Almost exactly a year ago, I lost something. Not something like a pencil or a letter, not my mind (I’ve always had a few screws loose), but something much more vital. Last year, I lost my faith.
Those of you who know me or who have read my blogs before know that I’ve been agnostic for several years, which will make that last statement a bit perplexing, but that’s not the kind of faith I’m talking about. The faith I’ve lost is much more personal, much more vital. See, last year, I lost my faith in myself.
That’s a horrible thing to lose, let me tell you. When you don’t know if you’re lying, if you feel anything at all for someone or something, you’ll know there’s trouble. To put it simply, I’ve lost who I am. I no longer know who I am.
Sure, I know the simple stuff. My name’s Brianna, Bri to most of my friends. My favorite animal is the giraffe, because they remind me of my goat and because I’ve never met anyone else who likes them. My favorite color is orange because it’s the color of creativity. I know all these things, but they don’t really amount to much in the real world. Let’s go over the things I don’t know.
I don’t know whether my recent outgoing streak is real or if I’m just using it as another wall to hide behind. I don’t know if I’ve moved on entirely from what certain people have done to me, or if the empty spaces they’ve left inside of me will ever be filled again. I don’t know if the answer “I’m fine” is honest. I don’t know if I’m always depressed, or I just think I am, or if I just want to be. I don’t know if this anger I feel constantly is justified or real in any way. And I’m afraid. Afraid that I’m losing my very existence in this confusion.
I need to rediscover myself, and put some distance between myself and my past… issues. So here’s what I’m going to do.
From August 19, 2009, to August 19, 2010, I will embark on an adventure of discovery, and document it all right here.
Every Wednesday, I will try something new.
Every Thursday, I will give something away.
Every Friday, I will write about a person in my life and why they’re important.
Every Saturday, I will post a video about something.
Every Sunday, I will write a thank you letter to someone I have never met.
Every Monday, I will write a story about my past.
Every Tuesday, I will write about something good that happened to me that day.
This project is about refreshing myself on who I am and moving on from the things I can’t seem to let go of yet. Wish me luck, and follow the whole year at brisownworld.com/365daysofbri !
You know what I’m going to say, but I will say it anyway. Being an older teen who soon will embark out into the world solo and being said person who wants that more anything and has for many years brings up many feelings of doubt and anxiety. Wanting to get away from certain immature people who had both negative and positive impact on your young life is also confusing because it is both liberating yet somehow scary to walk away. You may not think I “know” you, but I do…because I’ve seen you grow up and I’ve seen what rolls around in your heart and mind. Obviously not everything because that would be weird for you and spooky for me, but enough to know the essence of who you are. I see a strong, confident young woman with an amazing intellect and sense of right and wrong.
None of us really ever know who we are or why we are at any age, but you keep going and doing what it is that makes you tick. I applaud your new venture of 365daysofBri and if you need any help, you know where to find me!
Thanks, Dad!
Okay, Bri, if I said I knew who you where exactly, I’d be lying. In fact, although you’ve shared quite a bit about yourself to me, I honestly still don’t fully understand you. And I won’t pretend that I do.
I can’t tell you who you are, or how to find yourself. But I do know that if I had never met you, I would be a complete nutcase, and I KNOW I’m not alone on this. You’ve impacted so many people in a positive way just by being brash, and out there, and completely honest. I’ve never known someone who is as unafraid of the truth as you are. Seriously Bri; If I had never met you, not only am I unsure if I’d even have any friends, I’m not even sure I’d want them. And if I am to judge people on their actions, you are one of the greatest people I’ve ever met. Whoever you are.
Frankly, next to you I am a terrible friend. And if there is anything I can do to be a better one, you know where I am.
–Craig
Bri, i applaud you for having enough confidence to take on this project, especially where everyone can read it. You’re pouring yourself out on paper (technically text box, but you catch my drift), and i really appreciate it. It inspires me to do something fulfilling with my life.