[Day 128] Enough with the subtlety

It’s twenty minutes to one and the morning and I’m feeling inspired. Technically, it’s the correct day for this blog, so I’m just gonna go for it. Go big or go home, eh? (I promise I’ll stop wasting your time… NOW!)

I talked to Dylan tonight (told you I was done being subtle). Or late yesterday night. Whatever. It was like a half hour ago that he logged off, ending out hour and a half conversation. Perspective: we haven’t spoken more than three words to each other in over a year. He hasn’t made eye contact with me in that same time frame.

At first, I was surprised that he was even bothering to reply to my belated happy birthday message. I was in a weird mood and had gone out on a limb, not expecting anything back. But to my great confusion, he began to lead the conversation, asking new questions when I didn’t attempt to continue answering the old ones.

Finally, I had enough.

Bri: Can I admit that this is really… unexpected?

Dylan: yep. fr sure

Bri: This whole conversation, I mean.

Dylan: yeah thats what im saying

Bri: What changed, if you don’t mind me asking?

Because I’m pretty sure the last thing you said to me was “dorky. nerdy. strange. annoying. im done.”

*LONG PAUSE*

Dylan: i am sorry for that. i was trying to be cool or whatever. who knows i was odd. i ve sat back from life and seen that it doesnt matter and it only matters what i think and that im the best guy i can be. y’know?

No, Dylan, I don’t know. But that’s not the point of this post. I’m not here to go into details about why I doubt his sincerity. I’m here to highlight something I have honestly never done before:

I spoke up.

See, if this conversation were to continue in the manner I usually held conversations, this little episode would have never happened. As much as I would have liked to finally see closure, I would have settled for a dull but monumental normal conversation, and Dylan would have never found out about how upset I was last year. Ever.

And I was completely honest tonight, too. I didn’t hold back. I described the panic attacks, put them in context, mentioned my therapy, asked the questions I have been burning with for so long.

But my blazing new trails didn’t end here, ladies and gentlemen. Our conversation continued, and somehow got around to a certain internet boy named Sean, who I’m sure I’ll go into more details about later. Anyhoo, Dylan asked a question about him, and this is what I answered:

“Like I said, explaining the whole thing would take forever… and to be honest, I’m not sure if I’m comfortable enough yet to talk to you about it.”

Did you catch that? I’ll give it to you again. “Like I said, explaining the whole thing would take forever… and to be honest, I’m not sure if I’m comfortable enough yet to talk to you about it.”

Three years ago, when an eerily similar conversation took place between us, I didn’t tell Dylan I was uncomfortable confiding in him because of how much he’d hurt me. I didn’t tell Dylan that I didn’t trust him. I just plowed right through and kept talking, until I’d told him so much that I set myself up very nicely to be hurt again. It wasn’t pretty.

This is truly an occasion for me, you have no idea. I have never been this open, this honest to someone who has hurt me. And it feels amazing to get it all off my chest. I never want to revisit the way I felt last year, so I’m not going to. At least, not with Dylan. There are plenty of other fish in the sea that can emotionally scar me; I was just tired of it being the same old fish, over and over again, acting like a jerk.

I’m done with Dylan now, so Sean, you’d better watch out. I’m coming for you next.

(Fun fact: it’s now one AM and I’m wired. Goodnight morning!)