Posted in Blog

My Comp/Lit paper I got an A+ on

I've finally decided to put it up…

 

 

 

The new moon is the darkest time of the month, and it can also symbolize the darkest time in someone's life. But darkness doesn't always suggest melancholy.

My darkness was under-confidence. Throughout my elementary and middle school life it was like a savage plague, killing me from the inside out. My torment came from the outside primarily, but I took it in and it grew into something much more intense and grotesque.

I had always been a loner, so maybe my new moon started because I wasn't used to talking to people; my protective 'shell' wasn't fully operational.

Every school has a bully. Some bullies are physical, some are mental, and some are a horrific combination of both. My elementary school's was mostly mental, but the vicious little demon would dish out punches every once in a while.

From second grade on, he tormented me, telling me how “ugly”, “fat”, and “stupid” I was, among other things, as he kicked mud in my face and threw projectiles. I took every bit of the disdain he had for me and turned it into contempt and disgust for myself. I despised the bully for hurting me, but also despised myself because I thought he was right, thought that I was truly all those hideous things. And so I retreated inside myself, afraid of being me, before I even hit puberty.

I met Vannah subconsciously, like a little voice in my head that provided moral support. She was the voice of reason, persuading me not to listen to the bully. But, her being just a subconscious buzz of slight annoyance, I ignored her, and continued my inward torture.

My first two years of middle school were horrible. If I wasn't alone, I was with a group of people that I didn't necessarily like or want to be around, but my craving for company held me in. Every time I began to be myself, something happened and caused me to retreat within once more.

In eighth grade, I started to sit with a group of girls at lunch. I was cautious; they were very outspoken, so I didn't talk much the first few months.

And then I realized something about these girls. They didn't have the greatest self-confidence, they weren't the most popular, and people teased them. But the difference between them and me was that they didn't care. They took insults and laughed, because they were secure enough in who they were not to take it seriously. And I wished I were more like that. I was still not totally secure, though I was more outgoing and open, but I wasn't brave enough to completely be myself yet.

I formally met Vannah the summer after eighth grade. She began as just a character on my website; I credited original songs to her, in fear that my voice was not very good. But then people started reacting to the songs, complimenting them. So I began crediting them to myself, more confident. The website's visitors applauded.

After that I began to see myself more clearly. I was not really a naturally quiet person; I had been forced into silence by my lack of confidence. Likewise, I was not nearly as shy as I had thought, merely afraid of what people would think of me.

It was in my honors comp/lit class where I finally brought Vannah out. The assignment had been to bring in song lyrics to analyze. One girl's mother had volunteered her to sing her lyrics. The girl's voice was beautiful. My teacher asked if anyone else wanted to sing theirs'. I had brought some of my own lyrics, and I looked down at them then, undecided. Another girl volunteered. Her voice was beautiful.

Again, my teacher asked for volunteers. Two of my friends looked at me expectantly; they had read my lyrics. Slowly, I raised my hand. I pretended that I didn't want to, that I was forced, but in my head, Vannah urged me on. I was now in the front center of the room, the center of attention. A part of my mind hurriedly made up excuses to get out of it, another part told me to run, but Vannah only had one thing to say to me.

Sing.”

And I obeyed. No one spoke a word as the music flowed from my mouth as if they belonged somewhere outside of my head. And then the unthinkable happened; the thing I never expected.

They applauded.

Since then, I have rarely been afraid to do anything. I will no longer be a bird caged from flying; Vannah was my savior!

But, then again, she had absolutely nothing to do with it. I sang those songs on my website. I wrote those stories, those poems. I sang in front of all those people. I was the one they applauded. It was my subconscious mind that created Vannah to help me find myself.

Thank you, Vannah.

 

Posted in Blog

Homecoming… the story

It was awful. And let me tell you why.

At first, when we got dropped off, looking purty good, if you ask me, we had to stand outside for twenty minutes because the teachers couldn't get their acts together.

When we finally got inside, we went into the gym for pictures. That took another twenty minutes.

By the time that was done, the dance was already half over.

When we got there, the music was off because the teacher, who was also the DJ, blew the speakers out. they didn't play slow songs for more than fifteen seconds anyway (which, in the end, turned out to be a good thing)

We stood in our little group for a little, then Hayley went off with her new friend and Kelli dissapeared with her date… so it was just Bridget, Mia, Danika, and me.

Mia had been asked to the dance by Jacob, one of my guy friends, but she only said yes because she didn't want to be rude. (poor guy, when Micheal made him ask her himself, while we were outside, he stammered and said 'do you have a….dance?')

I had been asked by Tristan, who, as it turns out, acctually does like me, and was not dressed up at ALL. Not even a tie. Just a really baggy blue polo shirt and black pants with converse (I approved that, at least)

After a while, our feet hurt (high heels),

so me and Bridget went and sat down. Micheal and Jacob came over and sat by us (me) for a little and talked. I was vaugley aware of Tristan and his friend Tanner only dancing within ten feet of me.

When Mike and Jake left, Tristan 'non-chalantly' plopped down next to me, and I found myself promising him a slow dance.

That was after Bridget winked at me and stood up and left.Yell

Then I found Bridget and Mia and Danika and we went and hid out in the gym and took off our shoes. Apparently, Tristan and Tanner followed us, but they left.

But they knew where I was. So when the slow song came on in the cafeteria (what's a party without that gross fish nugget and chicken farm smell?), he marched into the gym and said, "Bri, it's a slow song,"

My friends snickered. Sheesh.

So I had no choice but to follow him out the doors and into the cafeteria. With my heels, I was taller than him by about two inches.

