I’m not a musician. Merriam-Webster Online defines it as “a composer, conductor, or performer of music; especially instrumentalist. I think we can all agree that this definition does not fit me. I am, however, a writer, and sometimes I do find myself writing what some people may consider songs.
Last summer, when I went to that writing camp in Oregon, one of the classes I was privileged to take was a songwriting class. The assignment that we were actually charged to complete in this specific class was to write a song about a piece of literature, or using a piece of literature as significant inspiration. I, unfortunately, was unable to complete this request. But I had other things up my sleeve, being a writer and all.
So as I was flipping through my journal one night, I found a print copy of a chat transcript with Sean. Reading it back, I was emerged in the emotion of that moment, the moment when I wrote those words and he wrote some back. And I wrote a song entitled “Why You“.
Now, the only reason I bring this up at all is that I’ve used a similar situation, in fact, a similar subject for many other songs. Yes, in addition to “Why You”, Sean has inspired songs entitled “A Day in the Life Without You”, “Relapse”, “This Angry Song”, and “Anymore”. That’s five songs about one person, and not surprisingly, only one was a happy-ish song.
But Sean hasn’t been my only inspiration-machine. Dylan, as you can imagine, was also quite fruitful. “From the back of the classroom”, “Funny”, “Ode to DPS”, “Sometimes Forever”, “Not Alone“, “Dylan”, “What Friends are For”, and “More Than You Can Know”. I don’t think any of these songs were happy.
Which leads me to the point of this blog. I’m the type of person who thrives off of unhappiness. Anger and depression are writing goldmines for me, and so I become almost… obsessed with their origins. In my songwriting’s case, Sean and Dylan. There were many factors surrounding those relationships that were unhealthy and/or stressful, but I think the worst part was my inability to move on, as many of you have witnessed. Because they were such amazing sources of writing inspiration, I just couldn’t let myself get away. I needed them to fuel my angst and my pools of semi-interesting words and sentences.
I guess what I’m saying is that in order for me to move on, both emotionally and creatively, I need a new muse. Preferably, a happier one. I’m not advertising or anything, I’m just putting that thought out there. But until I find it, there are plenty of experiences from those boys to last me a lifetime of writing. But I’d like to put those experiences to rest, once and for all.
“Dylan”
I hear a lot of people say
That you don’t have a chance
But I want you to know
That I never believed them
I’ve seen the hurt you keep in your heart
And everyday I see you nearly break apart
I can barely stand it anymore
So I’ll open that door
Look at all the light
The opportunities bright
There’s more to life than sports
There’s more to life than girls
So don’t worry
You’ll make it through
And just so you know
I’ll always be there for you
So you didn’t make the team
So you didn’t get the grade
But I want you to know
That I never cared
You have true friends around you
You have the support from us
If things start to fall down on you
We’ll do what we must
Look at all the light
The opportunities bright
There’s more to life than sports
There’s more to life than girls
So don’t worry
You’ll make it through
And just so you know
I’ll always be there for you
Dylan tries
Dylan cries inside
Dylan, please don’t die
Dylan, keep your eyes on the prize, of life…
(So the last four lines are corny. Whatever. I like the overall idea of this song)
“This Angry Song”
It’s been two weeks since you talked to me
It hurts so much sometimes I can’t breathe
It’ll take so long for you to see
And oh, I wish I could break free
Can’t you see what I’ve become?
Do you care for the girl you once loved?
I guess I couldn’t see the sum
Me plus you was always just dumb
Why is it so easy
Looking back, you were the worst
But at the time of us
It didn’t feel like it was cursed
How can you talk to me like that?
I should have never said it back
I am not not the one to blame
This bullshit always was your game
I did nothing wrong
So here’s this angry song
Now I’ve started living life again
Moving past the place where I have been
Don’t tell me that I was your sin
Cuz the ice you’re skating on is thin
Can’t you understand me now?
I’ve moved on, it’s you who’s going down
I’m better off without this town
The look on my face is anything but a frown
Why is it so easy
Looking back, you were the worst
But at the time of us
It didn’t feel like it was cursed
How can you talk to me like that?
I should have never said it back
I am not not the one to blame
This bullshit always was your game
I did nothing wrong
So here’s this angry song
Don’t tell me that I’m stupid
Don’t tell me that I’m weak
I’ve come to terms with who I am
It’s you that will not speak
I don’t care where you are
I don’t care where you go
And when I’ve up and left
I promise there will be no note
Why is it so easy
Looking back, you were the worst
But at the time of us
It didn’t feel like it was cursed
How can you talk to me like that?
I should have never said it back
I am not not the one to blame
This bullshit always was your game
I did nothing wrong
So here’s this angry song
