Get that B a Book!

Because I’m so approachable and obviously nurturing, people often turn to me for gift giving advice. Usually, it’s dudes needing advice for female acquaintances, like classmates, coworkers, and roommates. And usually, my advice is simple: get that bitch a scarf! Bitches love scarves! (It’s not misogyny because I am a lady, and also because I consider “bitch” to be a genderless slur)

This year, though, I have another recommendation! I mean, I stand by that scarf thing. I repeat: Bitches love scarves. We should move on. Below is my holiday 2016 lady book gift guide!

(Note: the recipient does not have to be a lady, obviously. But in my experience, men have the most trouble getting women gifts, romantically or platonically. Dudes don’t give each other gifts, so that’s no biggie, and women mostly give great, thoughtful gifts so they don’t need help. Sorry! But it’s true!)

Bossypants by Tina Fey

This book came out in the historic year of 2011, so ask around to see if your intended gift recipient has read it already. If she (or he! Or they! Funny knows no gender!) has not, this book is a great option. Tina Fey is funny, obviously, but she’s also whip smart and relate-ably neurotic in this memoir. She covers everything from beauty standards to motherhood to the less glamourous side of Hollywood to the super glamorous side of Hollywood, all with wit, a hint of irony, and maybe a tad too much detail.

Quotes: 

“Let’s talk about the hair. Why do I call it “yellow” hair and not “blond” hair? Because I’m pretty sure everybody calls my hair “brown.” When I read fairy tales to my daughter I always change the word “blond” to “yellow,” because I don’t want her to think that blond hair is somehow better.”

“I tried to process what this meant for my evening.
“So… you and I will not be dry humping, then?”

“There is an actual difference between male and female comedy writers, and I’m going to reveal it now. The men urinate in cups. And sometimes jars.”

Yes Please! by Amy Poehler

This one hails from 2014, so a bit old, but also absolutely worth including on this list. She gives less away about her romantic relationships (unlike Tina Fey), but gives a lot away about herself, and it is a fascinating exploration of someone who is famous for her relentless optimism that is just as funny as other people’s relentless negativity. She details drug use, living in squalor for comedy, the reality of divorce, and how to maintain the aforementioned relentless optimism. Yes Please! Is a call to action for young women, whether the want to be comedy writers and actors or now, and is full of fantastic, warm advice.

Quotes:

Decide what your currency is early. Let go of what you will never have. People who do this are happier and sexier.

My motto has always been “Do work that you are proud of with your talented friends.”

“Quick note here: Everybody wants you to share your MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT all the time, and I am here to tell you that you don’t have to. You don’t have to tell it or tweet it or Instagram it. You don’t have to put it in a book or share it with anyone who doesn’t feel safe and protective of your heart.”

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) by Mindy Kaling

Another book published back in 2011, but Mindy Kaling isn’t as well known (sadly) as Tina and Amy, so it’s probably a safe bet your gift recipient has not read it. I first bought this book either in an airport or at a bookstore on a whim, and only knew Mindy Kaling from The Office. Then I read it and fell in love. Mindy Kaling is the person with the career and trajectory I want most for my own life, and is also one of the funniest and smartest writers I’ve ever read or watched. Her near-shameless retellings of her childhood and early career are at the same time funny, insightful, courageous, and honest. Reading this book is like hanging out with your best friend.

Quotes:

“Dress code [for my funeral]: chic devastated.”

“Write your own part. It is the only way I’ve gotten anywhere. It is much harder work, but sometimes you have to take destiny into your own hands.”

“I’m getting made fun of because I used to be fat? The laws of bullying allow you to be cruel even when the victim had made strides for improvement? This is when I realized that bullies have no code of conduct.”

Why Not Me? by Mindy Kaling

Yes, this is another book by Mindy Kaling. This one is from 2015, after she got her own show (The Mindy Project) and spent a few more years in her chosen career. Since her first book, she hasn’t lost a single bit of her humor, but has gained a broader perspective on success, grief, moving on, letting go, ambition, and being a woman in a world that doesn’t like women very much. This book is worth reading just for the career advice, which could be applied to literally any industry or job. It’s delivered matter-of-factly, unapologetically, and wish a dash of self-deprecation.

Quotes:

“It’s just that, the truth is, I have never, ever, ever met a highly confident and successful person who is not what a movie would call a “workaholic.” We can’t have it both ways, and children should know that.
Because confidence is like respect; you have to earn it.”

“Work hard, know your shit, show your shit, and then feel entitled. Listen to no one except the two smartest and kindest adults you know, and that doesn’t always mean your parents. If you do that, you will be fine.”

I Know I Am, But What Are You? by Samantha Bee

I will come out and it: this book is not what I expected. Being an out and proud feminist and liberal thinker, Full Frontal with Samantha Bee on TBS has been a revelation and a Godsend, if I believed in that sort of thing. It would follow that her book would be angry, funny, and political in the same way her show is, but that is not what you get with “I Know I Am.” Instead, you get a very honest, unflinching look at the anxious, strange childhood of a powerful, strange adult. It’s certainly funny, just not in the way you might anticipate. She recounts tales of car theft, bad dating decisions, having old hands, and never giving up.

Quotes:

“For about nine years, from the age of three until I was twelve or so, Jesus was totally my boyfriend.”

“Sex with my first boyfriend was a little bit like learning how to put in a tampon, but only half as enjoyable! I could have taken it or left it, to be honest.”

“Children’s entertainment was a natural fit for me because (a) I dislike other people’s children, and (b) I was unemployable in virtually every other aspect of show business.”

