Posted in Various Ramblings

Various Ramblings Numba Eight

I'm finally out of the asylum!

And all better!

Or are you?

I am! I really am! And nothing you can say will make me insane!

What about...

Don't!

I am the…

No! Please! I have to be on my best behavior!

FEAR ME. I AM THE…

Stop! Don't do it!

STOP INTERRUPTING ME!

Ooooh…somebody's angry

*breaths deeply* I'm under control. Now, why was I mad again?

BEcause I would let you say… oh crap.

Oh crap? Why can't I say that?

Maybe I'm not the ONLY insane person…

Well, technically, we're the same person.

*twitch*

What the…? Oh- I remember now!

*twitch* remember what?

Well… hey! Where did all the spoons go?

*twitchtwitch* I don't know. Nooooo idea here.

Bri.

*twitch* I SAID I DIDN'T KNOW.

*rolls eyes* I thought we got through this spoon collecting stage…

I HAVE A PROBLEM, OK?

Oooh…touchy touchy… maybe you'll be nicer to the… PHANTOM OF PAPERCLIPS!

NOOOO!!!!!! *throws spoons hidden in various places into the air*

I DEMAND ALL THE SPOONS BACK!

*Scurrying around to get the spoons* Never! I'll never let you have them! NEVER I TELL YOU!

ANSWER TO THE PHANTOM OF PAPERCLIPS!! B.O.W. TO ME AS I DRINK THIS REFRESHING COCA COLA! NOW IN DIET AND VANILLA!

NEVER!!!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!! *TWITCH*

*Bri now continues to stuff the spoons into her clothes; in her pockets, socks, shoes, tuxedo jacket*

GIVE ME THE SPOONS OR I SHALL SMITE THEE WITH THIS *NEW* REMIXED CD OF OLDIES SING BY NEWBIES!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Note from Author's Doctor: During our daily check-up with Bri in her cardboard box, we found her wih millions of spoons strewn around it and in her clothes, jumping up and down hysterically, name-dropping, and twitching uncontrollably. Also, we found her with the tuxedo top that was stolen out of Antonio BAnderas' closet just last week. We are sad to announce that Bri has to go back to the intensive care ward before we can release her into the *wild* again. Please send her your well wishes.

Posted in Bri

My love test results

From Caboose Online, I enjoyed ( or not) the love calculater very much. And now you will see how incredibly lame I am.

 

Bri with Liam aiken= 28%

AN OUTRAGE!

Bri with Jacob Kraemer- 46.5%

That's better, I guess 

Bri with Benjamin Franklin- 24.5%

HAHAHA

Bri with Logan- 47.5%

Score!

Bri with Jake Abel- 38.5%

Dangit

Bri with Rollo Weeks- 77.5%

YES!!!!

Bri with Scorch Admin (lol)- 27%

hahahaha

And Finally…

Bri with Guy I've Never Met- 94 honking %!!!

 

Well, I suppose that concludes my "soul mat search"

I'm going to end up with someone named "Guy I've Never Met"

Great.

Bri

 

Posted in Blog

6-11-06 DC OVERVIEW

Day 1:

Got to Redlands at 7:30, checked bags, got name tag, black visor, and interery.

Boarded bus at approx. 8:30.

Ate lunch in Silverthorn at subway. With teachers. I’m such a loser I sat with the teachers. Apparently they don’t mind that I have loser-itus. Or maybe it was the fact that I was sitting in the booth alone and that was against the rules. Oh well.

Then we got on the bus again and finished our ride to the Denver International Airport. We then stood around for about an hour, then checked our bags, then stood around for ANOTHER hour and a half near the terminal. I stayed near the “chaperones” and read a book that I started on the bus. Skeleton Key by Anthony Horwitz. It’s the third Alex Rider book. I love those books. There’s a movie coming out about them. The guy that plays Alex is hot.

But anyway, we got to chose who we sat with on the plane, so we were supposed to get into groups of 3.(the plane had three seats on either side of the isle) Stephani and Cody V(who were, at the time, dating) asked me to sit with them. I said ok, like I had anyone else to sit with. I was on the isle, but that was good cuz I could talk to other people(not that thare was anyone to talk to, but whatever). Went through heavy turbulance in Missouri as we were eating ‘dinner'(‘pizza sticks’ and cold gross marinara sauce). Stephani was on her first ever flight, so she was scared out of her mind.

