I remember as a small child I, and everybody else I knew, always strived to be seen as older than they were or mature for their age. I did it, I remember the lies about how old I was and always aspiring to be like people who I saw as more mature and cooler.
I look back on this now because I’m at the end of my high school career and I am older and more mature. Also, as the years have gone by I’ve grown into, and become more comfortable with, myself.
Recently I’ve noticed that more of my conversations are with adults than people my age. I’ve also noticed I don’t try as hard to fit in. In a recent conversation I had with my dad about growing up and not caring what people think as much anymore he mentioned how you grow into yourself as you mature and how as you get older and older you care less and less what other people think of you.
Eventually, as the conversation unfolded we came to the point where I mentioned how I’ve realized that as I’ve become older the number of friends I have has reduced and how I’ve felt lonely in this realization.
At this point my dad said something I don’t think I’ll ever forget, and that pretty well sums up aging. “Getting old is lonely.” He said. And, after my timid response of “Well you still have plenty of friends.” He said “What, you don’t think I get lonely? I have plenty of people I know. But, as for actual friends as I’ve gotten older most of them have moved away or vanished or mainly they have died.”
I think I remember this because I can see what he’s saying. I’ve only known two people my age who have died, but I see it happening. I was mostly friends with upperclassmen last year and I see that they’re bored and lonely now that their friends are gone. I see that when you go away to school you leave most of your friends behind. I see that even if you don’t disband from moving, you find new people and you move on.
This really comes about most when I think about all the people I know and all the people who I’m not as close to anymore. Then, I think about how in just a couple months I have to go to college. And, while I’m most likely not leaving the valley, most of my friends are. Even if they don’t, I have to grow up and get serious. I want to get out of the valley, and I want to meet new people. But, I will lose almost everybody who truly matters to me.
How does anyone else feel about this? Honestly, I’m an odd combination of excited and terrified. Though, this won’t be the first time I’ve left behind everything I’d ever known.
