[Day 203] On Giving Up

This weekend was the national qualifying events tournament. Now, if you remember back a few weeks, I have already qualified for nationals in congress. This means a couple things in relation to THIS weekend.

1. No matter what happened, I’m going to nationals

2. If I somehow qualified in my event, or public forum, this weekend, I would have to give up my seat for congress and go in PF

2a. If I qualified in PF, I would also have to go to nationals with my somewhat finished-with-debate partner

When my partner Kelli and I signed up for nat quals, we hadn’t realized how done we were with the event. Nat quals was just another tournament for us. Getting to nationals was the furthest thing from our mind. Another thing to note: we signed up before we found out Kelli was gone for state quals, where I ended up doing Lincoln Douglas and loving it. So it was too late for us to switch nat quals events.

Now, it’s important to understand that our preparation for this tournament went like this:

1. A week before, I printed out some pro/con list on affirmative action (out topic)

2. Six days before, I wrote up some quick cases that were fairly basic

3. Five days before, I cut three articles down for pro (because I knew supporting affirmative action was gonna suck) and highlighted them

4. Four-one day before, we did nothing.

Needless to say, we weren’t expecting to make it past the first day of competing. (There were two days in the tournament, and you had to lose twice to be out.)

Due to our lack of preparation and caring, I was sure we’d lose the first day. As a last minute possibility, we conceded that if we somehow ended up making it to the final rounds, we would debate our hearts out and then forfeit. But like I said, it was very, very far from our minds.

Against all odds, however, we made it to the second day with only one loss (and it was a close debate). We brushed this off with a simple “oh, they weren’t that great of debaters. That’s all.”

But we kept winning into our second day. All of the sudden, we were in the final rounds of the tournament, just one more win away from going to nationals.

Forfeiting was up to me, as I was our second speaker, and walking into that final round I was undecided. I knew it would be better for our sanity and our friendship if I forfeited, but being the competitive person I am, I didn’t know if I could bring myself to quit.

The debate proceeded, with three judges present to make the final decision, and before I knew it, our opponents were making their final speech. It was hurried and messy; the clear verdict was that Kelli and I had already won.

I turned to my partner as we started cleaning up. “I don’t know if I can do this.” I whispered, voice shaking.

“You have to.” she whispered back.

We had a minute and fifteen seconds of prep time left, but with a quiet voice I declined to use it. Walking up to the podium empty-handed, I gripped the edges of it for support. My stomach was in my knees and my voice was still shaking. It was all I could do to hold it together and not burst into tears.

“My partner and I would like to respectively forfeit this round.” -swallow- “We wish our opponents the best of luck in the rest of their endeavors with public forum.” The best of luck in their ENDEAVORS? I think it’s clear how unhappy I was.

You should have seen the reactions. Our opponents looked a mixture of shocked and pleased, and the judges just looked confused. With that, it was all over.

The two kids that we had forfeited to went on to qualify for nationals.

I think it’s safe to say that I’m still upset. I’ve never done anything like that before, and I never thought I’d have to. Especially for debate, which is probably the only activity that I’ve actually actively enjoyed for this past two years. I love debate more than I can describe to you, and giving up like that, when I was so close, is just an awful feeling.

I know it was the right thing to do with the situation I’d been handed, but that doesn’t make me feel any better. Afterwards, I changed out of my dress clothes and went off by myself to just sit. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone for a while. That’s how upset I was.

Today, as I sit in this Borders Bookstore cafe penning this post, recounting the event still wets my eyes unhappily. I’ll get over it eventually, but I just thought you should all know something.

I am never forfeiting anything again.