Finally, at about 10 or 11 pm, we made it to DC. Our bus driver, Tyrone(or big Ty, or ty baby, or downtown tyrone brown), who drove us around all week, picked us up and drove us to the Comfort Inn. With my over-whelming luck, I shared a room with stehpani, lilliam, sam, and brooke.(*shudder*) We had a pretty big room, there were two big beds and one cot. Cot. Heh heh. That was mine. Then we had pizza for another ‘dinner’ and pop. giving pop to four girls that are already hyper is not good. They all took thirty-minute showers and then I couldn’t get them to shut up and go to bed until about 2:30 in the morning.Yell That about concludes Day 1.

Day 2:

Got up at five thirty. After sleeping for about an hour. They all got up and then took another shower, then dried their hair (all four of them), straitened it, and spent an hour putting on their make-up. It was insane.

Then at six thirty we ate breakfast. Note to self: never eat Comfort Inn’s eggs. *shudder*. I could hear my roommates telling the boys about how I was throwing a *b*fit last night because they wouldn’t go to sleep. But it’s funny, on the bus after breakfast to our first destinations, I heard EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM complaining on how tired they were. Go figure, eh?

Anyway, I met a girl from Redlands, Calloway, so I hung out with her. Our first stop was the Vietnam memorial. It was really pretty, and really sad. Then we walked to the Lincoln memorial, which was incredible. He was HUGE.

Then we we went to Arlington National Cemetery. It was incredible, how far it stretched. It was also even sadder than the Vietnam memorial. We walked around for a while, just looking at all the gravestones. We saw JFK’s grave, and his wive’s and his brother’s. Then Mr. Mages (The lead guy, a teacher from Redlands), took the four kids (including me) that were going to lay the wreath on the tomb of the unknown soldiers to get changed into our nice clothes. I wore that beige skirt and brown tank top I wore to bon voyage, plus a jacket-like thing that matched the skirt and looked professional.

Then we went to where they were just starting the changing of the guards in front of the tomb. We waited for about twenty minutes, then a soldier came up to us four and told us what we had to do. The two kids from redlands were in front, and me and Cody were in the back. We then walked down some stairs, with me concentrating very hard not to step on the girl’s skirt in front of me. Then at the bottom we stopped and the two kids in front accepted the wreath and placed it on the tripod. Me and Cody just kind of stood there and watched. Then someone played taps on the trumpet and we walked back up.

That was it. Then we went to Buger King for lunch. Since World Strides was paying for usMoney mouth, we could get as much as we wanted. I sat with Craig, Cody, Taylor, Greg, and Stephani. Craig had three double cheeseburgers, two large fries, and two large drinks. It was so gross. But he ate it all, and then some. After that we went on the subway to the Smithsonian American history and natural history complexes. They were pretty cool. I got a sweet republican tie there, and wore it for the rest of the day.

After that we went back to the bus and went to a Chinese place for dinner. It was ok…and I was kind of hyper so I was doing these weird things with my empty pop can and chopsticks. Nothing gross, just kind of random. Then we went to the World War II memorial at about 6 or 7. That was one of my favorite places. It was so pretty, with the sun going down and the fountains. Then we went back to the hotel and my roommates once again took forever to shower. But they settled down by about 11:30, thankfully.

Day 3:

I realized that redlands guys are so much hotter than fruita guys. It’s not fair. But hey- I’m going to high-school with them! YAY! Anyways, the next day we had to get up even earlier, since we hit some major traffic the day before. At breakfast I could stil hear my roomates gossiping on how much of a *b* I was. That was fun.Undecided

We went to a building for a tour of the capitol, but they had forgotten us or something, because we had to go through a ton of security for nothing. We also went to the Library of Congress, but the line was really long so we didn’t go inside. Then we got our group picture early in front of the Capitol building, and greg wouldn’t stop pushing me into the kid next to me. I also found out I was the fourth shortest on the trip. That was heartening.

Then we went back to that building and finally got our tour of the capitol. We got there via this underground tunnel thing that connects a lot of the office buildings and supremes court places. The tour was really cool, the paintings were incredible. It was also really big. The tour guide was talking to me for a little while, I think she felt sorry for me because I walking alone. Great. Now I had the teachers and a tour guide feeling sorry for me. Just great.Embarassed

Then we went to Union station for lunch. That was pretty good, I had pasta. I couldn’t see anyone I knew, and I doubted I could sit with them,� so I sat at a table near where the teachers and parents were. Could I BE any more of a loser? Then I trailed behind a few of the guys so I wouldn’t be alone. We went back upstairs and I got a coffee and the guys ditched me, so I drank my coffee next to Mrs. Fisher, taylor’s mom. My list of people feeling sorry for me was getting pretty long. Dang it all.

