Focus

It feels weird to blog. It feels weirder to write, in general. I’ve spent so much of my summer on sets or planning for sets that I just haven’t had the energy to be creative. That’s not exactly true, as a lot of my job as producer/production designer/actor/etc etc is creative problem solving, but still. It feels that way when I’m not writing.

I had a conversation about focus with my friend Chris this weekend while we were on set for HIS show, which is super smart and awesome and I can’t wait for you to see it. The conversation started out of a conversation about my various duties I had on set this weekend, and which ones I liked. For context, this weekend (and the weeks prior to this to set up for this weekend) I acted as executive producer, sound person, regular producer, location manager, assistant director, script supervisor, media manager, props master, production designer, and general errand-runner. More specifically, I was talking to Chris about how, though I was happy to do it for him, I realized that I hated script supervising, which is the fancy term for the person on set who makes sure continuity is kept (resetting props and set design, watching to make sure everyone’s hair and outfit looks the same between cuts, etc). I hate script supervising, I decided, because I have trouble focusing on just one thing. It’s the same reason I hate running sound (though I end up running sound at some point on every set I’ve been on so far). I mean, screw sound, but yeah. I don’t like being on a crazy busy and exciting set and only having to watch if that one piece of set dressing gets bumped in between takes or if there’s a weird sound disturbance in one take. I like assistant directing because I’m not fully in charge of anything, and I can spread my focus across a variety of things happening on set. Some sound, some continuity, some production design, lots of corralling actors and crew, etc. Chris decided he was the opposite way, so we are excited to move forward with our various projects in roles more suited for our comfort levels.

This lack of focus is not unique to my being on set, though. I have a hard time focusing on just one thing in my day to day life too. Even while watching my favorite TV shows, I have to be playing an iPhone game, or texting someone, or writing a To Do list, or whatever. I get restless if I’m only doing one thing at a time.

There is one major exception to this rule, and it’s writing.

If I’m into a story, then I can go eight hours without checking Facebook or email or watching a YouTube video or going to the bathroom (given that I haven’t drunk too much coffee). Writing is the one place where my mind completely focuses in, quiets to all exterior nonsense, and just goes. And that’s a state of zen I literally can’t replicate anywhere else in my life.

I live an insane life right now. I am living in New York City, I am an assistant manager at a coffee shop, and I am heavily involved in producing three different web series, one of which is one that I wrote and am now starring in. A couple weeks ago I rented a room in a studio in Manhattan to hold auditions, where attractive men flirted with me using the words I wrote for them on a page because they were interested in being involved in my web series about zombies and neurospsychology. I now regularly use phrases like “tracking shot” and “edit point” “set an agenda” and “practical effect” and “great for your reel” and I send emails to important people asking if they’ll let us film in places we think look cool, and I am in regular contact with people who are helping me make zombie costumes and rent entire cafeterias for filming. That is an insane thing. These are all insane things, and I am doing them, and people put me in charge of stuff and I get to watch talented people take words I thought sounded cool together and make them a real tangible thing I’ll be able to show people that might also get me a writing job someday.

By all accounts, it doesn’t make sense to move to New York City to be a writer. I was really good at school. I could have been a lot of things with a lot more job security. I could have stayed in Oregon and worked for my alma mater, or moved back to Colorado to limit my living expenses. Probably a lot of people think I should have done those things, because they make practical sense. But I live in a constant state of chaotic overthinking, and when I write, the world gets quiet and everything makes sense and the chaos converges into images and jokes and stories and it is just so restful to be able to focus for once in my insane life and so why would I want to do literally anything else?