Let This Be A Warning

For every day that someone doesn’t fufill their blogging duty (and let me remind you, they CHOSE to blog weekly), I’m going to post a depressing or
insightful personal blog.

Today’s personal blog is about being in ruts because you like it.

Sounds strange, eh? It’s a strange situation to be in, let me tell you. See, as one of those “emotional creative” types, I thrive on depressing or intense situations. Why? Because it gives me something to write about. My best writing has come from my own experiences that have been exacerbated to better fit a traditional storyline. Most of my best writing, additionally, has been depressing. When I write, I like to tap into the Dionysian side of me (I should get extra credit in Humaities for that, Mrs. Johnson). For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, the Dionysian side is the emotional, impulsive side. My favorite books are books that can make me cry, laugh, or angry. So my writing reflects that; I want to make people angry, happy, or cry. But you can’t really make someone cry with your writing if you can’t capture the emotion just right. Those strong emotions are hard to make up. So when I find myself in a particularly depressing situation, or a particularly stressful one, as much as it sucks, I use them. I let them play out so I can watch what happens, how people react.

And let me tell you, this isn’t healthy. I don’t like an unhappy life, per say. What my mind likes to do is collect all the little things that bother me, all the slightly larger things that bother me, and the big things that cause me extreme duress. When I’m packed so full I can barely stand it, my brain releases it all. At the same time. So I end up having some sort of either panic attack or emotional and psychological breakdown, which is never any fun. Then I write in my journal furiously, cry during Camp Rock, and scare the crap out of my parents.

Then, when I’m pressed to formulate a short story or personal narrative for school, I just flip through my old journal entries or delve deep into my mind, and I’ve got a powerful memory to write about. My latest novel, for example, Reticence, comes almost entirely from my own experiences. I have instant messenger transcripts, old journal entries, old emails, and several of the characters and their respective sub-plots are actual people and their actual lives. It’s a fiction story because I fit all the stuff together within a six month period and twist a couple things to make it believable and fit. But the emotions the main character, Violet Coulter, feels? Entirely my own reactions to similar situations, just dramatized at times.

So what does this say about my psychological well being, doctor? Well, it’s not good news, I’m sorry to say. Until I can balance my emotions in a healthy manner while still using them to harness characters in my writing, I’m going to be a psychological mess.

If you don’t follow me on Twitter, here’s my latest post. “Question: Is crying during Camp Rock a sign of emotional collapse?”

I’m interested in what you have to say.

photo credit: Scarleth White