After lunch, we went to one of the Smithsonian air and space museums. I followed Craig and Greg around mostly, which was entertaining, because every time we saw a missle or a gun they ran over to it and drooled all over the display glass. Just kidding about the drooling part, but they were getting close. We went to the gift shop, and Craig wanted one of those orange jump-suit things that look like the ones that astronaughts wear, so he asked the cashier if they had adult sizes. They didn’t.

After that we went to dinner at Medieval Times. It was so cool. There was a huge arena thing in the middle, with stadium seats surrounding it. there were six sections of the stadium, blue (that was us), yellow, red and yellow, black and white, green, and red. Each section had a knight, (ex. blue knight, yellow knight, etc.), and there was this sort of play thing. There was a king, a princess, a traitor, knights(duh), and other people. The food was kind of gross, but you mostly ignored that and watched the show. They were having a tournament, so the knights would square off and stuff. When they were just walking or riding around (they even had real horses), the knights would throw flowers into the crowd(their section). The blue knight looked at me, kissed the flower, and threw it to me. That was the highlight of my trip.Laughing Then we went back to the hotel, and most people went swimming, but I stayed in my room and finished my book and started another one. That night people kept calling us and hanging up, so I was not happy.

Day 4:

We had to get up early again, which sucked. I had taken a shower the night before, so I was good and fresh at least. We waited in line for Fords Theatre for about an hour, but it was worth it. We got to see where Lincon was shot, the bloody pillow he died on, and the dude that killed him. It was all pretty powerful.

Then we went to the Hard Rock Cafe gift shop, looked around there, then got to shop near where it was. I got some stuff for my brother. Then we went to lunch at this Trade Center thing, and I hung out with Taylor and Cody.

We went to the Halocaust Museum after that. It was very disturbing, not being sarcastic. It was hard not to cry.Cry These people were so…so sick. That’s all I can say about it. Then we went to the National Museum of Health and Medicine. That was sick too, but in a different way. Somewhere in there we went too the White house to take pictures through the fence. I don’t remember when we went…

Then we went to Armands(a pizza place) for dinner. I met Logan there. He’s so hot it isn’t fair. I ate dinner with him, cody, taylor, greg, and andother kid from redlands. He took Sam’s drink when she left for the bathroom ,and put peppers and parmesean in it. The moms caught him, so he couldn’t give it back to her. It sat there for a while, then he said he would drink it for a buck. So I took him up on that. He chugged it, and it was disgusting, and I paid him a dollar. He spent a lot of time in the tour bus’s bathroom afterwards…

Then we went to FDR’s memorial. A bunch of girls came over to Greg and Logan and took their pictures, because they thought they were “totally hot”. Then they both flirted with them for a while. It was so funny. Me and Craig just kind of stood there and laughed our heads off. That night Stephani was on the phone with the boys for about thirty minutes and broke up with Cody and let me tell you, she does NOT have a very quiet voice.

Day 5:

Got up at five thirty, cuz it was our last day and we had to pack everything up and get our room inspected. My stuff was all packed, but my roomates crap was spread all over the floor. And the sink. And the tables. And under the beds. Tee hee. Sucks for them. But they finally got it.

Once again they were gossiping about me flipping out when they wouldn’t get off the phone. I was really starting to hate them…

After that we took the bus too the dock on the Potomac to take a boat to Mount Vernon.(George Washington’s home). On the boat I stuck with craig, greg, cody, taylor, and later, logan. Once again, Logan and Greg found girls to flirt with, and got their pics taken… but this time they also got email adresses. then the girls were all over taylor and cody, who also got emails. That was also extremely funny. The girls were kind of rude though.

At Mount Vernon, we toured the whole place, but when we got to the mansion, there was a half-mile long line. So we didn’t tour that, we just left. Then we went to lunch at some place that had burgers and really good brownies. It was pretty good, and I sat with the guys again. Ooooh…and also, Logan sat with me on the bus away from mount vernon, to lunch, and to the next two destinations. Cuz I was near the people he wanted to talk to, and I was the only person not sitting with anyone, but still…I was flattered. He asked me to hold his drink twice.

Next stop was the National Archives, where I saw the declaration and the constitution. Then we went to the Zoo and saw pandas, which were erally far away, giraffes, which were way far away, and elaphants, which were way far away. And that took a grand total of *drumroll* FIFTEEN MINUTES.

