Posted in Books, Entertainment, Fiction, Poetry

A short, short story.

And so she strolled quietly the cracked brick road. With the memories of the lost souls that once walked here floating around her. A tear slowly slipped her cheek. It was not cold but, considering the lace shawl and night gown she was wearing, it seemed freezing. Slowly she walked entrancently into what had once been the town’s square. She looked at the town and all it’s memories. The only thing that was still intact was a bench on which she sat and slowly gazed at the world around her. She was home again.

Questions, comments, likes, dislikes, advice?

The story is 92 words for those of you who care.

Posted in Fiction

WTF??????????????

BAD USER. BAAAAAD USER.

Actually, it’s cool. You just tried to access something that doesn’t exist, or that I don’t want you to see. It’s all cool, yo.

Just click “Bri’s Own World” to get back to the homepage and try again.

If the problem persists, contact me at brianna@brisownworld.com

Love,
Webmistress Bri

Posted in Fiction

Bris Birthday Card

Leave a comment with your name below to wish her a happy birthday! Do I have to tie in abortion to get you guys to comment?

Bri,
You will be happy to know, you are at the age of consent in the following areas: parts of australia, alaska, russia, great britain, and most importantly…. NEVADA!

Only joking bri, but seriously, Happy Sweet sixteenth!!

Posted in Fiction

Gomer and MoMo’s Discussion (#2)

MoMo: Hey Gomer.

Ogomas: My computer has been down for 3 weeks! As soon as it's up again, I'm going to write a huge blog. But right now, there is not enough time.

MoMo: Awesome. My computer crashed once. We lost a bunch of files that we didn't back up, but It wasn't out for weeks like your's.

Ogomas: My dad said that he will fix it this weekend, but that's what he said last weekend. And the weekend before.

MoMo: That's great. My dad and I just got a crashed computer from my grandpa (well, not really just, because we've been saying we'll fix it up for a liitle over a year now. We'll probably make an attempt this summer, but we might no be able to find out what's wrong with it.)

Ogomas: No one likes a blaberer.

MoMo: No one likes a bad speller, either.

Ogomas: I don't have bad speling, the inventors of the Inglish Langage do.

MoMo: Can't really beat that.

Ogomas: Yesterday, I got hit with a rock and woke up unconcious.

MoMo: Wow, Gomer. That's great.

Ogomas: For lunch, I had breakfast. It only tasted good the first time down.

MoMo: Okay…

Ogomas: And then I tripped over a hole and fell into a wall.

MoMo: Hmmm…

Ogomas: It was a big hole. It rained all night that day.

MoMo: Yea… anyhoo… Wow. That was really great, Gomer. I know some people who I think can help you. You're just going to go on a little vacation.

Ogomas: And then my mom tried to cook cookies in the dish washer and burnt all of our plates.

MoMo: Okay, I'm just going to put this little white coat on you. No, It's not a straightjacket. These little straps are… the new fasion. Come on Gomer, nice and easy… GOMER!! COME BACK! I NEED TO PUT THIS STRAIGHTJ– I MEAN.. UH… COOL COAT ON YOU!!!

Ogomas: Hold on, I tasted someone calling me! Be right back!

MoMo: Bye everyone. I gotta catch Gomer. GOMER!! WAIT UP!!!

Ogomas: Tommorow, I went on a trip so fast that I ended up at last week- hey! Ow! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO- HELPP!!!! ACKK- BLUB- GURGLE…. *gasp…*

MoMo: Gomer. Put that knife down nice and easy. There's a good boy. Gomer! Wait!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo!

Note: to be continued after lunch. Or, for Gomer, breakfast a second time.

 

 

Posted in Books, Fiction

The Wives of Chad

           Me and my friend Rachel wrote these during two of the times she's slept over. We were really bored. Like I said, it's scary what happens when you're bored…

Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom, there was a completely atrocious princess named Zach. She was the ugliest thing for miles around. Her eyes were a muddy green color and her face looked like she ran into a wall and was dropped on her head too much as a baby. She was plump and liked to wear mini-skirts and was covered in large purple acne. Her favorite thing to do was look in mirrors and break them by staring. Her father was getting concerned that she would never have any suitors, so he kiddnapped some young men from a nearby village. The first was named Cody. When he layed eyes on the princess, he screamed and ran away. The second was named Hudson. He suddenly became violently ill and had to be taken home. The third was named Kevin. He went blind. The very last suiter was named Chad. When he saw Zach, his mind exploded with visions of marriage, children, and deer prancing through enchanted forests.

            “Zach, my beloved, will thou marry thee?”

            “Oh, yes, YES!”

