • lol so Sean from earlier in the list was Catholic and this was a Big Topic of Conversation with him (allegedly not because he was interested in converting me, but because it was something Everyone Should Try)
• Stay up all night
  • I guess I pulled an all-nighter for school or something? I’ve sadly also done this many times since
• Be a part of a protest
  • Still no, technically. When you know who was elected I had an infected ingrown toenail and couldn’t walk, and I was too scared of COVID to in-person participate in anything in 2020, but as with many of the things on this list, someday.

9.5/17 isn’t bad! And given that three aren’t things I’m interested in doing I’m feeling even more accomplished. Back in 2008 when this was likely written, it would have really bugged me to hear that, because to teenage me the point was not if I wanted to do something or not. If it was written down declaratively, it needed to come to pass or else I’d be worthless. But like, worthless to who? I don’t care about Rubik’s cubes or concerts or going to confessional so my Facebook not-boyfriend would be happy. Arbitrarily assigning myself things and sticking to them after they stop being interesting to me is a net neutral at best to my quality of life, and if I’ve learned anything in the 13 years since this was written, it’s that literally no one cares. No one cares if I solve a Rubik’s cube, least of all me. Changing my mind doesn’t make me flaky, and it doesn’t mean I lack conviction. It means I changed my mind.