Then we went to the airport. On the flight I ended up between two boys from Redlands, but they were both pretty cool. I bought an in-flight movie, Eght Below, which was pretty good. Then I tried to sleep, which didn’t work, so I talked to the kid next to me. When we got to Denver, everyone was pretty much fed up with each other, Greg was cussing everyone out, and the bus wasn’t there yet.

Finally, it got there, and we drove to the nearest Taco Bell, where we stayed for 1 and a half hours, because they messed up our orders. Then we got back on the bus and started home. Cody came back and sat with me because his seat didn’t recline. When we got home, it was three thirty in the morning and we were all asleep, but we were home. Finally.

And that is Bri’s DC Adventure.

*applause*

Posted in Various Ramblings

Various Ramblings numba seven

I think I'll do away with the numbers now. Guess why???

I'm not insane anymore!!!

 

FSHZZZZZZZ

 

And now it's time for…

 

COOKING WITH BRI!!

Alright, ladies and gents. It's time again for BUTCHERING EXPENSIVE INGREDIENTS INTO INEDIBLE MUCK WITH BRI!!!

 

That's right. So, this week we'll be…

 

FSHZZZZZ

And the weather today is something I cannot predict, because I really don't know anything since I'm only the anchorwoman and I don't actually understand anything I'm saying. I just say it and pretend to be smart… 

 

FSHZZZZ

"Oh, Ronald, do you love me?"

"I'll love you until the cows come home!"

"Oh, Rona—"

MOOOOOO

"Bye!"

"Nooo!!!"

FSHZZZZ

Hey, waitaminute…

FSHZZZZZZ

Hey, no! Stop! I think…

FSHZZZZZ

No! I was getting better…I-

You are still insane. Don't give yourself up like this, Bri! You can't!

Yes, I can! I don't want to be insane! I don't get any respect!

But you get respect when you aren't?

Well, not really…

My point exactly.

Even though I'm talking to myself doesn't mean I'm insane! I'm just…lonely.

I can make you insane again…

No, you wouldn't.

Or would I?

No! No, please! I'll do almost anything, except things after my bedtime, which is 6:30. I need my rest…

I AM THE PHANTOM OF…PAPERCLIPS!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! YOU FIEND!!!!!! EVERYBODY, SWIM AWAY TO REMOTED TROPICAL ISLANDS, CARESS YOUR CLOSEST ORTHOPEDIC SURGEN, AND FOR CRIPES SAKE, DON'T WEAR WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY!!!!!!!

Ahh, it's good to be back..

ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT???

…Mebe, mebe no…

OH YEAH, WELL, I"LL KARATE CHOP YOU INTO A NAIL FILER!!! WHAT NOW, FOO?? AND, oh yes, there's more! I'LL SHOVE THIS BARBIE INTO MY MOUTH AND TRY TO PUL IT OUT THROUGH MY EARS!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

 

 

Note from author's doctor: *sigh* Once again we have taken Bri back to the ward, because we found her in her cardboard box with a bizarre case of barbies sticking half-way out of her ears. How they got their is beyond me, or any of our other doctors. She will be restored fully and back in her cardboard box as soon as we can manage it. *sigh* Undecided

Posted in Various Ramblings

Various Ramblings numba six

Instead of having Bri drive herself insane by talking to herself and trying to shove Barbies up various parts of her body, I though it would be interesting to follow Bri around the Asylum and write a play-by-play of what she does.

-Bri's doctor

 (I will be writing this in play form)

(Bri is handing out invitations)

Bri: Come to my party! BYOPB (Bring Your Own Phone Book)

(Why she is having a party is beyond me, reader, and that goes for the bringing your own phone book part too)

(Bri skips along the hallways, holding her new Bling-Bling Barbie)

Tom(a long-term patient): Is that you, Marge? I'm comin' to ya, honey! I'm a'comin', honeeeeeeeeey!

Bri: Oh, dear, sweet Frankfurt! Oh, Cometh to thee! Cometh! COMETH!!

Tom: I shall, my lovely Marge! I shall!

(At this point we drag Bri away before they grab hands and jump off the balcony together)

(Bri and I now enter another doctor's offive where she is tested and interviewed to monitor her progress) 

Giovani(The doctor): Hello, Bri. How are we today?

Bri: I feel a song comin' on! (Goes into an accapella version of "Who let the dogs out")

Giovani: Please don't. My ears are bleeding. 

Me: *Snickers*

Bri: *Sniff* Hey, ARE YOU CALLIG ME FAT??

