[Day 300] What an accomplishment

I wonder if this was how Ze Frank felt when he was on the 300th episode of The Show. Probably not quite the same, since a. he didn’t do weekends, b. it wasn’t about self discovery, and c. people were actually watching him. But I’m sure there was a certain nostalgia when he looked back on an almost completed year.

I don’t think I’ve ever finished something like this before. Oftentimes, I couldn’t be trusted to post weekly, let alone on the same day every week. I always claimed to want to have content as often as possible, but there was always some excuse to extend the deadline another day, another week, another month.

I will never look at blogging the same way. It may have taken me 300 days to realize this, but I really like blogging, and it’s not nearly as hard as I thought. I mean, ten minutes typing away without distractions can turn into something incredible.

As you’ll probably know from my bonus post last Sunday, I haven’t completely claimed what I hoped to from this project. But that was posted on a particularly weird day. So let’s look back to 300 days ago to what my goals were.

“I don’t know whether my recent outgoing streak is real or if I’m just using it as another wall to hide behind. I don’t know if I’ve moved on entirely from what certain people have done to me, or if the empty spaces they’ve left inside of me will ever be filled again. I don’t know if the answer “I’m fine” is honest. I don’t know if I’m always depressed, or I just think I am, or if I just want to be. I don’t know if this anger I feel constantly is justified or real in any way. And I’m afraid. Afraid that I’m losing my very existence in this confusion.”

My outgoing streak is very much real, but of course it’s a wall. People don’t ask if you’re OK when you’re smiling and jabbering about something insignificant. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing, not always. Because I’m hoping that eventually, it will evolve into something more than a coping mechanism.

I haven’t moved on entirely from what “certain people” (coughdylanandseancough) have done to me, but I’m making quick gains. I mean, Dylan and I are almost kind of friends again. Crazy how the world works sometimes. And even Sean and I are sort of reclaiming the relationship we once had, although it’s a very different situation. But I’m not so angry anymore with them. Heck, I’m not even sad. Sure, what they both did to me sucked, but now it’s more a mixture of annoyance and amusement when I notice them slipping back into what they were. And it really doesn’t bother me anymore.

There will always be empty spaces, and “I’m fine” can’t always be honest, but I hope that it will be the majority of the time. I want to be depressed because I’m a masochistic writer, but I think I’ve been depressed enough over the years to last for a lifetime of inspiration, so I’m working on that too.

The anger is very real, and it is very justified, although it may not be constructive. So I’m working on that too.

But I shouldn’t be afraid, because this sadness, anger, and emptiness is what makes me who I am. Maybe I’m not the happiest person right now, but I’m a person, and I’m beginning to realize just what kind of person I am.

“This project is about refreshing myself on who I am and moving on from the things I can’t seem to let go of yet.”

So there it is. The goal sentence. I think I’ve been adequately refreshed on who I am; I am a writer, a blogger, a basketball enthusiast, a friend, a young woman, and a recent high school graduate. I am loud and quiet, shy and outgoing, smart and silly, mature and childish, happy and sad, angry and grateful, loving and hateful. I am scatterbrained and OCD, spontaneous and planned. I am all of the contradictions you can imagine, but that doesn’t make me confused. That makes me Bri. Brianna. Because what’s life without some glaring contradictions?

It may not be easy for me to be me, but at least I understand now that it can be done. I don’t think I ever lost who I was, I just forgot where I put me. I became consumed with self-doubt and reached outward for help and blame, from people like Dylan and Sean, but what I should have done was look inside myself. The true answers aren’t always the easiest to deal with, but I’ve come to accept them.

I no longer tolerate myself. I love myself, and I’m excited to see where I go next. The rest of this project will be less about self-discovery and more about doing what I love; writing, making videos, and creating. And I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to it.