Finally home from Spain! When iMovie decides to let me export, I’ll upload the next in my travel vlog series, but for now, I want to talk about exactly what this post is titled- being a young woman in a crowd, OR, more accurately, how I got sexually harassed while in Spain and why I no longer trust the majority of the male population because traumatic experiences make me paranoid.
That’s quite the bomb I just dropped there, isn’t it? Sorry about that. Let’s talk context for a second: while I was in Barcelona, my classmates and I got to observe a Catalan festival where they performed castells, or human towers. You can read a more in-depth blog about that here. Tl;dr? It was really freaking impressive.
Because I am hobbit-sized, I had to maneuver my way to the front of the crowds to get decent pictures/footage of this feat of humanity, so I was pretty pressed-up against the people in front of me. After a while, I felt someone behind me, but I figured it was just someone pulling the same trick as I was to get a better view. Unfortunately, this was not the case. The picture to the right is of the man who was essentially spooning me while standing, all without my permission, for the record. This creep was basically on top of me, just standing there, copping a good feel. It probably would have taken me another minute to fully process the situation and wiggle away, but luckily my friend Kelly is trained in every kind of self-defense and martial arts ever and saw what was going on. She marches over, shoulder checks the guy, and says to me that the rest of our little group had found “a better place to take pictures.”
He sauntered back to our area of the crowd about half an hour later, which is when I took the included picture, and for the rest of the event we kept our eyes on the rest of the women in our group, ready to pull them away at the first sign of trouble. Luckily, he didn’t seem to find anyone he liked near us (other than me) for the rest of the time.
After this incident, I’ve gotta be honest, I’m shaken. I’m no supermodel, but I’m a reasonably good-looking young woman, and that inherently makes me a target in almost every possible sexual-harassment scenario. It also means that I am in serious danger every time I am alone, whether that’s in a crowd or in a dark alleyway.
Did you know that at least 1 in 4 college women will be the victim of a sexual assault during her academic career? Sexual assault can be anything from rape to unwanted sexual advances, like the one I experienced in Spain. Granted, my situation was mild by all standards, but it still woke me up to the horrible possibilities I’d never really considered before.
After leaving Spain, I had a 23 hour layover in Frankfurt, where I was entirely alone in a country whose language just looks like random letters to me. It had only been a few days since the castells, and so every man I passed I avoided eye contact with and tried to look confident in my wandering so they wouldn’t take advantage of how profoundly lost I was. When asking for directions, I went blocks out of my way to find a woman for my queries.
Listen- I’ve always been a tomboy. I’ve always had more male friends than female, and I’ve always felt more comfortable around said male friends because I’ve always seemed to have more in common with them. I seek out males over females in my various activities, my Facebook friends are 57% male, and when I went to VidCon back in 2010, all but 1 of the YouTubers I took photos with were men.
But now? Now the cognitive dissonance between my past and my recent sexual harassment is almost too much for me. I’m not saying I’m going to stop hanging out with all my bro friends. I’m just saying that… well, I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying because I don’t quite know how to reconcile this trauma with myself. I don’t want to distrust men simply because some of them suck- that’s one of the things I fight against with “traditional” feminists all the time. But at the same time, I don’t want to be so trusting that I let my guard down too much and end up getting sexually assaulted. You know, again. In a worse way.
Going into this post I expected to have some profound revelation about feminism and being a woman, but all I really feel is scared. And people wonder why I used to want to be a boy.
Sorry, Bri! Slimeballs aren’t everywhere, so don’t stop exploring! Although you always want to walk with confidence/purpose anywhere, don’t be afraid to make eye contact. Sometimes a good stare down (with a look of death…aka angry jco face) makes it very clear they are to move along. (Or just go with sunglasses if you can.) In a crowd, don’t be afraid to literally step on toes if you need to clear some space. (And when in doubt, a good buddy to “shoulder check” is a good system to have!)
It’s unfair that men don’t really have to worry about being accosted when they travel. Most travel safety tips for women talk about wearing rings to make it look like you’re married (and the hubs is close by…or fake it with a friend). But women who continually travel can inspire others-friends, family, nieces/nephews, etc-especially those who think the world is too dangerous to visit. Yes, bad things happen; but plenty of good things happen while traveling, too. Like your juice bar.
Remember that most of your guy friends (and girl friends) would drop kick that guy in the face after kicking him in the shins. Heck, guys in the crowd would probably do the same. So while things might feel intensely personal (shame/fear/etc) for a while, (and thinking you should have acted differently/realized it sooner/etc), don’t stop engaging with those around you.
Travel is all about connection, and to make connections, we have to be vulnerable and have a willingness to be open. It’s not exactly a comfortable feeling, and the last thing your guarded self wants to think about right now. Just don’t let it get in the way of you and what you want to do!
Thanks, JCo 🙂 I’m not looking to stop traveling anytime soon, but still, things can get a little hairy. Thanks for the comment, though, this is fantastic. EVERYONE SHOULD READ THIS COMMENT! (not mine. JCo’s)
Thank you JCo! Great insite and agree with Bri that EVERYONE should read and heed….including the author.
Don’t let the pervert be the winner! By isolating yourself from the rest of the world you love to explore, not an option for a great young woman entering the world of opportunities available to you and your friends. Keep on keeping on, you’re a winner! We love you, Grandma Vi and her sister, your Aunt Ruby!