So since the only three people blogging lately have been myself, my brother, and Cody (Scarface), you all have earned yourselves another depressing personal blog. Continue reading “I tried to warn you”
I tried to warn you
Tag: rant
Let This Be A Warning
For every day that someone doesn’t fufill their blogging duty (and let me remind you, they CHOSE to blog weekly), I’m going to post a depressing or
insightful personal blog. Continue reading “Let This Be A Warning”
Patterns
It seems to me like the motivation for living is to be different than everyone else. Through our experiences, we’ve seen other people crash and burn and ideas fade away and innovations fail, and we want to make sure that doesn’t happen to us too. We want to find our own way of going through life and our own way of making decisions and have our own identity and believe that yes, if we try hard enough, things CAN change. You CAN be different. Continue reading “Patterns”
Mirrors and Hotels
Mirrors are very useful contraptions. When you walk by one, it’s hard not to check your hair or that grossly disproportionate thing on your face that is your nose. (Maybe that’s just me) But mirrors can be awkward too. So here, now, are the three most awkward placements of mirrors. Continue reading “Mirrors and Hotels”
Ok, before this gets out of hand…
I would first like to thank Dorenka for bringing up my alleged narcissism. You really opened a can of worms with THAT.
Moving on, let’s delve into this. I started this website the second semester of my 8th grade year. It was the extension of my first website that was basically a page off of my dad’s website, which I called Bri’s Place. You know why I called it that? Because it was the very first place I could talk about whatever the heck I wanted, and I could be as strange or as serious or as funny as I wanted to. BrisPlace.com was already taken, so I named my website after a song I’d penned, entitled “My Own World”. Note: Middle School was the most depressing three years of my life. I hated it. It was terrible. My self esteem had hit rock bottom. You have no idea.
So I started the website as a regular blog, somewhere to post short stories, poems, little essays I wrote, and lyrics. It was my world, after all. Then I started feeling empowered by the internet’s anonymity. So I thought, why not enjoy myself a little? I then proceeded to create an alter ego, Vannah. She was outgoing, strong minded, and slightly narcissistic. For a while, I actually convinced people that she was her own, separate entity. But that’s not really important. What’s important was that I finally had an outlet for myself; for the first time, I didn’t have to worry about what other people thought, and I didn’t have to worry about everyone else’s problems. I figured, after all the crap I’d gone through in middle school, I deserved to be a little narcissistic.
After a while, Vannah morphed into Bri and I became much more confident. Obviously, most of the ‘narcissism’ is sarcasm, because it’s fun to act like a total self centered jerk sometimes and not mean it at all. If helped me gain confidence, and enabled me to begin making more and better friends. It was a stepping stone.
But like I said, it was all a joke. I still have self esteem issues. I still doubt myself and my abilities to function in real life. So I think that I’m entitled to be sarcastically self centered on my own website, thanks very much.
Oh, and for the record, Twitter was just a whim that I really enjoy. It’s like posting mini blogs instead of gunking up the actual website. And I can update from anywhere. I’m obsessed, and not because I want everyone to know what I’m doing EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY because I’m a narcissist. No, I just like it a lot.
And honestly, anyone who takes my narcissism on this website seriously and personally, grow the heck up and learn how to detect sarcasm. It’s a neat little device.
Nine O’Clock Niblets
I was going for a clever alliteration, but it just sounds creepy. Darn. So as I frantically print out information for our debate scrimmage with the high school across the valley tomorrow (yeah man that’s what I do with MY Valentines Day. Woo. Can I get a N-E-R-D???) since I left our box at school (we left it. WE. Stupid Bart), I’m thinking a lot. Job outsourcing can only hold so much of my rapidly declining attention span.
What have I been thinking about? Well, in between daydreaming about Jason Mraz and Chris Hardwick, I’ve been thinking about happiness. I’ve not always been the happiest person. In 7th grade I wrote my color poem about the color black, and I believe there was a quote in it that said my heart was black and the world is black and whatnot. Thankfully, I have moved past that phase and now I’m just depressed on the inside. (I may look happy kids but I’m CRYING ON THE INSIDE) Not really. But these past few months have not been the best few in my life, but at the same time, they’ve been the most enlightening.
