Obviously, I’m not smart nor motivated enough to be the valedictorian. But I kind of feel gypped out of a chance to make this speech, which I’ve been formulating in my head for a few years now.
Hello, former classmates. I know you’re expecting me to give you the stock valedictorian speech about how this is the “first day of the rest of our lives”, but I want to start off with something different. You know, spice it up a bit.
See, I find it kind of comical that I’m the one giving this speech. Not because I don’t think I should be valedictorian, but because I don’t see how I’m qualified to address you guys on this momentous occasion. Now, I might be stating the obvious here, but none of you liked me.
There. I said it. Let’s face it; I’m near the bottom of the social ladder. I’m the nerdy kid you all passed in the hall and tried to cheat off of during Trigonometry. Most of you probably didn’t even know my name prior to the principle announcing it just now.
So since you all made these past four years less that fun, I’m going to take the next couple minutes to make you as uncomfortable as possible, but I promise you, I will not diverge from the truth.
For most of you, this isn’t the first day of the rest of your lives. It’s the last day of the best part of your lives. How many of you aren’t going to college? How many of you are going to end up flipping burgers? How many of you are going to be lost in the shuffle in college, even though you were the “big dogs” here in high school? I think you’re all disillusioning yourselves into thinking that these past four years have been important. Even fun.
Sorry to break it to you, but they weren’t. These past four years have been a means to an end. For me, that end is college and the rest of my professional life. for many of you, that end is finally realizing that in the grand scheme of things, you’re pretty useless.
A very small percentage of you have been nice to me, so I’m going to exclude you all from these attacks. As for the rest of you, I’d just like to lay out a couple of things to consider.
You didn’t give me the time of day during high school, but now I’m the one who is supposed to stand up here and blow smoke up your butts about how you’re going to move on to do great things. We all never spoke, yet I’m supposed to pretend that we’re all friends that are parting ways on our new adventures.
Let’s cut the BS right now. Let’s get down to what this speech is really about; me. I’m the one who put the work in. I’m the one taking five AP classes and staying up late writing essays, not playing video games. I’m the one without free time because of my extensive list of extracurriculars and challenging coursework. I’m the one who smiled at the teachers and kept my mouth shut when they said things that interfered with my comfort level. I didn’t complain these past four years, and how do they repay me? With a ten minute slot at graduation where I can say whatever I want.
So here’s what I want to say: I hated the majority of you, and I honestly don’t care what happens to you after we get our diplomas. I’m not coming back to our reunions, because I don’t need any more validation that I’m better than you. I know that now, and we haven’t even done anything yet!
Today is the first day in the rest of my life, and I hope that it’s the same way for you. But I doubt it. Congratulations on at least graduating with your 2.0s. I’d thank the school district for lowering the graduation standards before you leave today, because they’re the only reason you’re free to wreak havoc on regular society. I can’t wait to order my food from you sometime in the future.
Wow! How do you really feel Bristers? Only one thing I want to take issue with: you ARE more than capable of being valedictorian…IF you want it. In fact, I believe that everyone sitting in those fictitious seats has the capacity to achieve valedictorian. However, capacity does not always go with goals, desires, and work. YOU have made it through high school extremely well, gained some knowledge, found some new interests, and propelled yourself into a great college where you are destined to achieve the next set of goals you have set for yourself.
So since you all made these past four years less that fun, I’m going to take the next couple minutes to make you as uncomfortable as possible, but I promise you, I will not diverge from the truth.
I love this line.
This would be the greatest speech ever. It would be very uncomfortable, though.
🙂
A little cruel don’t you think? Sure the majority of your high school probably didn’t care much about you at all. Sure some went out of their way to spite you or betray you. Don’t let their caring and their lack of sympathy turn into your own. A quote on the Palisade Band Room wall goes something like this “People even more than things have to be renewed, revived, and redeemed.” No matter how much you have been hurt, you are the key to redeeming, renewing, and reviving other people just as they can renew, redeem, and revive you. Try to help those that try.