Tanner was snickering and taking pictures with his phone.

Thankfully, the dance only lasted about ten seconds.

Again, I found myself aggreeing to another dance. Gosh, why do I do this to myself??

Mia and Bridget and I hid out in the bathroom for a while, where there was no paper towels so we dried our hands with toilet paper.

Then we went back outside and sat down for a while.

Then we got up and went into the gym again.

Then we went back into the hall and Mike and Jacob were sitting, so I went and talked to them. Apparently, Jacob hadn't asked Mia to dance becase Mike had told him that she didn't look 'into' him, Which was true, but what kind of friend does that??

Mike hadn't been having the best luck with girls either. He'd asked 5 girls in the past three days and got rejected by all of them.

Then Tyler came ofer and we all talked for a little, Mike untied his tie, unbuttoned some of his shirt, and turned his collar up and started acting like a drunk person. It was quite entertaining.

Tanner came over to me and told me that Tristan was sick and had to go home and wanted Tanner to tell me that. I said, 'oh. ok.' like the genius that I am.

When Tanner left, Tyler looked at me and said 'you aren't very put down about that, are you?'

I said not really.

Then, finally, it was time to leave, so six of us (minus Kelli, who must have had OODLES of fun with her date [i love u Kelli!], plus this one girl…) squeexed into Hayley's stepmom's truck and went to Hayley's house for a bon-fire.

It wasn't really all that fun. I was still depressed from the dance, my ear got milked, and the boys that were there (Hayley's brother and his friends) were standing in the middle of the fire like morons.

So I got home at 11:30, washed off my makeup, took out my hair, and lay down in my bed for a couple of minutes.

Then I decided I was hungry, so I got up and used a little light I got from Kit's Peak that was really dull and went out into the garage and got a slice of cold pepperoni. Mmmmm.

Then I went to bed.

We all looked really good, though.

Too bad it wasn't worth it at all.

Kelli, Bridget, Me (my posture sucks), Hayley, Mia, Danika

Posted in Blog

Today is an official holiday of Bri’s Own World!

Why? Because:

today was the first day in the three years we've been friends that Dylan has complimented me!

*slaps*

Thaaaaaaaaaaaat's right folks.

I had to sing my song 'invisible torment' to my comp/lit class and afterwards he complimented me. He was also mad that I didn't tell him i was a 'ficking pro singer'. (his words, not mine)

So yes, i have awful enough relationships with some of my friends that I have to have a holiday when they compliment me.

But, you know what? I don't care. BEcause he complimented me.

Also, I got hugged by two people because they liked my song/singing.

very strange day…

 

 

 

Oh, and

CONGRADULATIONS, KELLI, ON GETTING A DATE TO HOMECOMING! 

Posted in Bri

Homecoming angst

I swear it's laughing at me.

I didn't know inanimate peices of paper could be so cruel.

WHAT DOES IT WANT WITH ME?

It just sits there, taped to the locker right next to me, glaring at me whenever I need to get something.

But underneath the glare, it's laughing.

Don't doubt it.

 

As if it's not bad enough that my FRIENDS call me ugly, now it has to PROVE how ugly I am.

By not getting a date to homecoming.

That's right.

H.O.M.E.C.O.M.I.N.G.

The "Fire and Ice" sign next to my locker expresses it's hate for me quite clearly.

It knows I'm not getting a date.

It just knows it.

I don't know how, but…

Ok, yes I do.

Obviously, it caught on to how extremely undesirable I am.

Since, according to Dylan, looking at me is like pulling teeth with a knife, I'm pretty much screwed in the boys department.

Ok, so Hayley thinks I'm pretty.

Thank's plunkit, but no offense, I don't really feel like going to homecoming with you.

Like a date. Not with you, dear.

Not even SROTS.

Geez O Pete, I'm pathetic.

So here's my other predicament:

I like this guy.

He is in my GT and Spanish class.

He acctually knows my name.

I don't know if he likes me.

I want him to ask me to homecoming.

HAH, like that's gonna happen.

 But, in vain hope, I'm prettying myself up as good as I can.

I'm wearing almost clear white nail polish.

I'm going to straiten my hair.

I scrubbed my face vigourously in order to bring down my killer acne.

I am going to get up early tomarrow to do my makeup WELL.

And I'm still going to have absoulutely NO chance.

If he doesn't ask me tommarow, I'm going to try to rally a group date.

If anyone would like to attend, please let me know.

Gosh, I should just brand a huge "L" on my forehead. 

Posted in Poetry

Love is an imperfect science

LOVE IS AN IMPERFECT SCIENCE

I see you

but do you see me?

I ponder the question

set my mind free

I watch your smile

shy and soft

Would you smile for me?

I feel so off

Hair like a cloud

thick, fair, curly

chest not small

but not yet burly

happily, helpfully,

I'd give you my heart

I just can't stand

to see us apart

Posted in Bri

My love test results

From Caboose Online, I enjoyed ( or not) the love calculater very much. And now you will see how incredibly lame I am.

 

Bri with Liam aiken= 28%

AN OUTRAGE!

Bri with Jacob Kraemer- 46.5%

That's better, I guess 

Bri with Benjamin Franklin- 24.5%

HAHAHA

Bri with Logan- 47.5%

Score!

Bri with Jake Abel- 38.5%

Dangit

Bri with Rollo Weeks- 77.5%

YES!!!!

Bri with Scorch Admin (lol)- 27%

hahahaha

And Finally…

Bri with Guy I've Never Met- 94 honking %!!!

 

Well, I suppose that concludes my "soul mat search"

I'm going to end up with someone named "Guy I've Never Met"

Great.

Bri