Where Am I Now? True Stories of Girlhood and Accidental Fame by Mara Wilson

Though I loved Matilda as a kid, in both book and movie form, I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about the movie’s star, Mara Wilson. Then I read a few of her articles on Cracked, saw her retweeted by other people I actually followed on Twitter, and was made aware of the fact that she wrote a book. I read it, loved it, and now, here I am, suggesting it to you! In an attempt to not keep saying the words “unflinching” and “insightful” in this blog post, I’ll say this: what’s great about this book is that while she’s a recognizable public figure, her story is reversed from the others on this list. She had an acting career first, a “real life” second, and that transition is sympathetic and interesting.

Quotes:

“When you believe you’re persecuted, you will believe anything you do is justified”

“I was always in someone else’s world, and I always knew it. This, I’ve learned, is a far more common feeling than I once imagined.”

“My greatest fear was that someone, part of the amorphous public, people who’d never met me, would discover I had any kind of sexuality. I had been a part of many people’s childhoods, and therefore felt I had to at least pretend to be a Good Girl for the rest of my life if I wanted to stay in their good graces.”

Scrappy Little Nobody by Anna Kendrick

I preordered this book as soon as that was a possibility, and let me tell you, it did not disappoint. This is another example of reading a book that feels like talking to your best friend, because Anna Kendrick does not pull punches or sugar coat anything. When people, actors especially, become acclaimed before 30, we have a tendency to assume it was an easy journey, but in reading books like Scrappy Little Nobody, your worldview is forcibly altered for the realistic. I’m not sure if this is relevant, but if out of all the books I’ve mentioned so far, this one goes into the most sexual detail. Do with that what you will.

Quotes:

“Once you know someone is an asshole, it’s hard to find anything they say funny, charming, or poignant.”

“I was being flown around, staying in hotels I could never afford and putting on clothes that someone else picked out. When I went home, I dragged a suitcase full of those items I didn’t own across my tar-stained carpet and dumped it out at the foot of my Ikea bed.”

“Sex was GREAT!! Why hadn’t anyone told me?!”

Talking As Fast As I Can by Lauren Graham

If your gift recipient likes Gilmore Girls, get them this book immediately and congrats! You’re done! It’s really as simple as that, even if a good amount of this book isn’t actually strictly about Gilmore Girls. Lauren Graham is honest without giving too much away, funny without it feeling false, and open about her successes, her failures, and her ambitions. She also lived on a houseboat for a while! How cool is that?

Quotes:

“If you want to know what Hollywood is really like, just watch The Hunger Games over and over.”

“I read somewhere that Christopher Reeve said one of the ways he knew a part was for him was when he couldn’t stand the idea of anyone else doing it. I know that exact feeling. There’s a sort of manic recognition that happens very rarely when I read something I want so much that I go briefly but totally bonkers.”

“Most other shows on the WB at the time were peopled with young hotties. I love that we were peopled with a lot of interesting people.”

You’re Never Weird On The Internet (almost) by Felicia Day

These last two recommendations are a bit more niche (skewing more online than Hollywood) and also a bit darker. They are also, however, somehow more relevant and full of hope in many ways. First up is Felicia Day, the uncontested queen of the internet, who came into her own as a web series creator and star (sound familiar…?) while acting traditionally and playing hours and hours of video games on the side. This book went much farther than I expected into her depression, gaming addiction, and professional failures, and I’m incredibly grateful for that as a reader. Things we watch for five minutes may have taken five years to actually make, and that puts art into a whole new perspective.

Quotes:

“As a redhead, I’m a sixth-lead specialist, and I practically invented the whole “cute but offbeat hacker girl” trope on television. (Sorry. When I started doing it, it was fresh. I promise.)”

“For the record, I was homeschooled for hippie reasons, not God reasons. And it wasn’t even full hippie.”

“I was always the gloomy Darth Vader of the group. I could even see the dark side of poop jokes.”

Buffering: Unshared Tales Of A Life Fully Loaded

Two things you should know: first, this is the most niche book on this list, because the author is a well-known YouTuber. Second, it is also the darkest book on this list, detailing being raised by a schizophrenic mother in actual, cockroach-covered squalor and struggling with sexuality and PTSD from childhood trauma. However, it is also a fantastic, heartwarming, heartwrenching read, and for the internet-savvy lady (or dude or non-binary diggity) it’s a great holiday gift. Hannah Hart manages to balance some truly horrifying stories with some truly uplifting and beautiful writing and sentiments. This is my last 2016 book recommendation so I’m going to use that word one last time: unflinching. This book is unflinching. Thank you, Hannah Hart.

Quotes:

“Sometimes I hear my father’s voice saying that the Devil wants us to misplace the anger we have at this System of Things and point it towards Jehovah. It makes me feel wicked and wretched to be angry. But our Creator has not wronged me. The weakness is in myself.”

“I’m with a camp that is all about manifesting your inner self into reality. I told them that I wanted to look like Disney’s Aladdin.”

“I loved making people laugh. I loved making people happy. Their happy was my happy, too.”

 

And there you have it! I hope this list helped make some excellent gift-giving decisions this holiday season, or it made you want to read some of these excellent books. Full disclosure: I read all of these books this year, in the past 8 months in fact. 4 of them I read in the past two weeks. While making Brains season 2 I was very stressed out so I turned to many of these ladies for guidance and distraction, and it was by far the best thing I could have done in that situation. And all the situations. These books kinda ruined fiction for me because all I want to do is read books by amazing women in the entertainment industry.

BONUS BOOK SUGGESTIONS:

• Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher
• Binge by Tyler Oakley
• The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
• Last Days of Summer by Steve Kluger

 

BONUS TV SHOW SUGGESTIONS:

Like, box sets. For shows that are no longer airing.

• Pushing Daisies
• You, Me, and The Apocalypse
• Gilmore Girls
• Veronica Mars
• The Good Wife
• Parks and Recreation
• Scrubs