Princess LIAR

Since about the beginning of this month I’ve become inexplicably re-obsessed with princess movies. Specifically, Disney princess movies. (Also The Swan Princess, since I don’t think she’s technically Disney). So in this past month, I’ve watched Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, The Swan Princess, and The Little Mermaid. And after careful consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that none of them are actually in love with their princes.

I have below rated all the stories on a scale of “most potential for real love” to “least potential for real love” and explained each in full.

Most: Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Belle must take her father’s place in the castle of the cruel, cursed prince, and through several musical montages she discovers a soft side to the Beast and falls for him. The reason she is most likely to actually be in love is because she fell in love with him even before he was pretty again and went through genuine experiences with him to suggest that he’s a good person. They at least got to know each other before marriage and happily ever after came into the picture.

Less: Ariel from The Little Mermaid. After giving up her voice to Ursula and being discovered on the beach by Eric and the slobbery dog, she spends three nice days with the prince going on rides around town and generally just hanging out. The amount of time they spent with each other suggests that there was more than just physical attraction, though there is certainly a lot of that.

Even Less: Cinderella from Cinderella. Upon reaching the ball and being immediately asked to dance with the Prince, there is a musical montage of them dancing and walking around and holding hands, and it would be a little weird if they spent that entire time not saying a word to each other. That means that at least some sort of conversation went down, thus aiding to their falling in love. It should be noted that Cinderella, although third on this list, should be regarded significantly further down for actual love potential. That goes for the rest of the list as well.

Even less: Odette from the Swan Princess. After a childhood of hating each other, Odette and Derek are introduced once again as adults and immediately (and inexplicably) fall for each other. Odette asks Derek what he loves about her past her newfound beauty, and he replies “What else is there?” like the idiot boy he is. Then Odette is turned into a swan and kidnapped and Derek has to find her. The only reason Odette is rated this highly on potential for falling in love is that she may have developed feelings for Derek as children as they have had quite a history with one another, and it stands to reason they can’t have hated each other completely that entire time. Still, though, the story doesn’t actually resolve the issue that Derek only likes Odette for her looks. He never offers another trait of hers, but apparently breaking the swan spell is enough for Odette? Or maybe she still has a bird brain.

Lesser still: Aurora from Sleeping Beauty. The only time the prince and princess meet before the prince has to rescue her from a cursed sleep is in the woods on her sixteenth birthday where they sing together and then part ways. Singing together ONCE with a STRANGER does not constitute as having genuine feelings for each other. Let’s be honest, there couldn’t have possibly been more than physical attraction after ONE song. Also, can I just say something? Why do the good fairies only give her beauty and song? Wouldn’t wit or intelligence be of more use? Ok, I get beauty, since she’s a princess and all. But song is kinda useless in the long run.

Least: Snow White from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. The only time the prince and Snow White meet is a thirty second song in which Snow White spends most of her time running away because there is a strange man in her yard and the prince spends most of his time looking very feminine. Then we don’t hear from him until the very last scene, where his first urge upon seeing a dead princess is to kiss her. She may be the fairest, but definitely not the sharpest.

With all that in mind, I’ve decided to try and write my own version of a princess story, and while it will have a generic happy ending, I will force the characters to come to terms with the fact that falling in love, in genuine love, is hard. More to come if I ever get past five pages.