Month: April 2006

I think I'll do away with the numbers now. Guess why???

I'm not insane anymore!!!

 

FSHZZZZZZZ

 

And now it's time for…

 

COOKING WITH BRI!!

Alright, ladies and gents. It's time again for BUTCHERING EXPENSIVE INGREDIENTS INTO INEDIBLE MUCK WITH BRI!!!

 

That's right. So, this week we'll be…

 

FSHZZZZZ

And the weather today is something I cannot predict, because I really don't know anything since I'm only the anchorwoman and I don't actually understand anything I'm saying. I just say it and pretend to be smart… 

 

FSHZZZZ

"Oh, Ronald, do you love me?"

"I'll love you until the cows come home!"

"Oh, Rona—"

MOOOOOO

"Bye!"

"Nooo!!!"

FSHZZZZ

Hey, waitaminute…

FSHZZZZZZ

Hey, no! Stop! I think…

FSHZZZZZ

No! I was getting better…I-

You are still insane. Don't give yourself up like this, Bri! You can't!

Yes, I can! I don't want to be insane! I don't get any respect!

…

But you get respect when you aren't?

Well, not really…

My point exactly.

Even though I'm talking to myself doesn't mean I'm insane! I'm just…lonely.

I can make you insane again…

No, you wouldn't.

Or would I?

No! No, please! I'll do almost anything, except things after my bedtime, which is 6:30. I need my rest…

I AM THE PHANTOM OF…PAPERCLIPS!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! YOU FIEND!!!!!! EVERYBODY, SWIM AWAY TO REMOTED TROPICAL ISLANDS, CARESS YOUR CLOSEST ORTHOPEDIC SURGEN, AND FOR CRIPES SAKE, DON'T WEAR WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY!!!!!!!

Ahh, it's good to be back..

ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT???

…Mebe, mebe no…

OH YEAH, WELL, I"LL KARATE CHOP YOU INTO A NAIL FILER!!! WHAT NOW, FOO?? AND, oh yes, there's more! I'LL SHOVE THIS BARBIE INTO MY MOUTH AND TRY TO PUL IT OUT THROUGH MY EARS!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

…

 

 

Note from author's doctor: *sigh* Once again we have taken Bri back to the ward, because we found her in her cardboard box with a bizarre case of barbies sticking half-way out of her ears. How they got their is beyond me, or any of our other doctors. She will be restored fully and back in her cardboard box as soon as we can manage it. *sigh*

Instead of having Bri drive herself insane by talking to herself and trying to shove Barbies up various parts of her body, I though it would be interesting to follow Bri around the Asylum and write a play-by-play of what she does.

-Bri's doctor

 (I will be writing this in play form)

(Bri is handing out invitations)

Bri: Come to my party! BYOPB (Bring Your Own Phone Book)

(Why she is having a party is beyond me, reader, and that goes for the bringing your own phone book part too)

(Bri skips along the hallways, holding her new Bling-Bling Barbie)

Tom(a long-term patient): Is that you, Marge? I'm comin' to ya, honey! I'm a'comin', honeeeeeeeeey!

Bri: Oh, dear, sweet Frankfurt! Oh, Cometh to thee! Cometh! COMETH!!

Tom: I shall, my lovely Marge! I shall!

(At this point we drag Bri away before they grab hands and jump off the balcony together)

(Bri and I now enter another doctor's offive where she is tested and interviewed to monitor her progress) 

Giovani(The doctor): Hello, Bri. How are we today?

Bri: I feel a song comin' on! (Goes into an accapella version of "Who let the dogs out")

Giovani: Please don't. My ears are bleeding. 

Me: *Snickers*

Bri: *Sniff* Hey, ARE YOU CALLIG ME FAT??

Giovani: *sighs*  No, Bri. You have a lovely figure.

Bri: I would like to thank the academy…

Giovani: Yes, yes, that's very nice. Ok, I'm goning to show you a picture, and I want you to tell me what you see in it.

(Giovani holds up a card with a large ink stain on it. This is to monitor the creativity of the patient)

Bri: I see, a black hole. It's…it's…IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!(Bri takes a report off Giovani's desk and throws it in the air)

Giovani: Calm down. It's all right. And please don't do that. Here, gather the papers and take this…

Me: Don't say it, G.

Giovani(after glaring at me):…paperclip, and…

Bri: GAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! YOU SAID IT, YOU SAID THE CURSED WORD!!!! HEAD FOR THE MOON ON THE BACK OF A SLOTH, CARRESS YOU CLOSEST PHONE DIRECTORY, AND FOR CRIPES SAKE, DON'T GO TO THE BATHROOM WITHOUT A HALL PASS!!

Me: Told you not to say it.