            And so they were married. Everything was going so well until Zach was pregnant with octuplets.

            “Oh, Chad! Whatever shall I do?”

            “I know what I’m doing, I’m packing my bags and heading for the hills over yonder.”

            “No!” She screamed in aggony. “Whyever would you do such a horrific thing?”

            “Um, because I’m bored.”

            So with that, Chad left the princess for the first suitor, Cody, whom was acctually a girl(we think). But that didn’t last long either, because Cody became obsessed with Micheal Jackson and started to wear one glove and do the moonwalk everywhere. One day she confronted Chad and said, “I’m sorry. I can’t live with you anymore. My heart is with Micheal Jackson until the end of time.” So she ran off and married the other gender confused person.

            Now Chad decided that living with his mother was the best course of action. She received him graciously and tried to hook him up with her bridge partner’s daughter, Michaela. Now Michaela was just as revolting as Zach, just skinnier, and apparently this was good enough for Chad, because he was married to her within the hour. They were happily married for six months, and all-time record for Chad.

END OF BOOK ONE

 

Book two- ZACH COMES BACK

            Once upon a time after that, Chad was sleeping blissfully when he was awoken by evil laughter coming from above him. And there was Zach, holding a nine-inch blade to his chest. Behind her were eight younger people that looked exactly like Chad.

            “Who are they?” He asked stupidly, instead of trying to escape.

            “Our children, genius. The ones that you left me with.”

            He turns his head ever so slightly to see the horrifying vision of Michaela already bruttaly murdered, lying on the foot of her bed in a pool of flouresant green blood. His life shatters before his eyes. Then he notices something is wrong with that pool of blood. “It’s…it’s…it’s GREEN!” He stammered. “Did you put food coloring in it? Or was it markers?”

            “Nothing gets past you, does it?” She sneered evily. “She was an exraterrestial being.”

            “ET phone home, ET phone home.” His offspring taunted, holding Michaela’s cellphone upside down.

            “Hey, give that to me!” He snapped in aggravation. The phone was ringing. “Hello?” He asked tentivly.

            “Hello, by beautiful, wonderful, most sensational Michaela. My lips await yours at the diner.”

            “Uh, ok. I’ll tell her.” He said, momentarily forgetting her death brought by his jelous ex. “Oh wait, she’s dead right now. Can she call you back later?”

            “Oh sure. Thanks. Goodbye.”

            “Oh wait, who’s this?”

            “Hudson.”

            “I think that name should mean something to me, but it really doesn’t ring a bell at the time.”

            “You’ll get it sooner or later. Cherrio!”

            Zach was currently pawing through Michaela’s belongings. “Nice thongs she had.” She snickered, holding up the bright pink panties.

            “Hey! Those are mine!” He says angrilly. “This is no time or place to be searching my underwear drawer.”

            “Oh? Hey, This bra is just my size. Can I borrow it?”

            “Sure, whatever. Now, have you seen my wife?”

            “Yeah,” Zach replied, trying the bra on, “She’s lying dead in a pool of green blood,”

            “ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”

            “Michaela! No!”

            “ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”

            “Hey, where’s my wife?”

            “ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”

            “Which one? I saw Cody brooding over a quart of beer on our way over.”

            “ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”

            “Uh, I dunno. Where’s my wife?”

            “ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”

            “ Ugh! Never mind! Oh, and I’ll just take your entire underwear drawer, if that’s ok with you.”

            “ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”

            “Sure. Hey you kids! SHUT UP ALREADY!”

            “ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME! ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”

            “See ya. Oh, you can raise the kids now. Have fun!”

            “ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”

            “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…”

            END OF BOOK TWO

 

Book three- Chad in childcare

 

Once upon another time again Chad was having seriious issues in raising his eight identical octuplets. HE could not, for the life of him, remember their names, so he used food items that they fancied.

            “Hey Tapioca! Grab me a beer!”

            “Heck no, you lazy fat butt!”

            “Don’t talk to your father like that, or so help me, I will GROUND you!”

            “Yeah, you could use help.”

            Chad was in bad shape. He gained 1600 pounds in three months of childcare.

            Ugh, he thought, I need to go work out.

            So he went to the gym. Usually, when fat people go to the gym, they take one look at all the work that’s going on and run for it. Or rather waddle for it, in a sense. In this case, upon seeing the exersize equiptment, he cried out in anguish “Wouldn’t it be easier to lose wieght if we all did the cha-cha?!?”

