Step #1: Find a person to not be friends with.
Step #2: Criticize this person constantly. (For example, say they have a loose thread on their shirt. From that moment forward, ask suspicious and condescending questions about the quality of their clothing.)
Step #3: Cancel plans at the last minute, or just don’t agree to plans in the first place. Ever. “Do you want to go-” “No. I have an appointment.”
Step #4: Never stop talking. It really doesn’t matter what you talk about, as long as whoever it is that you’re trying not to be friends with can’t get a word in. This works especially well if you talk about how great you are. For some reason, people hate that.
Step #5: Have an emotional breakdown. A very public emotional breakdown. Tell this person that you don’t want to make a big deal about it, then tell anyone who asks a question remotely related to it. What’s the point of an emotional breakdown if everyone else around you doesn’t get to share in the misery?
Step #6: Be too different for reconciliation. If your chosen person likes to drink, be stringently anti-partying. If your chosen person likes to procrastinate, become aggravated with even the slightest distraction.
BUT. On the off chance that you do want to make friends…
Remember, friendship is a two way street. And sometimes, you’ll start to realize that you’re going in circles to try and make up for the fact that their street hasn’t had traffic in an awful long time. At this point, it’s really not worth it. Drive on to busier streets.
