Today

In an attempt to continue my project of recording who or what made me happy that day I am going to recount who made me happy today.

Today it wasn’t the usual of meeting a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile or doing something exciting. No, though it did involve an old friend. Actually, several old friends, as it were.

You see, today I had what can be called an average day. If you’re an optimist, that is.

I came to school listening to music that put me in a good mood. I got a CD that I really wanted from a friend. I hung out with my friend, Jordan (a guy), all before class. Then as I hung out in the commons, as I always do, I saw my friend Alysha walk by. Background stating that Alysha can be quite oblivious at times I just blew it off when she didn’t see me. And so, on to class.

First class, quite dull. But, being an aid, I slept through it. Second class, meeting with a friend who’d just wronged me, lied to me, and used my generally friendly nature.

For a quick side story, I’ve lately been told and constantly reminded that I am apparently a nice guy. A very nice guy. Too nice. I’m soft, weak, a wimp. I hate that. I wish for once it wouldn’t be looked down on to actually care. No to mention if it were actually appreciated.

Anyway, onward with the story. After a very awkward 45 minutes of trying to figure out just what to do about the current situation with one of my remaining friends we decided to just work on it and let it work it’s self out.

Then, forensics. I made my usual bout of being overly cheery, and sarcastic. This raised my spirits. That is, until I saw dear old Betsy. Now, I pretend to be oblivious and not see people because it makes me feel better about them not seeing me. And, I forgive people for not always seeing me. But, when somebody walks right past you and looks directly at you and then ignores you it does hurt. Especially when that person used to, or at least seemed to, look up to you and really  want to be your friend. Now, my illusions that Betsy thinks so highly of me had long since evaporated. But, I assumed that she would at least still have a vague interest in being my friend.

So, when I saw her in the commons just before lunch I took a chance and said hi. Never in my life have I been shrugged off by someone so quickly in my life. Especially not someone who just a mere six weeks ago had been fretting to me about high school. Someone who I had been close to. I felt like I had died.

So, I tried to off this by acting confident and pretending like maybe she had to be somewhere.

I got my lunch and went to write a book in a year club. I saw two friends there. One, Bri. The other, Megan. Now, I didn’t mention it earlier but I had seen Bri in the library shortly before seeing Betsy in the commons and had been shrugged off by her as well. So, back to the story, I said hello to Bri and got my usual lack of a response. This, I did not find abnormal, as Bri no longer seems to see me as someone she cares to be friends with. But, then I said hello to Megan. Now recently Megan had been there for me. Been nice to me. And today it felt cold and distant talking to her. Like she only was because she felt obligated.

After this I found my friends in the halls and hangout with them again. And, what do you know, Alysha walked right by again. Wonderful

Then, to accounting. In my meager search for the faintest glimpse of a friend who might appreciate me and accept me and perhaps even make an occasional effort with nothing to gain themselves, I have recently started being friendly towards Rachel (I can’t say last names here). A girl who I had sincerely hated for long periods of time due to her constant harassment of me. This was the only comfort of the day.

I drove home excited to listen to the CD Jordan had burned for me only to find that it skips. Also, after driving my old, and rather broken, car on the interstate the other day it has started to show severe signs of death. And so, I drove home without the one thing I had been looking forward to all day in a car that feels broken.

And, I know that it sounds like I’ve only been moaning this whole time. But, those things have been what have made my day great. It’s like the novel Siddhartha, by Hermann Hesse. I walked and thought through all these soul-crushing disappointments as they were caked on one after another. And, I came out the other side with my constant wish to finally get close to someone with out them moving away, but also with the knowledge that when they inevitably do I can just hold my head as high as I can manage and perhaps look to the few who had yet to flee for support.

I do realize this story only involves girl, except for Jordan, but that is because the only male friends I have in my life are the only people who don’t judge me or disappoint me. And, to answer your query of why I don’t just have only male friends then, it’s because I’m a guy. And, I can’t go to my guy friends for how I may feel that day. I may be able to talk to one, my best friend for the last decade, Tanner, but it’s not the same. Then, it’s only venting. I need people I can be close to in a different way. Guy friends give you something to do, girl friends keep you company. And, that’s what I need right now.

And, that’s the most open I have EVER been. 1038 words, dang.