Last night, after hanging out at a friend’s house with a couple people playing ping pong and watching Food Network, I took my favorite Anakin Skywalker towel up to our second floor porch and lay on my back. It was a lightly stormy night, with enough clouds to facilitate the sporadic strikes of lighting but to also still see the stars. I found the Big Dipper and Casseopia, my favorite constellation by far. It was 83 degrees, if the sign on my way home was anything to go by, but the wind made it feel much cooler.
It wasn’t like I was looking for anything; inspiration or otherwise. I’d been looking for inspiration the day before, when I went to the park by myself to hit a volleyball back and forth in the big, empty soccer fields. No, last night I was just staying put, looking at the blinking, winking stars and letting the wind caress my bare feet.
It had been a good day, but this was the perfect ending. Alone. Some people may think that sounds sad, or even mean, but it’s not. It never has been.
Anyone who has ever taken an overnight trip with me can probably attest to the fact that I like being alone. I love my friends and my family, but I can’t mentally handle so much “togetherness”. Car rides are the worst; even though everyone else is always hyped up and ready to hang out once reaching the hotel or destination, I just want to sleep. Because when I’m sleeping, or at least pretending to sleep, I can get a little alone time.
A lot of times, this makes people think that either I don’t like them or I’m just a humongous bitch. While that may be true in some cases, most of the time it’s not. I just want to be alone. Why is that so bad?
I think our society puts too much necessity into other people. If you’re eating alone or going to a bookstore alone, you’re seen as either lonely or strange. If you don’t like after parties and most sleep overs, you’re seen as an outcast, or someone who doesn’t like other people enough. And I think that these are the real sadness.
If you can’t function without other people, that’s unfortunate. If you always need someone to be with you no matter where you go, I feel sorry for you. If being alone makes your feel jittery or anxious, then that’s a problem. As great as people are, you should never underestimate the beauty that is being by yourself.
I think I’m one of those extreme cases, though, as it always is with me. Maybe it’s because I’m a writer, but most of the time, I prefer to be alone. I’m very rarely lonely, because I have all the stories in my head to keep me company. I have the characters and the plots of my books to keep me engaged. I honestly don’t need other people in order to be happy, or entertained.
This has, admittedly, led to some problems. Sometimes I’ll make up excuses in advance in order to get out of doing things. It’s not that I don’t like the people I’m making excuses to, it’s just that being around people, especially a lot of people, makes me a little nervous. Maybe I’ve gotten used to it lately, but there’s still the prevailing problem that I’m constantly avoiding commitments and plans because I’d rather continue my daydream where I meet Liam Aiken at VidCon and it turns out he’s a spy who needs my help taking down various criminals.
And this, in turn, has led to more problems. People talking behind my back when I turn down an invitation. People grumbling that I don’t do enough, that I don’t get out enough. And they wonder why I don’t want to be around people.
People have let me down my whole life. I was the kid who thought the best of everyone. I tried to befriend Zach, my biggest childhood bully, on several occasions. But life has hardened me since then. Dylan. Sean. People I thought I could trust turning against me. The rest of you should know who you are, because I’m not going to list any other specific names.
After all that people have done to me, why would I want to leave the house at all? Well, that’s easy. Because not everyone is like that. Not everyone will go out of their way to make me feel insecure because my brain works differently. Not everyone will try to destroy what little self esteem I’ve managed to cling to so that they feel better about themselves. That’s something I need to learn.
But I’ll always love being alone. When I’m alone, I don’t have to put on a show. I don’t have to smile and pretend that the things people call me don’t hurt. I don’t have to laugh at jokes and insults that aren’t funny or OK. I don’t have to decline mentioning that I love the Twilight series and that I think Chasing Liberty and She’s The Man are two of the greatest movies I’ve ever seen. Only when I’m alone can I be myself.
Although, now that I think about it, maybe it doesn’t always have to be like that. Because lately, I’ve been noticing the people who really do matter to me, and who I actually matter to in return.
Rachel. I’ll never have to pretend around her, because she gets me more than probably anyone else. I can always count on her.
Craig. He’s always available to take my calls, whether they come in tears from Kansas City or in laughter from two houses down. He can cheer me up almost instantly.
Bart. Even though he doesn’t like to admit it outright, he really cares about me. He knows I’m more fragile than I like to let on, and he knows how to make me feel safe.
Chad. Maybe I don’t tell Chad all my secrets and maybe he doesn’t tell me all of his. But he is one of the truly genuine people I’ve ever met, and hanging out with him, as I’ve done several times this summer, is always relaxing. I don’t have to be anything around Chad. I can just be me.
Betsy. She is a lovely girl and a lovely friend. She has so much unconditional love that I’m sometimes ashamed that I’ll never be as good or as kind as her.
Jaron. One of the few people to recognize my silent pleas for being alone and respecting that I have boundaries. I’m so grateful to have him on my side of the court.
Matt. He is one of the most loyal of my website readers, and I’ll admit it, being appreciated and having your hard work appreciated is nice sometimes. I don’t get validated by people other than my family a lot.
But do you know what I love best about all these wonderful people? They let me be. They know that sometimes I’m not in the mood to hang out. They know that sometimes I’ll be happiest alone in my room, rereading Harry Potter or the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. They understand that I have quirks that may be a bit annoying or grating, but they accept that I am who I am. And they don’t judge me for this. They accept me because I am me, and I will never -I can never- be anything else.
Last night, I lay on my back staring at the stars. I thought about passing notes with Shawn in astronomy, and throwing stuff in Jenaer’s hair. I thought about Sam tricking me into thinking he couldn’t see colors, just shades of gray. And I thought about all the people who I wouldn’t mind sharing that moment of solitude with. And I thought about how, more than anything, before I leave for college in 50 or so days, I want to say thank you.
I totally know what you’re talking about…I do the same thing.
I love you 🙂 You are awesome. I’m not quite sure what else to say…anything following this will be kinda hard… 🙂
<3 thanks Betsy!
did you know that in college you most likely will NEVER BE ALONE!!!!!
Anonymous: I doubt that. I am VERY good at being alone.
I agree with Betsy. I know exactly where you are coming from on being alone. When I was younger even though I had two sisters that always wanted to do something with me I preferred to spend my time alone with my toys or a book. Though I have become a lot more social then I still believe that the moments that you can enjoy by yourself are some of the best. You talked about being able to be yourself when you are alone and I think that is exactly right. In those moments you don’t have to worry about what other people think of you or about who (in essence) other people are (friend or foe, flighty or calm). There is a freedom in that. So in short your blog is as poignant and relevant as ever. Thank you for providing something meaningful that we can relate to.