A year and a half ago, I wrote about boundaries, and my historical inability to stand up for myself (even against myself in some cases) to keep them steady. I’ve got some new thoughts I’d like to share. (also, kudos to me for describing quiet quitting before it became A Thing)
The first is something I learned since writing that blog, one that should have been obvious but really, really wasn’t, especially because of who I am and what my brain does. Are you ready?
Boundaries are not about controlling other people’s behavior, a patently impossible task. Boundaries are about clearly communicating your actions when other people’s behavior breaches an expectation you’ve set.
Example:
Not a boundary: If you are a coworker or especially a manager or boss, please stop sending me Slacks and text messages after my work hours end. It contributes to my burnout by making me feel I must be attached to my phone 24/7 and leads to a deeply unhealthy work/life balance which is ultimately to the detriment of both my quality of work and quality of life.
Is a boundary: If you send me a Slack or text message after my work hours end that is not an emergency, I will not respond. It contributes to my burnout by making me feel I must be attached to my phone 24/7 and leads to a deeply unhealthy work/life balance which is ultimately to the detriment of both my quality of work and quality of life.
One demands a change in someone else’s behavior, one articulates a change in mine why what triggers said change. The first example is a request, the second is a boundary when the request is not respected. Subtle but important difference.
This is a big shift for me, personally and professionally. Previously, this was an inconsistently followed understanding, where I attempted to sneak around putting my foot down by hoping that appealing to someone’s better angels would ensure changed or improved behavior rather than me having to “punish” them with my boundaries.
AKA not how boundaries work.
Boundaries are not a punishment to other people. Boundaries are how you protect yourself, your energy, your person, your time, from people whose behavior punishes you.
This is easier said than done, obviously, and far easier in professional spaces where, though it may not be entirely appreciated, I at least have the outward expectation of separation between “on” and “off” time. Sure, a workplace may be annoyed I’m not always available, but they can’t say they’re annoyed or penalize me because it’s obviously an unreasonable expectation.
Like, you can’t set up an auto-reply to a family member that you can’t talk to them right now because it’s the weekend.
The hardest part with setting actual boundaries is the maintaining, of course. It’s hard to say “if you treat me like X, I will respond with Y” in the first place, but it’s even harder to consistently do Y when much professional and societal pressure encourages or normalizes other people doing X! I hate being the responsible one, because when people inevitably get upset with your boundary, you’re now responsible for them being upset!
And because they often don’t see your boundary as positive or necessary (because it goes against their wants and needs, so it’s negative to them regardless of intent or reality), you become a villain. You’re gaslit as the immature, unreasonable one for setting a boundary they don’t agree with, which then causes you to wonder if maybe you should loosen up a bit, which, of course, means your needs once again are trampled for someone else’s comforts and status quo.
That sucks. It sucks a lot, and I’ve run into numerous instances this year where a boundary I have set and stuck to has been repeatedly tested, insulted, manipulated, or derided. I talk a big game here on this blog about how pragmatic and mature I am (cue “Sure Jan” GIF), but every single time even a minor boundary of mine is tested I’m a half second away from yanking it back and saying “just kidding! Come on in!” Because no one, not even Bri “The Bulldozer” Castellini wants people to be upset at me specifically and actions I have taken. Obviously I want to be liked and thought well of. Obviously I do not want to have dramatic or unfriendly relationships with people in my personal or professional life.
But I have also seen the result of not setting boundaries, or allowing boundary respecting loopholes when pressed: burnout. Depression. Anxiety. Having to make a New Years Resolution to take 2 full days off per month which, and I cannot stress this enough, was not in addition to weekends. There was a period in 2020 where I didn’t take a day off from work of some kind (full time job, part time job, freelance contract, podcast production, film production) for nearly 4 months. I was exhausted, I was deeply unhealthy mentally and physically, and the habits formed during that period of my life and what led to it continue to affect my day to day.
And I regret that I have but one life to give to my country… and I finally have the perspective of age (says the wizened and wise 30 year old still writing on her blog she started at 13) that I want to be happier and healthier far more often than I want to be useful and accommodating. Someone else’s discomfort is not more important than my own. I am allowed to take up space. I am allowed to advocate for my needs, even when they come at the seeming degradation of someone else’s. I am allowed to put myself first on occasion without feeling constantly guilty. So I’ve gotten a lot more hardcore about my boundaries, and understanding and internalizing that the only person I can control is myself, so a boundary’s efficacy starts and ends with me and my choices and ability to communicate.
I do think it’s fair to point out that not all boundaries are reasonable. Like, it would be unreasonable for me to tell my husband (holy shit guys, I have a husband now) that if he ever said the work “spatula” to me that I would divorce him. Boundary Trigger: the word spatula. Action taken: divorce.
This is obviously an absurd example, but I wanted to clarify that this post isn’t here to make the argument that all boundaries set are made equal. Some people’s boundaries are unfair! Some people’s boundaries are unreasonable! Some are downright manipulative, designed to look like they dictate the boundary setter’s behavior when in fact they force the other party to change their behavior in order to maintain the relationship or access to something. Like when a parent gives the “boundary” that if their child comes out to them, they will kick them out of the house. Or when a white woman sets the “boundary” to not discuss racism in certain ways at work because she spends so much time doing anti-racist activism in her private life and needs a break as a way of stifling accusations about how her own behavior at work is racist.
Setting a boundary does not mean the boundary isn’t allowed to be questioned or discussed, and it doesn’t mean it can’t evolve in the future. Having a combative relationship with someone right now and setting a boundary to temper the resulting toxicity does not preclude a more productive and positive relationship with that person in the future when the boundary gets relaxed as behavior (of your own or of the other person’s) improves or changes. Circumstances change, priorities shift, existence is fluid! I contain multitudes!!!
Anyways. I recently reread that old blog about boundaries and realized I was due for a tune-up and clarification. Also, being a year out from even that less than perfect understanding of boundaries finds me in a much happier, healthier place mentally, which felt worth updating you all on! Setting boundaries is uncomfortable, but when done with good intent, lends to extremely positive results!
Other stuff and things that feel relevant to me posting a personal blog:
- I’m a married woman now! You can send cash to congratulate me on my anniversary ever October 8th into infinity. Fun fact: apparently October 8th is also Jim and Pam from The Office‘s anniversary! See select photos of my nuptials below.
- I’m participating in my first “official” National Novel Writing Month in a decade! Follow my progress on the NaNo website here. If successful, this will be the third brand new manuscript draft I’ve written in 2022 (after completing Camp NaNoWriMo in both April and July).
- I have officially read 305 romance novels in 2022 at the time of writing this blog. And if you haven’t already heard, I’m now writing a newsletter where every Friday I recommend three new ones centered around a theme!
- I play Animal Crossing now and have Opinions about how it compares in gameplay and general satisfaction to Stardew Valley, a game I have also played. (listen I ran out of other stuff and things but felt weird leaving this list at just three items)
