I read my favorite book, The Last Days of Summer by Steve Kluger, over Easter weekend, and as usual, I cried uncontrollably. My mom found me sobbing, but wasn’t concerned, since she noticed the book in my hands. For some reason, though, I still felt like I owed her an explanation. Unfortunately, I can’t articulate, or even enunciate, anything when I cry. And as I thought about this, I realized something.
Let’s back up though. Here are some facts to consider: I have never been asked out by and have never broken up with someone in person. When I had my catharses with Sean and Dylan, it was over instant messenger. See the pattern?
Well, I did too, and this led me to a rather moving thought; the reason I have a crippling inability to speak emotionally out loud is because I am an easy crier, and because of this, you can’t understand a word I say.
See I’m the kind of person who likes being clear and heard. That’s why I love debate- a 4 minute, specific, well worded case. My voice is loud and bitingly clear, leaving no chance to misunderstand me. This is also why I’m so good at debate.
But when I’m trying to tell someone how I feel, I don’t have a neat, double-spaced speech in front of me, and I don’t have a clear-cut, impersonal topic to speak on. Once it gets personal, it gets painful, and then I cry.
What do I do instead, then? I hide behind the expressionless text of a white instant messaging window or I lie.
See, there’s the biggest problem with me realization. When I feel tears a’coming, I clam up, stay articulate, and lie like Princess Leia when faced with the destruction of Alderan. (NERD SIMILE)
Clearly, this phenomenon isn’t healthy, but what else am I supposed to do? Writing letters and emails is so much easier for me, but crueler to their recipients. And trying to talk through the tears isn’t productive because it never gets anywhere. I just end up filling a trashcan to the brim with wet, snotty kleenexes.
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