            “Oh yes, a stroke of genius, that is!” exclaimed a women. In fact, it was no ordinary woman, it was Cody-the-drunken-moonwalking-fool! Undubiously, her relationship with Micheal Jackson ended when he molested their thanksgiving meal. So that was how it all started. They made a chain, running so far, it reached the ocean, which was about three feet away from the leader, Chad. They cha-chaed their fat little bodies until they could cha-cha no more. Chad was blissful that he had lost about half the mass of the Saturn’s largest satellite, and he was invited to Oprah to describe his amazing feat. But all that good had to end. His children were getting relentless, always being incredibly sarcastic towards him unil one day, he could handle it no more.

            “All righty, all you brats! Line up!”

            But all eight of them were busy shooting peas at him with high powered rifles.

            “Ack! You shot that pea in my eye! Call 911! AAAAH, it hurts!” he said, hopping around with his hand over his butt.

            “I thought it hit you in the eye,” Caviar sneered.

            “No, I just sat on a thumbtack. But my eye hurts too!” 

            So they dialed 1, thinking that anyone who had a little bit of brain would put 911 speed dial on one. Instead, ET answered.

            “ET PHONE SERVICES. HOW MAY I ASSIST YOU MICHAELA?”

            “Michaela?! This is Escargot.”

            “WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?” said ET.

            “I’m Michaela’s stepdaughter. My father just sat on a thumbtack and my brother Tar-Tar shot a pea in his eye and he needs help.”

            “OH. WELL, WE COULD HAVE SOMEONE COME DOWN THERE AND SURGICALLY REMOVE HIS EYE, REPLACE IT WITH A MARBLE, THEN CUT OPEN HIS HEAD AND REPLACE HIS BRAIN WITH AN ONION,” ET says.

            “Sorry, his brain’s already an onion,” Escargot informed him.

            “OKAY, HOW ABOUT CAULIFLOUR?”

            “I was thinking more along the lines of a dandelion, or some kind of weed. He would always show up at places where he was unwanted.”

            “OKAY. I SHALL SEND SOMEONE IMMEDIATELY.”

            So several extra terrestrial life forms broke down the door of Chad’s house and replaced his brain with a dandelion, but his children noticed no difference.

            “Why, thank you kindly! My brain has never smelled better!” Chad said fondly, stroking his hair.

            His children could see that something had to be done about him, so they held a meeting inside the bathroom.

            “We should find Zach and bring her back,” Tar Tar insisted.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Posted in Books, Fiction

Saudi Kidnapping: A Scarlett Herring Mystery

Scarlet Herring stared out upon the steadily darkening horizon above the gently rippling Red Sea. The sea itself seemed to be sleeping. Scarlet leaned on the fence of the observation deck, just thinking. The girl with deep red hair and oval-shaped cerulean eyes was a beauty; there was no way around it. She had a thin, shapely, but well muscled, body that drew the eyes of any male onlooker. Unless you were a close friend or relative, you wouldn’t ever guess that she was one of the world’s best detectives.

            At the moment she was thinking about her upcoming vacation. For the past four years she had been living in Saudi Arabia solving crimes and other mysterious mishaps there. Now she was going to travel back to the States for a short time to visit her family in Seattle, Washington, before heading out again to Peru.

            So she was very aggravated when a large sausage-like finger tapped her on the shoulder. She sighed internally. That usually meant someone had a big case for her. There goes my vacation, she thought wearily, and I was so looking forward to it. Turning, she sized up her unexpected visitor. He was a large man; about six foot five, around two hundred pounds, handlebar mustache (fake, she noted, and not very convincing), and beady black eyes. Dressed all in crimson, he looked nearly like an over-weight Satin. He squinted menacingly, making them, if possible, even smaller.

            “If you take the job, we’ll kill you.” The near-grunt voice was close to incoherent mutters. Scarlet was extremely surprised when he lifted her and threw her over the fence into the sea below. It was about a twenty-foot drop, but she was too astounded to scream. As she kicked to the surface, she reflected. “If you take the job, we’ll kill you.” Apparently “they”, whoever they were, thought she had been confronted with a case. It must be a pretty serious deal, probably murder or kidnapping, she concluded.

            Once she climbed out of the water and dragged herself onto a rock, another man scrambled over to her.

            “Miss? Are you all right? That was quite a fall!” He was in his mid-forties, had thinning gray hair, bald in the center, about five foot three, and portly.

            “Yes, I’m fine.” Scarlet growled.

            “I was wondering, are you Scarlet Herring, international detective?”

            “I am,” She removed her shoes and rung out her socks, adding to herself, and I know why you’re asking.

            “My name is Frell Down. I have a case for you, if you’re interested. It’s a kidnapping.”

            There it is. Just like I thought. “I’m listening.”

