Ever since I wrote that post about “true love”, I’ve been thinking a lot about romanticism and my own past relationships, of which there haven’t been many. And then I started thinking about kissing. It’s kind of a bizarre concept when you first think of it; when did someone decide that putting the place you consume food on someone elses? But on a physiological level, your lips are much more sensitive than any other part of your body, which is why we do it. And then I started thinking about my own experiences with kissing.
And then I realized that not only have I not kissed anyone in over a year, but the last person I kissed was Sean.
Ouch. That bothers me a little bit, considering the way our relationship coalesced. Towards the end of my senior year, I hid his updates from my Facebook profile, and just a week ago I deleted him altogether. It’s just not worth it.
It makes me a little… sad, I suppose is the best word, to think about this stuff. The whole reason I “un-friended” him was because it hurts to see his life. Every time he posts a status update or a new picture, it opens a new wound in my heart. Even thinking about it makes my chest contract and my breathing slow painfully. As much as I hate to admit it, our relationship is still affecting me. Every day. There will always be a small part of me that is in love with him, but that part of me is hated and despised by the rest of me. That part of me isn’t invited to parties or dinner dates. It just sits alone in its little box and mopes.
I hate that the last person I kissed was Sean, but I’m not about to go around and kiss the next guy I see. Because I’d hate even more kissing someone I don’t care about- that’s almost worse that kissing someone who made me alternatively blissful and miserable.
That’s really all I wanted to say. I just wanted to point of the surrealism of the fact that Sean was the last person I kissed. Crazy stuff.
