I’m not gonna name names, but a couple weeks ago one of my professors was talking about Robert Frost and made some comments that really got to me- and not in a good way. Apparently, Frost was under the impression that when it comes to parenthood, your mother is a democrat and your father is a republican, especially in regards to their male children. The professor-that-will-not-be-named really got on board with this theory, and of his two grown sons had this to say on the matter- “My sons knew they could lose my love.”
Am I the only one who thinks that’s kind of awful? Preceding and following that direct quotation (yes, he said that word for word), the same nameless professor ranted about how love must be earned, etc etc. It’s a very Ayn Rand kind of idea, though I’m not sure if her individualistic philosophies extend to family and, more specifically, children. But if she would have agreed with this approach to parenthood, much as I love Ayn Rand, I would have to take offense.
My parents raised my brother and I with one simple rule: we will love you no matter what, but we reserve the right to be disappointed in your choices or behavior. Not to sound biased, but that’s a pretty kickass parenting strategy. Vinny and I knew that no matter how stupid we acted sometimes (and trust me, we acted stupid sometimes), our parents would always love us, and would always be there even if no one else was. But we didn’t use that as an excuse to act out- because our parents were “democrats” with their love, it made it excruciating to disappoint them. It’s much harder to hurt those who love you than to hurt vindictive, you-have-to-earn-affection people. Coughcough.
But if my parents ever stopped loving me because of a dumb choice I made as a teenager, or even as a kid, how was I supposed to grow up without serious losses in my emotional faculties? I would be constantly petrified of doing anything wrong, for fear that any mistake could cause the people you can always count on to tap out at any moment with a frustrated “I’m done with this.” That’s not a healthy relationship, constantly having to prove yourself, by any stretch of the imagination.
This is, incidentally, the same professor who was so furious that his then-six-year-old son had memorized some commercial jingles that he took him for a long walk and made him memorize a Robert Frost poem. That’s insane. Insane as in how were your kids ever functioning human beings?
I think the main problem here i that these insane parenting practices assume that a childhood is for the weak. It’s not. You only get once chance to be a kid, one chance to be completely free of worldly woes, so why would you want to take that away from someone? I constantly regret how quickly I grew apart from the wonder and magic of childhood in exchange for the sarcasm and cynicism of adulthood, or at least of being a teen. Half of the reason I’m so high strung (aside from genetics- sorry mom and grandma) is probably because I was already planning for college scholarships and straight A’s at the age of 8. I have documented proof of this- it’s kind of sad. I don’t even want to imagine how I would have turned out if Professor he-who-must-not-be-named was my dad.
Point is, using the loss of love as a motivator to not make mistakes is sick and misguided, especially towards kids. Making mistakes is the most important part of growing up, and it’s important to recognize that those mistakes are not the end of the world. They’re simply learning experiences. No kid should have to prove themselves to earn parental love. They’re just kids. Let them have their childhood- you’ll have plenty of time to screw them up later in life.
I agree with you Bri. I’ve got so many siblings and such a big family that it wouldn’t be possible if my parents cared about every mistake. I’d still be an only child. You can’t lose your parents’ love; you don’t have to earn it – you’re born with it. You can throw it away, but in some place they’ll still love you.
I know who Professor-cannot-be-named is and although I am completely with you on the holding love as collateral thing I am not really sure that he meant that completely. He does go overboard and I certainly have had times where I disagreed with his parenting methods but having his chid memorize frost after the jingle was a brilliant parenting move in my opinion and started me reading poetry at the dinner table with my son after he told that story. But yes I agree there should never be anything a child can do to take away a parents love.