Giovani: *sighs*  No, Bri. You have a lovely figure.

Bri: I would like to thank the academy…

Giovani: Yes, yes, that's very nice. Ok, I'm goning to show you a picture, and I want you to tell me what you see in it.

(Giovani holds up a card with a large ink stain on it. This is to monitor the creativity of the patient)

Bri: I see, a black hole. It's…it's…IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!(Bri takes a report off Giovani's desk and throws it in the air)

Giovani: Calm down. It's all right. And please don't do that. Here, gather the papers and take this…

Me: Don't say it, G.

Giovani(after glaring at me):…paperclip, and…

Bri: GAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! YOU SAID IT, YOU SAID THE CURSED WORD!!!! HEAD FOR THE MOON ON THE BACK OF A SLOTH, CARRESS YOU CLOSEST PHONE DIRECTORY, AND FOR CRIPES SAKE, DON'T GO TO THE BATHROOM WITHOUT A HALL PASS!!

Me: Told you not to say it.

Giovani: On the plus side, I haven't heard that end-of-the-world-rant before.

Me: Indeed. I think she should get marks for her creativity.

Bri: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT???

Giovani: No, I was simply saying that you…ah…need to tget lyposuction and a nose job before you come see me again.

Me: *Stuffs fist in mouth to keep from laughing*

Bri: Oh. Ok.

Giovani: Very well. You are done. Have a nice day.

(Me and Bri exit, and I follow her into the sitting room, where a group of insane color-crazed toddler terrorists are betting on a fashion show.)

Bri: Don't you just love Snogdays? Everything feels so…black and white.

Me: Uh, Bri? Snogday isn't a real day….and…

(Interrupted by the insane color-crazed toddler terrorists as they attack Bri)

Insane color-crazed toddler terrorist numba one: HOW DARE YOU SAY THE WORD BLACK-AND-WHITE IN OUR PRESSENCE??? HOW DARE YOU, COLOR-HATER??

Insane color-crazed toddler terrorist numba two: Goo.

Insane color-crazed toddler terrorist numba three: I say, old chap, is that green and orange jeans that she's wearing?

Insane color-crazed toddler terrorist numba one: Why, yes, yes it is. Dear me, please forgive us. We bow to you and your supirior fashion sense! ALL HAIL QUEEN OF COLOR!!!

Bri: I would like to thank the academy…Hey…ARE YOU CALLING ME A GOAT HUGGING, JESTER KISSING LUNATIC???

Insane color-crazed toddler terrorist numba four: No, but now that you mention it…

(Bri now attempts to shove her Bling-Bling Barbie up her behind while flailing around threateningly with a fire-poker)

She is now back in her intensive care ward in a large white room where whe is currently trying to wear a pair of Barbie high-heels and singing(badly) Stupid Girl by Pink.Wink This has been a day in the life of…

a lunatic

Hope you enjoyed it! 

Posted in Various Ramblings

Various Ramblings numba five

1. Me happy!

2. For no reason at all!

3. They aren't letting me out of the funny farm.

4. They seem to think I'm…insane

5. Crazy, huh?

6. Oh, you hear voices in you head and talk to yourself and shove barbies up your nose but yes, you are perfectly sane.

7. W-who's there?

8. *rolls eyes* Don't you remember? The Phantom of—

9. Ok! You can stop now! Lalalalalalala leave me alone!

10. Hows about…NO

11. *Sniviling* P-please…j-just l-leave.

12. *sigh* FINE. But I'll Be BAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

13. …

14. …

15. Well, got rid of her, eh?

16. *whispering* I don't think she sees me!

17. Aaaack! Not again! Stay away from me, O' Phantom of Paperclips!

18. *Twiddling thumbs* Say what?

19. YOU ARE THE PHANTOM OF…Oh dang it all to the bloddy oblivion, I said it, didn't I?

20. Yup.

21. AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! I SAID IT!!!! I SAID THE CURSED WORD!!!!! FORGIVE MEEEEEEE!!!!!

22. Once you pay for my ear opperation…man, I think you blew my ear nerve…

23. THIS IS NO TIME TO BE WORRYING ABOUT YOUR EAR NEVRE!!!!!! RUN!!! HEAD TO THE HILLS DOWN YONDER!!!!! KISS YOUR CLOSEST…

24. I think It's time for you to come up with some new things to do during the apocalypse.

25. Hmmmm…how's this? *Ahem* AAAAAAACCCCCKKKKK!!!!! I SAID THE CURSED WORD!!!!! TANGO WITH YOUR CLOSEST PHONE DIRECTORY, EAT YOUR DIRTY SOCKS, OGGLE AT YOUR GYM TEACHER, AND FOR CRIPES SAKE,  DON'T EAT THE FISH!!!!!!! Unless directed by a doctor, in which case I'm sure the fish will so you noharm.

