You know what’s a bizarre experience? Talking to someone who you had a massive crush on for a long period of time and realizing that you were so wrong. So, so wrong. Realizing that they are totally wrong for you and you’re glad it never came to anything. But you know what’s even more bizarre? Not realizing that.
Cuz, see, that happens to me a lot. I know something for an absolute fact, like, this:
Fact- Dylan is a crap friend.
But instead of accepting that fact as truth, I decide to be the pragmatist. I decide that it’s only true some of the time. And then do you know what happens? I suffer. A lot.
Because see, it’s not about me. It’s not even about them. We all know who we are, but what counts is living with what we know instead of running away from it.
For years I hated myself for the pragmatism. I hated myself for forgiving people who would never treat me like a human being. I hated myself for pining away for people that would never love me. And most of all, I hated myself for loving, and never stopping.
That’s why I have so many problems. So many reasons to have panic attacks and to have weeks where I cry myself to sleep every night. Because in loving everyone so much, I hate myself. And then do you know what I do? I punish myself. I make my body rally up against me. Sadness isn’t purely emotional. It can permeate physiologically, and trust me, I would know.
Isn’t that sick? My body knew it was rallying against an emotion, a sense of being that wasn’t bad, so to justify its actions, it joined forces with my brain. And then they staged a full mutiny, turning me into the angry, cynical creature you know.
I don’t want to be this any more. I love sarcasm as much as the next gal, but sarcasm doesn’t have to stem from anger or sadness. It can also stem from humor, amusement. Happiness, even. Sarcasm isn’t a vehicle for angst, it’s just that sometimes angst likes to use it.
Why should I hate myself for loving so much? For wanting to believe that people are good? I shoudn’t. Because when you give up hope on the people around you, and then in turn give up on yourself, you know what you get? Gay teen suicide. Myspace bullying. Skyrocketing depression rates. Is this the world we want to live in?
I’m so tired and sick of hating myself and everyone around me. I’m not saying that I love anyone, and I’m most certainly not saying I forgive anyone. Because some things you can’t forgive. Zach, remember when I told you, all the way back in 7th grade, that you had at least 7 years of being nice to me before I’d consider accepting your apologies for essentially poisoning my childhood with low self esteem and doubt? Apparently, I’d miscalculated. You can apologize for a thousand lifetimes and I will never, ever let you slide for what you’ve turned me into.
But at the same time, you are trying. You admitted you were wrong. It didn’t change the fact that I’ll live with the repercussions of your words for the rest of my life, but it did make me understand something. Something that I’ve been watching for a while and something Doctor Who put into words.
In my life, some people have added more bad things than good to my piles. But that doesn’t make them inherently bad. I know for an absolute fact that Zach, along with Dylan and Sean and all the other people who have ever been horrible to me have made positive contributions. It’s awful and upsetting that those contributions seem to have mostly glazed over me, but that doesn’t make them any less important.
Dylan tore me apart even when he knew I was vulnerable, but he is not a bad person. He just wasn’t meant to be in my life for long.
Sean broke my heart, then tried to heal it, then broke it again, but he will mean the world to some girl, someday. We were entirely wrong for one another. I’ve always known that. I just didn’t want to accept it, because there will always be a part of me that believes no one will ever love me romantically once they see the ugliness within me.
But that isn’t how the world works, is it? I’ve seen meaner and more vindictive people enter into long term relationships. And I’ve also seen them crash and burn. I’m not special. I’m human. And guess what? So are you. We need to stop trying to define ourselves by our overriding natures, because in the end, we’re all just worm food. Maybe you believe in a heaven, and maybe you believe in a hell. I’m not saying you’re right or wrong, I’m just saying, all we know for sure is that we have been given an opportunity. Whether it was designed that way or whether it was just a freak chance doesn’t really make a difference right now.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life angry and afraid. I don’t want to spend it hating myself. So my parents got a divorce. Big deal. Lots of people’s parents get divorced. Doesn’t make it suck less, but it also doesn’t make it suck worse. It just sucks, and I have to accept that it’s my reality now.
Does that mean I forgive? No. But believe me. I’m trying. And I’m getting there.
