Me and my friend Rachel wrote these during two of the times she's slept over. We were really bored. Like I said, it's scary what happens when you're bored…
Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom, there was a completely atrocious princess named Zach. She was the ugliest thing for miles around. Her eyes were a muddy green color and her face looked like she ran into a wall and was dropped on her head too much as a baby. She was plump and liked to wear mini-skirts and was covered in large purple acne. Her favorite thing to do was look in mirrors and break them by staring. Her father was getting concerned that she would never have any suitors, so he kiddnapped some young men from a nearby village. The first was named Cody. When he layed eyes on the princess, he screamed and ran away. The second was named Hudson. He suddenly became violently ill and had to be taken home. The third was named Kevin. He went blind. The very last suiter was named Chad. When he saw Zach, his mind exploded with visions of marriage, children, and deer prancing through enchanted forests.
“Zach, my beloved, will thou marry thee?”
“Oh, yes, YES!”
And so they were married. Everything was going so well until Zach was pregnant with octuplets.
“Oh, Chad! Whatever shall I do?”
“I know what I’m doing, I’m packing my bags and heading for the hills over yonder.”
“No!” She screamed in aggony. “Whyever would you do such a horrific thing?”
“Um, because I’m bored.”
So with that, Chad left the princess for the first suitor, Cody, whom was acctually a girl(we think). But that didn’t last long either, because Cody became obsessed with Micheal Jackson and started to wear one glove and do the moonwalk everywhere. One day she confronted Chad and said, “I’m sorry. I can’t live with you anymore. My heart is with Micheal Jackson until the end of time.” So she ran off and married the other gender confused person.
Now Chad decided that living with his mother was the best course of action. She received him graciously and tried to hook him up with her bridge partner’s daughter, Michaela. Now Michaela was just as revolting as Zach, just skinnier, and apparently this was good enough for Chad, because he was married to her within the hour. They were happily married for six months, and all-time record for Chad.
END OF BOOK ONE
Book two- ZACH COMES BACK
Once upon a time after that, Chad was sleeping blissfully when he was awoken by evil laughter coming from above him. And there was Zach, holding a nine-inch blade to his chest. Behind her were eight younger people that looked exactly like Chad.
“Who are they?” He asked stupidly, instead of trying to escape.
“Our children, genius. The ones that you left me with.”
He turns his head ever so slightly to see the horrifying vision of Michaela already bruttaly murdered, lying on the foot of her bed in a pool of flouresant green blood. His life shatters before his eyes. Then he notices something is wrong with that pool of blood. “It’s…it’s…it’s GREEN!” He stammered. “Did you put food coloring in it? Or was it markers?”
“Nothing gets past you, does it?” She sneered evily. “She was an exraterrestial being.”
“ET phone home, ET phone home.” His offspring taunted, holding Michaela’s cellphone upside down.
“Hey, give that to me!” He snapped in aggravation. The phone was ringing. “Hello?” He asked tentivly.
“Hello, by beautiful, wonderful, most sensational Michaela. My lips await yours at the diner.”
“Uh, ok. I’ll tell her.” He said, momentarily forgetting her death brought by his jelous ex. “Oh wait, she’s dead right now. Can she call you back later?”
“Oh sure. Thanks. Goodbye.”
“Oh wait, who’s this?”
“Hudson.”
“I think that name should mean something to me, but it really doesn’t ring a bell at the time.”
“You’ll get it sooner or later. Cherrio!”
Zach was currently pawing through Michaela’s belongings. “Nice thongs she had.” She snickered, holding up the bright pink panties.
“Hey! Those are mine!” He says angrilly. “This is no time or place to be searching my underwear drawer.”
“Oh? Hey, This bra is just my size. Can I borrow it?”
“Sure, whatever. Now, have you seen my wife?”
“Yeah,” Zach replied, trying the bra on, “She’s lying dead in a pool of green blood,”
“ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”
“Michaela! No!”
“ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”
“Hey, where’s my wife?”
“ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”
“Which one? I saw Cody brooding over a quart of beer on our way over.”
“ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”
“Uh, I dunno. Where’s my wife?”
“ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”
“ Ugh! Never mind! Oh, and I’ll just take your entire underwear drawer, if that’s ok with you.”
“ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”
“Sure. Hey you kids! SHUT UP ALREADY!”
“ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME! ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”
“See ya. Oh, you can raise the kids now. Have fun!”
“ET PHONE HOME. ET PHONE HOME!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…”
END OF BOOK TWO
Book three- Chad in childcare
Once upon another time again Chad was having seriious issues in raising his eight identical octuplets. HE could not, for the life of him, remember their names, so he used food items that they fancied.
“Hey Tapioca! Grab me a beer!”
“Heck no, you lazy fat butt!”
“Don’t talk to your father like that, or so help me, I will GROUND you!”
“Yeah, you could use help.”
Chad was in bad shape. He gained 1600 pounds in three months of childcare.
Ugh, he thought, I need to go work out.
So he went to the gym. Usually, when fat people go to the gym, they take one look at all the work that’s going on and run for it. Or rather waddle for it, in a sense. In this case, upon seeing the exersize equiptment, he cried out in anguish “Wouldn’t it be easier to lose wieght if we all did the cha-cha?!?”
“Oh yes, a stroke of genius, that is!” exclaimed a women. In fact, it was no ordinary woman, it was Cody-the-drunken-moonwalking-fool! Undubiously, her relationship with Micheal Jackson ended when he molested their thanksgiving meal. So that was how it all started. They made a chain, running so far, it reached the ocean, which was about three feet away from the leader, Chad. They cha-chaed their fat little bodies until they could cha-cha no more. Chad was blissful that he had lost about half the mass of the Saturn’s largest satellite, and he was invited to Oprah to describe his amazing feat. But all that good had to end. His children were getting relentless, always being incredibly sarcastic towards him unil one day, he could handle it no more.
“All righty, all you brats! Line up!”
But all eight of them were busy shooting peas at him with high powered rifles.
“Ack! You shot that pea in my eye! Call 911! AAAAH, it hurts!” he said, hopping around with his hand over his butt.
“I thought it hit you in the eye,” Caviar sneered.
“No, I just sat on a thumbtack. But my eye hurts too!”
So they dialed 1, thinking that anyone who had a little bit of brain would put 911 speed dial on one. Instead, ET answered.
“ET PHONE SERVICES. HOW MAY I ASSIST YOU MICHAELA?”
“Michaela?! This is Escargot.”
“WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?” said ET.
“I’m Michaela’s stepdaughter. My father just sat on a thumbtack and my brother Tar-Tar shot a pea in his eye and he needs help.”
“OH. WELL, WE COULD HAVE SOMEONE COME DOWN THERE AND SURGICALLY REMOVE HIS EYE, REPLACE IT WITH A MARBLE, THEN CUT OPEN HIS HEAD AND REPLACE HIS BRAIN WITH AN ONION,” ET says.
“Sorry, his brain’s already an onion,” Escargot informed him.
“OKAY, HOW ABOUT CAULIFLOUR?”
“I was thinking more along the lines of a dandelion, or some kind of weed. He would always show up at places where he was unwanted.”
“OKAY. I SHALL SEND SOMEONE IMMEDIATELY.”
So several extra terrestrial life forms broke down the door of Chad’s house and replaced his brain with a dandelion, but his children noticed no difference.
“Why, thank you kindly! My brain has never smelled better!” Chad said fondly, stroking his hair.
His children could see that something had to be done about him, so they held a meeting inside the bathroom.
“We should find Zach and bring her back,” Tar Tar insisted.
TO BE CONTINUED…
I just have to say, this is the funniest thing ever. Truly entertaining. We were geniuses.