Weighed Down

Four years ago, I looked like this:     And at the beginning of this school year, I looked like this:

Can you spot the difference?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

Ok, so maybe both of those pictures were overly flattering. A better “now” picture would probably be….

 Let’s get a bit closer…..

Oh yeah.

That’s the stuff.

Even with the first two pictures, though, there’s an undeniable expansion that has gone underway. I want to lay out right now that I do not believe I am fat. No, this is fat:

I AM SO SORRY.

I may not be “fat” fat, but if you take another look at my unappealingly zoomed in stomach up there, I think you’ll agree that I’m on the cusp. No, I’m not fat, but the line between “soft” and “obese” is steadily approaching, and that’s a line I don’t think I want to cross any time soon.

I’ve always been self conscious about my weight, ever since puberty, which I hit a good two years before most other girls I knew. I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that I had to start wearing a bra in third grade (I was 7/8 years old) and I got my first Joy of Womanhood when I was nine. That’s insanely early for girls. According to Wikipedia (I know, I know….) girls generally don’t generally develop in the chest area until they’re about ten, and the average age for the beginning of menstruation in the US is…. 12.5. I was a full three years early in both accounts, and that means a couple of things.

First, I gained weight much more rapidly and much earlier than most of my female classmates, so by the time I was a fourth grader, I weighed 104lbs while many of my friends were still under 90. Even though I averaged two different sports a year (and sometimes three, depending on if I was on the swim team or not), I was always bigger than everyone else. This also wasn’t helped by my genetics, since I’m quite short. In fact, I’ve started to tell people that I am basically a hobbit minus the hairy feet. I am short, squat, and solid, and I have been that way ever since puberty, exercise or not.

Which isn’t to say that I was ever “in shape.” Even when I was playing sports, I could never keep up with the other kids. I was just so determined and competitive that I did alright even though I was never as physically fit as everyone else.

And all this brings me to the point of this blog, which is the cusp I was talking about earlier. I am not fat, but I’m on the cusp. It’s gotten to a point where I rarely sit down without crossing my arms across my body, because I’m self conscious about my stomach pooch, and I don’t think I’ve worn shorts out of my own room since that first picture was taken.

The hardest part for me is nutrition, to be honest. I’ve been working out three times a week for an hour each, and if I really put my mind to it, I could work out even without the gym. But nutrition is hard, especially for a poor -and I would like to stress the word poor– college student. I have about $500 dollars in my checking account right now, and no income (although I’m working on that part- more on that soon, hopefully), so buying quality groceries is kind of out of the question, even with roommates. And even with Cooking with Gandalf, we don’t actually cook all that much, partially because we often don’t have ingredients because of the aforementioned lack of funds, and partially because cooking takes time and effort that, frankly, we don’t really have either. Again, college students.

I know that I could make better choices in a lot of places, and in some cases that could actually help out in the funds department (not buying cookies, etc). But this isn’t a blog about workout or nutrition advice. No, this is about me and my big, bodacious body.

Like I said before, I have been big my whole life. I’ve had stretch marks seared into my legs since I was ten, and they’ve never really gone away. I know that no matter how fit I get, I’ll always be on the solid (hobbit) side, and I know that my hips will always stick out and get in the way. I also know that I need to come to terms with those things about my genetics, and to some point, I have. Curvy and I have started to come to an agreement.

But you know something else? Just once, just for a day, I’d love to know what it feels like to be thin.