Social Cheat Sheet

I’m kind of agoraphobic. I sometimes have “a morbid fear of wide open spaces, crowds, or uncontrolled social conditions.” Mostly the uncontrolled social conditions, though. I’m really paranoid about peoples motives when they talk to me, especially when their greetings (greetings being what happens when you pass this person on your way to somewhere else, when you don’t specifically seek them out) seem out of context with how close we are. I have a theory about this, and when I told Ellen about it she told me that it was the “saddest thing she’d ever heard.” But there has to be one person out there who is as socially suspicious as I am.

So this is my social cheat sheet regarding the relationship between appropriate greetings and the relative relationship with the greeter. The relationship with the greeter will be in bold, and the appropriate greeting will be in regular text. Then, at the end, I’ll tell you how I feel about people who ignore this.

Stranger– If you must make eye contact, make it short. Facial expressions need not change. The most appropriate form of greeting, however, is to pretend to text or look for something in your bag in order to avoid eye contact at all costs.

Have a class together– The above Stranger greeting is still acceptable, but a smile/grimace or a small nod is also appropriate.

Have a class or extracurricular and have spoken more than once during said class or extracurricular– A small but friendly smile. Again, the Stranger greeting is still acceptable, but it might be harder to pull off. Above all else, though, NO SPEAKING. YOU DO NOT KNOW THIS PERSON WELL ENOUGH FOR A “HI” AS YOU PASS.

Have a friend in common and have hung out in the same space at least once– A small but friendly smile or a short “hi”. This is the point of no return, meaning that it’s no longer appropriate to pretend to text. I mean, you can still try, but it will probably fail.

Have had multiple short, if uninvolved, conversations- A slightly larger smile and a full “hey”. Depending on how much you like this person, you may find it appropriate to add a “how’re you?” However, this is risky, as you aren’t really friends yet and it’s unsure of whether they’re ready for this kind of relationship.

Live nearby or next to person and have had conversation because you share a personal geography- A smile size of your choice, but no further niceties are required as you will most like have a conversation with them later because you live nearby. However, if this greeting occurs in one of these shared areas, such as a community bathroom or the laundry room, a “how’re you?” is entirely appropriate and recommended.

Friend that you only see when you’re around other people and never really hang out with one-on-one– Same as the Multiple if uninvolved conversations. A slightly larger smile and a full “hey”. Depending on how much you like this person, you may find it appropriate to add a “how’re you?”

Relatively new friend– A smile and hello, plus an open mind about potentially stopping your forward momentum for a short conversation. You’re friends, but you’re new friends, so don’t expect to or expect them to stop for long, but just know it’s a possibility. Don’t be too freaked out. This is natural.

Friend– No tricks here, greet them however you like, but make sure you do greet them. If you pull a Stranger on them, you either aren’t very good friends or you won’t be for much longer.

Friend you haven’t seen in a while– If the greeting is a surprise, an “oh my gosh!” and a hug is acceptable. A small conversation is also a good idea, although if you’re in a hurry don’t worry about being rude if you have to cut it short.

I think that about wraps it up.

Ok. So here’s the thing I have beef with: When people don’t follow these rules. I think these rules are legitimate and fair. I don’t think I’m taking any liberties, and I don’t think I’m letting too much of my own social anxiety override it. But when you greet someone in a way that’s above the appropriate level, for example, a person you live near but have never talked to starts telling you “good morning!” before you’ve even brushed your teeth, I freak out.

It’s these social anxieties that I explored a little in my short story Flummoxed. I know it makes me a little crazy to be thinking so specifically about these sort of issues, but come on. I think I have a little right to get suspicious when people ignore their relationship level with a person when they greet people. Does anyone else know what I mean??