26. …

27. Nice. But I prefer newspapers to phone directories…

28. ARE YOU CALLING ME A FAT GOAT RIDING JESTER????

29. …

30. OH YEAH? WELL, I'M GONNA STIR FRY MY FOOT AND THEN KARATE CHOP YOU INTO A NAIL FILER!!!! HOW ABOUT THAT, PUNK???? WHATCHA GONNA SAY TO THAT??????

31. Now, now, don't do anything rash… hey! ouch! that pan is hot! No! don't add the rice yet!! no! no!!!

 

 

Note from author's doctor: Due to an attempt to stir fry her foot (which wouldn't work out anyways, since she added the rice in too early), we have moved her to the advanced treatment ward. She is showing signs of improving, but her lack of intrest of anything other than phone directories has made recovery extremley difficult. She is now in a black cell chained to the wall singing a song about a donkey, a carrot, and a phone directory.

Posted in Blog

3-30-06

Duuuuuuude….I'm sick.  And there's CSAP today. This sucks. My throat hurts and I feel like I'm gonna throw up…

uh-oh…

hold on…

i think i'm gonna……….

 

 

 

Nope. nevermind. it passed. So, anyway, it's a great way to start a blog!! When I'm home sick with nothing better to do.

gee, I'm the most non-interesting person I've ever met

so, anyways, i just got done watching 'school of rock'.

i love that movie. I think one of my favorite scenes is when the principal walks into the room full of angry parents and says "I've just been informed that all your children are missing." That is awesome.

Well, not much to tell now, except I hope I get better. I hate missing school when there's something I have to make up. like CSAP. stupid CSAP.

WBEMASTER BRI!!!!!!

I need a new name…anyone got any ideas? comment or email me some new name ideas please!!! 

Posted in Books, Fiction

The Wives of Chad

           Me and my friend Rachel wrote these during two of the times she's slept over. We were really bored. Like I said, it's scary what happens when you're bored…

Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom, there was a completely atrocious princess named Zach. She was the ugliest thing for miles around. Her eyes were a muddy green color and her face looked like she ran into a wall and was dropped on her head too much as a baby. She was plump and liked to wear mini-skirts and was covered in large purple acne. Her favorite thing to do was look in mirrors and break them by staring. Her father was getting concerned that she would never have any suitors, so he kiddnapped some young men from a nearby village. The first was named Cody. When he layed eyes on the princess, he screamed and ran away. The second was named Hudson. He suddenly became violently ill and had to be taken home. The third was named Kevin. He went blind. The very last suiter was named Chad. When he saw Zach, his mind exploded with visions of marriage, children, and deer prancing through enchanted forests.

            “Zach, my beloved, will thou marry thee?”

            “Oh, yes, YES!”

            And so they were married. Everything was going so well until Zach was pregnant with octuplets.

            “Oh, Chad! Whatever shall I do?”

            “I know what I’m doing, I’m packing my bags and heading for the hills over yonder.”

            “No!” She screamed in aggony. “Whyever would you do such a horrific thing?”

            “Um, because I’m bored.”

            So with that, Chad left the princess for the first suitor, Cody, whom was acctually a girl(we think). But that didn’t last long either, because Cody became obsessed with Micheal Jackson and started to wear one glove and do the moonwalk everywhere. One day she confronted Chad and said, “I’m sorry. I can’t live with you anymore. My heart is with Micheal Jackson until the end of time.” So she ran off and married the other gender confused person.

            Now Chad decided that living with his mother was the best course of action. She received him graciously and tried to hook him up with her bridge partner’s daughter, Michaela. Now Michaela was just as revolting as Zach, just skinnier, and apparently this was good enough for Chad, because he was married to her within the hour. They were happily married for six months, and all-time record for Chad.

END OF BOOK ONE

 

Book two- ZACH COMES BACK

            Once upon a time after that, Chad was sleeping blissfully when he was awoken by evil laughter coming from above him. And there was Zach, holding a nine-inch blade to his chest. Behind her were eight younger people that looked exactly like Chad.

            “Who are they?” He asked stupidly, instead of trying to escape.

            “Our children, genius. The ones that you left me with.”