            “It’s my son. He just turned ten, and he was kidnapped about five o’clock last night. We were outside practicing archery. I went inside for a water bottle and when I came back out, Chanden, my son, was gone! All that was left were two brown backgammon playing pieces, a coin wrapped in a blue pipe cleaner, an action figure holding a bank notification, five standard playing cards, and my son’s bow and arrow. At first I thought he was just hiding, because his bow was still strung. You see, we have a small forest behind our house, where he used to love to play hide-and-go-seek. After about fifteen minutes without finding him, I went back to the house. When I went upstairs to my bedroom to call the police, I noticed my safe was broken open and all the money gone!”

            She thought about this for a minute. “Wow. That’s quite a story. Does your son always carry trinkets like this around? Like the backgammon pieces and such, I mean. And what did the police do?”

            “My son always has little things like that in his pocket. He calls them ‘comfort items’. They have six suspects at the station but they can’t figure out who did it. They suggested I come find you and ask you to help us out. Of course, you can change clothes before you come down. ”

            She grinned and nodded. Scarlet wasn’t going to let some fat, moustached Satin keep her from solving an interesting case like this.

            After going back to her hotel room, taking a shower, and changing clothes, she drove her green Jeep down town to the police station. There she met Officer Lugnat.

            “We have six men here we believe may have something to do with the case. Deliahs Smith, Cory Teller, and John Bender are close neighbors of Mr. Down. Chase Browngammon, Joey Ferrari, and Timothy Copegold are old friends of his.”

He handed her a stack of papers. “This is all the information we could dig up about their relationship with the Downs.”

            Scarlet sat down at a table and picked up the first report.

            Chase Foley Browngammon

            College Roommate of Frell Down

Came in second to Mr. Down in a college wrestling world championship

Helped Mr. Down plant his garden

Chanden Down’s PE teacher

Known to be “fair if it kills him”

“Fair if it kills him, eh?” She snorted and picked up the next description.

Deliahs Gregory Smith

Neighbor

Son is Chanden Down’s best friend

Known for his “Happy, easy-going attitude”

“Why is he even here?” Asked Scarlet, rounding on the police officer. He muttered something about the bathroom and donuts then rushed out of the room. Scarlet shook her head and turned back to the statements.

Cory ? Teller

Neighbor

Daughter carpools with Downs

Broke

Desperate for female attention ever since wife ran away

John Bender is rumored to have told him “make some cash and you’ll get some beauties”

Known for being “suspicious and non-trusting”

 

John ? Bender

Neighbor

Broke

Known as “the guy who’ll do anything for money”

Son Carpools with Downs

 

 

 

Timothy James Copegold

Childhood friend/rival

Always second best to Mr. Down except at school

Played the drums in his band with Mr. Down, called BESTAAAH

Known as the “Music Man”

 

Joey ? Ferrari

Computer whiz

Close friend of Mr. Down ever since he [Mr. Ferrari] moved to Saudi four years ago

Never liked children

Known as “the guy who never leaves his computer unless he’s hungry or irritated”

 

Scarlet read over the reports again and walked into the room where the suspects were being held.

“You,” She pointed at Deliahs. “Go home. I have no idea why they even brought you here.” She turned to the rest of them as Deliahs let out a large breath and dashed out of the room. “I’m not through with you five yet.”

Walking back into the hallway, she found the officer. “I know where he is.”

“Where who is?”

“Chanden.”

A few minutes later, Scarlet and three officers crammed into a police car, driving to Cory Teller’s home. She had let all her suspects go after telling them she knew where Chanden was, watching for a reaction. Only Timothy twitched. If the policemen thought she was being rash and stupid, they didn’t mention it. As they pulled up to Teller’s house, she turned to the police officers. “Don’t do anything unless I tell you to. Keep you guns out, but if they tell you to drop your weapons, do so. Announce you entrance as you would any other time.”

“THIS IS THE POLICE. DON’T TRY ANYTHING.” Announced Officer Oapaka loudly as the foursome broke down the front door and stepped into the house.

Scarlet raised her eyebrows. “Is that really what you say when you break into a dangerous kidnapper’s house? ‘Don’t try anything’?”

He ignored her as four men in black ski masks and crimson clothing walked out of the kitchen holding guns. “Drop your weapons.” Ordered the largest one, who Scarlet suspected to be the moustached Satin. “Or we’ll shoot the girl.” The officers dropped the guns. “Actually, do we really need her at all? We warned her once…” He loaded his gun and Scarlet had no doubt that he would have shot her if the shorter man to his right had not stopped him.

