Almost exactly a year ago, I lost something. Not something like a pencil or a letter, not my mind (I’ve always had a few screws loose), but something much more vital. Last year, I lost my faith.
Those of you who know me or who have read my blogs before know that I’ve been agnostic for several years, which will make that last statement a bit perplexing, but that’s not the kind of faith I’m talking about. The faith I’ve lost is much more personal, much more vital. See, last year, I lost my faith in myself.
That’s a horrible thing to lose, let me tell you. When you don’t know if you’re lying, if you feel anything at all for someone or something, you’ll know there’s trouble. To put it simply, I’ve lost who I am. I no longer know who I am.
Sure, I know the simple stuff. My name’s Brianna, Bri to most of my friends. My favorite animal is the giraffe, because they remind me of my goat and because I’ve never met anyone else who likes them. My favorite color is orange because it’s the color of creativity. I know all these things, but they don’t really amount to much in the real world. Let’s go over the things I don’t know.
I don’t know whether my recent outgoing streak is real or if I’m just using it as another wall to hide behind. I don’t know if I’ve moved on entirely from what certain people have done to me, or if the empty spaces they’ve left inside of me will ever be filled again. I don’t know if the answer “I’m fine” is honest. I don’t know if I’m always depressed, or I just think I am, or if I just want to be. I don’t know if this anger I feel constantly is justified or real in any way. And I’m afraid. Afraid that I’m losing my very existence in this confusion.
I need to rediscover myself, and put some distance between myself and my past… issues. So here’s what I’m going to do.
From August 19, 2009, to August 19, 2010, I will embark on an adventure of discovery, and document it all right here.
Every Wednesday, I will try something new.
Every Thursday, I will give something away.
Every Friday, I will write about a person in my life and why they’re important.
Every Saturday, I will post a video about something.
Every Sunday, I will write a thank you letter to someone I have never met.
Every Monday, I will write a story about my past.
Every Tuesday, I will write about something good that happened to me that day.
This project is about refreshing myself on who I am and moving on from the things I can’t seem to let go of yet. Wish me luck, and follow the whole year at brisownworld.com/365daysofbri !