            He turns his head ever so slightly to see the horrifying vision of Michaela already bruttaly murdered, lying on the foot of her bed in a pool of flouresant green blood. His life shatters before his eyes. Then he notices something is wrong with that pool of blood. “It’s…it’s…it’s GREEN!” He stammered. “Did you put food coloring in it? Or was it markers?”

            “Nothing gets past you, does it?” She sneered evily. “She was an exraterrestial being.”

            “ET phone home, ET phone home.” His offspring taunted, holding Michaela’s cellphone upside down.

            “Hey, give that to me!” He snapped in aggravation. The phone was ringing. “Hello?” He asked tentivly.

            “Hello, by beautiful, wonderful, most sensational Michaela. My lips await yours at the diner.”

            “Uh, ok. I’ll tell her.” He said, momentarily forgetting her death brought by his jelous ex. “Oh wait, she’s dead right now. Can she call you back later?”

            “Oh sure. Thanks. Goodbye.”

            “Oh wait, who’s this?”

            “Hudson.”

            “I think that name should mean something to me, but it really doesn’t ring a bell at the time.”

            “You’ll get it sooner or later. Cherrio!”

            Zach was currently pawing through Michaela’s belongings. “Nice thongs she had.” She snickered, holding up the bright pink panties.

            “Hey! Those are mine!” He says angrilly. “This is no time or place to be searching my underwear drawer.”

            “Oh? Hey, This bra is just my size. Can I borrow it?”

            “Sure, whatever. Now, have you seen my wife?”

            “Yeah,” Zach replied, trying the bra on, “She’s lying dead in a pool of green blood,”

            “ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”

            “Michaela! No!”

            “ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”

            “Hey, where’s my wife?”

            “ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”

            “Which one? I saw Cody brooding over a quart of beer on our way over.”

            “ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”

            “Uh, I dunno. Where’s my wife?”

            “ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”

            “ Ugh! Never mind! Oh, and I’ll just take your entire underwear drawer, if that’s ok with you.”

            “ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”

            “Sure. Hey you kids! SHUT UP ALREADY!”

            “ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME! ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”

            “See ya. Oh, you can raise the kids now. Have fun!”

            “ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”

            “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…”

            END OF BOOK TWO

 

Book three- Chad in childcare

 

Once upon another time again Chad was having seriious issues in raising his eight identical octuplets. HE could not, for the life of him, remember their names, so he used food items that they fancied.

            “Hey Tapioca! Grab me a beer!”

            “Heck no, you lazy fat butt!”

            “Don’t talk to your father like that, or so help me, I will GROUND you!”

            “Yeah, you could use help.”

            Chad was in bad shape. He gained 1600 pounds in three months of childcare.

            Ugh, he thought, I need to go work out.

            So he went to the gym. Usually, when fat people go to the gym, they take one look at all the work that’s going on and run for it. Or rather waddle for it, in a sense. In this case, upon seeing the exersize equiptment, he cried out in anguish “Wouldn’t it be easier to lose wieght if we all did the cha-cha?!?”

            “Oh yes, a stroke of genius, that is!” exclaimed a women. In fact, it was no ordinary woman, it was Cody-the-drunken-moonwalking-fool! Undubiously, her relationship with Micheal Jackson ended when he molested their thanksgiving meal. So that was how it all started. They made a chain, running so far, it reached the ocean, which was about three feet away from the leader, Chad. They cha-chaed their fat little bodies until they could cha-cha no more. Chad was blissful that he had lost about half the mass of the Saturn’s largest satellite, and he was invited to Oprah to describe his amazing feat. But all that good had to end. His children were getting relentless, always being incredibly sarcastic towards him unil one day, he could handle it no more.

            “All righty, all you brats! Line up!”

            But all eight of them were busy shooting peas at him with high powered rifles.

            “Ack! You shot that pea in my eye! Call 911! AAAAH, it hurts!” he said, hopping around with his hand over his butt.

            “I thought it hit you in the eye,” Caviar sneered.

            “No, I just sat on a thumbtack. But my eye hurts too!” 

            So they dialed 1, thinking that anyone who had a little bit of brain would put 911 speed dial on one. Instead, ET answered.

            “ET PHONE SERVICES. HOW MAY I ASSIST YOU MICHAELA?”

            “Michaela?! This is Escargot.”

            “WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?” said ET.

            “I’m Michaela’s stepdaughter. My father just sat on a thumbtack and my brother Tar-Tar shot a pea in his eye and he needs help.”

