I was going for a clever alliteration, but it just sounds creepy. Darn. So as I frantically print out information for our debate scrimmage with the high school across the valley tomorrow (yeah man that’s what I do with MY Valentines Day. Woo. Can I get a N-E-R-D???) since I left our box at school (we left it. WE. Stupid Bart), I’m thinking a lot. Job outsourcing can only hold so much of my rapidly declining attention span.
What have I been thinking about? Well, in between daydreaming about Jason Mraz and Chris Hardwick, I’ve been thinking about happiness. I’ve not always been the happiest person. In 7th grade I wrote my color poem about the color black, and I believe there was a quote in it that said my heart was black and the world is black and whatnot. Thankfully, I have moved past that phase and now I’m just depressed on the inside. (I may look happy kids but I’m CRYING ON THE INSIDE) Not really. But these past few months have not been the best few in my life, but at the same time, they’ve been the most enlightening.
To keep my mind off my emotional difficulties, I channel all of my emotional energy into Jason Mraz. I read his blogs over and over. I listen to his music no matter what I’m doing. I cyber-stalk him. (My spellcheck does not like the word “cyber”. However, it seems to think that “cyberpunk” is a viable, sensible choice to replace it with) Whatever. It keeps my imagination busy, so my non-emotional portion of the brain (a very small portion) can focus on things like school and debate and such. I’ve become emotionally numb to everything else. Bart doesn’t want to hang out at lunch and I have to go eat my bread and cheese in my Forensics classroom? Meh. I’ve got Jason Mraz on my iPod. The guy I like has a girlfriend? I find a new Jason Mraz interview on YouTube. See what I mean? It’s all about prioritizing. It’s probably not the healthiest way to deal with my problems, but at least I’m dealing with them. At this phase of my life, I don’t think I really want to complicate things with a relationship unless I am 100% committed, and I don’t know if I trust anyone enough to do that. And in realizing that, guess what? I’m happy! It snowed today, and I’d left my jacket in my locker, so I had to walk to some of my classes outside, but I didn’t care! I spun in circles and caught snowflakes on my tongue. I don’t remember when the last time I did that genuinely was. Also, it’s Friday the 13th, and I haven’t ruined anyone’s life! (I hope that doesn’t inx me, I’ve still got a couple hours) Friday the 13th has not been good to people I know. Sorry.
And then I reached a new level of spiritual enlightenment in Forensics yesterday when I was in an exceptionally homicidal mood. Stupid sophomores wouldn’t shut up. Anyways. To calm down, I wrote down my happy place in my journal. This happy place is my escape from reality (and no, it doesn’t involve Jason Mraz. At least not the PG happy place) (I’m totally kidding) (kind of). I would suggest writing down a happy place to anyone. I look at it now when I’m angry or annoyed and it calms me. I’ve decided to share this tidbit of my insanity with all of you, and I invite you to post your own happy places in the comments!
I’m in a coffee shop in Italy. It’s warm inside, but outside it’s a bit chilly. I’m sitting at a small table in the window wearing comfy jeans and a warm, auburn sweater, looking out at a cobblestone sidewalk and the reds, oranges, and golds of fallen leaves. It’s sunny, and I’ve yet to see someone walk by without a smile. Inside, I’m sipping a late, rich and warm. It slides down my throat smoothly, without burning me, and it travels down my chest, leaving me feeling light and tingly. There is a small notebook in front of me, open to a blank page, and a dark orange pen is uncapped on top of it. There is an empty, dark red chair opposite of me, the same kind that I’m sitting in, but it doesn’t bother me. I bask in the absolute silence.
So this blog is mostly rambling. Sorry. I’m in a weird mood.