“No, not yet! Who’s the boss? Me! They made it this far, haven’t they? They deserve a chance. All right, there are fifteen rooms in this house. If you can figure out which one the kid is in, we won’t shoot.”

Scarlet’s head was spinning so fast she could have been mistaken for someone driving under the influence of alcohol. Then she remembered something.

“Officer Lugnat, what were the five cards that were found after Chanden was kidnapped?”

“Ummm, let’s see…a ten, a jack, a king, a queen, and an ace.”

“I know exactly where he is. I also know who the leader of this little party is, where the money is, and who got semi-cold feet while the plan was being put into action. Chanden wasn’t carrying that many things in his pocket.”

Who was the leader, what room was Chanden in, where was the money, and who got cold feet? And how did Scarlet know?

 

/  SCROLL FOR ANSWERS  /

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scarlet knew that a ten, jack, queen, king, and ace were a set of card called a royal flush when playing poker. That pointed her to the bathroom, where they found Chanden bound and gagged in the bathtub. The ringleader was Chase Browngammon, because when Scarlet was about to be shot, he stopped the gunman, because he was ‘always fair if it kills him’. She had known from before that he was at least part of the scheme because Chanden had dropped a brown backgammon piece. “Browngammon”, remember? He admitted later that he was still very sore from losing the wrestling championship to Down. Apparently, the sore turned to a throbbing wound, since he had taken such a drastic action of kidnapping Down’s son. The money was at John Bender’s house, because there had been a coin wrapped in a bent pipe cleaner where Chanden had been kidnapped, because he heard them discussing it as they grabbed for him. Now, Chanden had no way of knowing where he was going, or which room he was going to be hidden in. So he could not have dropped the last two clues, the five cards or the action figure holding the bank notice. Scarlet had figured out that the action figure, representing Chanden, holding the bank note meant that he was at Cory Teller’s house, because the word “teller” means a person who works at a bank. Cory got semi-cold feet immediately after Chanden was drugged, because he thought that the other men wouldn’t give him his share of the loot, which he admitted later. Scarlet learned from the reports that Cory was suspicious and didn’t trust anyone, so he was the only one who could have left those clues. Joey Ferrari and Timothy Copegold were released with no charges, since they had nothing to do with the crime. Scarlet may have missed her flight on the day of the kidnapping, but she managed to scrape tickets for the following departure and spent three happy weeks relaxing with her family and friends, entertaining them with stories from across the world.

Posted in Fiction

Downfall of Society

The first words of the constitution are “we the people”. As a revised modern draft would say, if ever compiled, “We the sexist, superficial, stereotyped maniacs whom are unwillingly pulled from our lounge chairs to vote and become part of the once envied freedom of the union of the United States of America”. Yes, it is true. Americans have become smug, comfortable, in their comfy little office jobs and their false assurances from the government that everyone is equal. Ha. Let me type that again. ‘Assurances from the government that everyone is equal'. Whatever idiot came up with that view of modern society hasn’t spent much time outside of his studio apartment in New York.

From my views, the only way this civilization will ever become equal is if, by some unexplainable miracle, people come to accept others, no matter how rich, poor, smart, or stupid they are, and that all the stereotypes are combined into one, standing group. Americans. Can we do it? Not in my lifetime.

Also, though it is said that women have been granted equal rights, due to the 19th amendment, are we really? No. In theory, yes, but in practice? Give me a break. If we were granted equal rights and opportunities, then the girls basketball team would have new jerseys of their own, not the leftovers from the boy’s season. Now, that has to be the greatest understatement of the inequality of women’s rights in the history of forever, but it is a legit and credible argument covering the issue described. But women’s rights aren’t the only things that are created for the mere reason of making us feel better.

I am sure that everyone has heard of the stereotypes described in schools and in everyday adult life, such as ‘nerds’, ‘jocks’, ‘skaters’, and ‘preps’. How many times has a person gone home upset or in tears because of their apparent social standing? I know I have, for one, come home at night utterly depressed about my inability to converse naturally with all people. My social stigma is nerd. As pathetic as that sounds, it is what me and about 10% of my peers have been tormented about since the day they set foot in grade school. To what purpose does this serve? It makes others less ‘nerdy’ seem superior. How unfair is that, America?

I’m not asking those who are pointed to in this article to give up all their social life for the sake of those less gifted in social events. I’m merely stating the obvious that is in all of our hearts, some of which are almost too deep to find, and I demand only one thing; respect. Respect me and my fellow ‘nerds’. Respect me and my fellow women. But most of all, respect yourselves, and so that at the end of the day, if someone were to ask you if you are proud of how you live your life, and how you treat and think of others, you will be able to answer them with a truthful… yes.