Giovani: On the plus side, I haven't heard that end-of-the-world-rant before.

Me: Indeed. I think she should get marks for her creativity.

Bri: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT???

Giovani: No, I was simply saying that you…ah…need to tget lyposuction and a nose job before you come see me again.

Me: *Stuffs fist in mouth to keep from laughing*

Bri: Oh. Ok.

Giovani: Very well. You are done. Have a nice day.

(Me and Bri exit, and I follow her into the sitting room, where a group of insane color-crazed toddler terrorists are betting on a fashion show.)

Bri: Don't you just love Snogdays? Everything feels so…black and white.

Me: Uh, Bri? Snogday isn't a real day….and…

(Interrupted by the insane color-crazed toddler terrorists as they attack Bri)

Insane color-crazed toddler terrorist numba one: HOW DARE YOU SAY THE WORD BLACK-AND-WHITE IN OUR PRESSENCE??? HOW DARE YOU, COLOR-HATER??

Insane color-crazed toddler terrorist numba two: Goo.

Insane color-crazed toddler terrorist numba three: I say, old chap, is that green and orange jeans that she's wearing?

Insane color-crazed toddler terrorist numba one: Why, yes, yes it is. Dear me, please forgive us. We bow to you and your supirior fashion sense! ALL HAIL QUEEN OF COLOR!!!

Bri: I would like to thank the academy…Hey…ARE YOU CALLING ME A GOAT HUGGING, JESTER KISSING LUNATIC???

Insane color-crazed toddler terrorist numba four: No, but now that you mention it…

(Bri now attempts to shove her Bling-Bling Barbie up her behind while flailing around threateningly with a fire-poker)

She is now back in her intensive care ward in a large white room where whe is currently trying to wear a pair of Barbie high-heels and singing(badly) Stupid Girl by Pink. This has been a day in the life of…

a lunatic

Hope you enjoyed it! 

1. Me happy!

2. For no reason at all!

3. They aren't letting me out of the funny farm.

4. They seem to think I'm…insane

5. Crazy, huh?

6. Oh, you hear voices in you head and talk to yourself and shove barbies up your nose but yes, you are perfectly sane.

7. W-who's there?

8. *rolls eyes* Don't you remember? The Phantom of—

9. Ok! You can stop now! Lalalalalalala leave me alone!

10. Hows about…NO

11. *Sniviling* P-please…j-just l-leave.

12. *sigh* FINE. But I'll Be BAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

13. …

14. …

15. Well, got rid of her, eh?

16. *whispering* I don't think she sees me!

17. Aaaack! Not again! Stay away from me, O' Phantom of Paperclips!

18. *Twiddling thumbs* Say what?

19. YOU ARE THE PHANTOM OF…Oh dang it all to the bloddy oblivion, I said it, didn't I?

20. Yup.

21. AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! I SAID IT!!!! I SAID THE CURSED WORD!!!!! FORGIVE MEEEEEEE!!!!!

22. Once you pay for my ear opperation…man, I think you blew my ear nerve…

23. THIS IS NO TIME TO BE WORRYING ABOUT YOUR EAR NEVRE!!!!!! RUN!!! HEAD TO THE HILLS DOWN YONDER!!!!! KISS YOUR CLOSEST…

24. I think It's time for you to come up with some new things to do during the apocalypse.

25. Hmmmm…how's this? *Ahem* AAAAAAACCCCCKKKKK!!!!! I SAID THE CURSED WORD!!!!! TANGO WITH YOUR CLOSEST PHONE DIRECTORY, EAT YOUR DIRTY SOCKS, OGGLE AT YOUR GYM TEACHER, AND FOR CRIPES SAKE,  DON'T EAT THE FISH!!!!!!! Unless directed by a doctor, in which case I'm sure the fish will so you noharm.

26. …

27. Nice. But I prefer newspapers to phone directories…

28. ARE YOU CALLING ME A FAT GOAT RIDING JESTER????

29. …

30. OH YEAH? WELL, I'M GONNA STIR FRY MY FOOT AND THEN KARATE CHOP YOU INTO A NAIL FILER!!!! HOW ABOUT THAT, PUNK???? WHATCHA GONNA SAY TO THAT??????

31. Now, now, don't do anything rash… hey! ouch! that pan is hot! No! don't add the rice yet!! no! no!!!

 

 

Note from author's doctor: Due to an attempt to stir fry her foot (which wouldn't work out anyways, since she added the rice in too early), we have moved her to the advanced treatment ward. She is showing signs of improving, but her lack of intrest of anything other than phone directories has made recovery extremley difficult. She is now in a black cell chained to the wall singing a song about a donkey, a carrot, and a phone directory.