            “OH. WELL, WE COULD HAVE SOMEONE COME DOWN THERE AND SURGICALLY REMOVE HIS EYE, REPLACE IT WITH A MARBLE, THEN CUT OPEN HIS HEAD AND REPLACE HIS BRAIN WITH AN ONION,” ET says.

            “Sorry, his brain’s already an onion,” Escargot informed him.

            “OKAY, HOW ABOUT CAULIFLOUR?”

            “I was thinking more along the lines of a dandelion, or some kind of weed. He would always show up at places where he was unwanted.”

            “OKAY. I SHALL SEND SOMEONE IMMEDIATELY.”

            So several extra terrestrial life forms broke down the door of Chad’s house and replaced his brain with a dandelion, but his children noticed no difference.

            “Why, thank you kindly! My brain has never smelled better!” Chad said fondly, stroking his hair.

            His children could see that something had to be done about him, so they held a meeting inside the bathroom.

            “We should find Zach and bring her back,” Tar Tar insisted.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Posted in Various Ramblings

Various Ramblings numba three

1. Hello all you fellow cyber astronauts!

2. You didn't think I would be back, did ya?

3. You thought I was gonna be locked in the funy farm FOREVER

4. Well, I'm not

5. or am I?

6. You know, you're just like that bloody flight attendant…

 7. See, I was on this airplane cuz I was meeting my *ahem* special friend in the Gorgon Republic

8. And there was this guy next to me

9. Said his name was "raman noodle" or something

 10. So, anyways, he started muttering something about Gladys

11.  *shudder*

12. I once had a friend named Gladys

13. She was EVIL

14. And I mean EVIL

15. REALLY EVIL

16. REALLY REALLY EVIL

17. She would slap me and tell me I was a "bad little lunatic"

18. The nerve of some people, you know?

19. So anyways, I started twitching, right?

20. I mean, the girl SCARED ME

21. And some cody raman noodle was talking about her like she was…

22. Some kind of miracle doctor.

23. So then I started laughing

24. REALLY hard

25. And I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY hard

26. He just kind of gave me a funny look and started muttering something…

27. and then he said it…

28. what did he say? 

29. AK! NOOO! YOU'RE BACK!!!

30. *sigh* what did the noodle man say?

31. He said…

32. he said…

33. he said…

34. COME ON! SPIT IT OUT!!!

35. *gulp* he said…paperclip 

36. NOOOOO!!! YOU SAID IT!!! YOU SAID THE CURSED WORD!!!! 

37. NO, HE SAID IT!!! SO THEN ALL THE PEOPLE ON THE PLANE THOUGHT I WAS PSYCO…

38. I won't argue with that…

39. …and then they thought I said there was a bomb on the plane!

40. everybody started freaking out!!!!

41. So the flight attendant called these big guys with badges…

42. Ooooo, shiny badges…

43. SHINY BADGES!!!!! SHINY BADGES!!!! I WANT A SHINY BADGE!!!!!!!

44. Uh oh…

45. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! SHINY BADGES!!!!! They're…so…beautiful…*sigh*

46. Only you-or, I guess, I-would fall in love with a shiny badge…

47. ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?!?!?!?!

48. No, I was-

49. AAAAKKKK!!! YOU CALLED ME FAT!!!! FEAR MY WRATH…BECAUSE I WILL, WITH NO HESITATION…NOPE, NONE AT ALL, I WILL, I WILL, I WILL…I will…what wil I do?

50. Karate-chop me into a nail filer?

 51. YES!!! THAT'S IT!!!!!*ahem* FEAR MY WRATH…BECAUSE I WILL, WITHOUT HESITATION…uh…

53.  Karate-chop me into a nail filer?

 54. YES!!! THAT'S IT!!!!!*ahem* FEAR MY WRATH…BECAUSE I WILL, WITHOUT HESITATION…uh…

55.  Karate-chop me into a nail filer?

 56. YES!!! THAT'S IT!!!!!*ahem* FEAR MY WRATH…BECAUSE I WILL, WITHOUT HESITATION…uh…

57.  Karate-chop me into a nail filer?

58. YES!! KARATE-CHOP YOU INTO A NAIL FILER!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!

59. Wait- why were you going to karate-chop me into a nail filer again?

60. BECAUSE…uh…I dunno?

61. Why can't we just be friends?

62. Well, alright..

63. Wait…ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT???

64. Something tells me this will not end well- URK!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Note from Author's doctor- After an attempt at strangling herself for calling herself fat, we have, once again, taken her back to the asylum in a strait jacket, where she is currently trying-in vain- to play footsies with herself.