To keep my mind off my emotional difficulties, I channel all of my emotional energy into Jason Mraz. I read his blogs over and over. I listen to his music no matter what I’m doing. I cyber-stalk him. (My spellcheck does not like the word “cyber”. However, it seems to think that “cyberpunk” is a viable, sensible choice to replace it with) Whatever. It keeps my imagination busy, so my non-emotional portion of the brain (a very small portion) can focus on things like school and debate and such. I’ve become emotionally numb to everything else. Bart doesn’t want to hang out at lunch and I have to go eat my bread and cheese in my Forensics classroom? Meh. I’ve got Jason Mraz on my iPod. The guy I like has a girlfriend? I find a new Jason Mraz interview on YouTube. See what I mean? It’s all about prioritizing. It’s probably not the healthiest way to deal with my problems, but at least I’m dealing with them. At this phase of my life, I don’t think I really want to complicate things with a relationship unless I am 100% committed, and I don’t know if I trust anyone enough to do that. And in realizing that, guess what? I’m happy! It snowed today, and I’d left my jacket in my locker, so I had to walk to some of my classes outside, but I didn’t care! I spun in circles and caught snowflakes on my tongue. I don’t remember when the last time I did that genuinely was. Also, it’s Friday the 13th, and I haven’t ruined anyone’s life! (I hope that doesn’t inx me, I’ve still got a couple hours) Friday the 13th has not been good to people I know. Sorry.
And then I reached a new level of spiritual enlightenment in Forensics yesterday when I was in an exceptionally homicidal mood. Stupid sophomores wouldn’t shut up. Anyways. To calm down, I wrote down my happy place in my journal. This happy place is my escape from reality (and no, it doesn’t involve Jason Mraz. At least not the PG happy place) (I’m totally kidding) (kind of). I would suggest writing down a happy place to anyone. I look at it now when I’m angry or annoyed and it calms me. I’ve decided to share this tidbit of my insanity with all of you, and I invite you to post your own happy places in the comments!
I’m in a coffee shop in Italy. It’s warm inside, but outside it’s a bit chilly. I’m sitting at a small table in the window wearing comfy jeans and a warm, auburn sweater, looking out at a cobblestone sidewalk and the reds, oranges, and golds of fallen leaves. It’s sunny, and I’ve yet to see someone walk by without a smile. Inside, I’m sipping a late, rich and warm. It slides down my throat smoothly, without burning me, and it travels down my chest, leaving me feeling light and tingly. There is a small notebook in front of me, open to a blank page, and a dark orange pen is uncapped on top of it. There is an empty, dark red chair opposite of me, the same kind that I’m sitting in, but it doesn’t bother me. I bask in the absolute silence.
So this blog is mostly rambling. Sorry. I’m in a weird mood.
Technology Lies
Ever since it’s debut in my household, my cellphone’s tomfoolery has become well known among family members for doing things like setting my alarm off on weekends to wake my dad up, completely ignoring calls from my friends and family, and once in a blue moon, it will fail to go off entirely, leaving me scrambling to get dressed and ready for school. However, today it has finally crossed the line.
You see, when I set my alarm to five-thirty in the morning last Monday, I expected it to go off at five-thirty in the morning. And it did, the first four days. But today, by some happy miracle, it decided that two thirty in the morning was a much better time for me to wake up. Half asleep and feeling sick, I got up, took a shower, cooked breakfast, and thinking I was late, began sprinting around the house trying to get everything in my backpack. Positive I was late, I shouted a hurried, curse-ladden farewell to my family before running out the door, hoping to FSM that I wouldn’t miss my bus.
I then spent the next twenty minutes at my bus stop in near-blizzard conditions, texting Bri idiotic questions about when our bus might be arriving. Only the auto-text feature on my phone apparently likes “cup” better than “bus” so my texts came out to something like “We are taking the cup today, yeah?” and ” Did the cup already come?”.
Taking pity upon her idiot neighbor, Bri responded kindly by informing me that “It’s three in the morning”. The next few minutes was marked by laughter that probably sounded maniacal to my sleeping neighbors and the overwelming urge to cry.
That, my friends, is how you end up writing blogs at 4:34 in the morning.
Grammy THIS, Coldplay
For those of you who don’t know me, I’m still smarting over the Grammys. Jason Mraz was nominated for three awards and walked away with 0. “I’m Yours” should have gotten song of the year, NOT “Viva La Vida”. It’s an ok song, yeah, but it’s not anywhere near Jason’s musical masterpiece. This development in his fantastic career is troubling. Stupid Coldplay. I’m slightly less upset about John Mayer beating him out for “Best Male Pop Vocals” with “Say”, but still. Jason’s voice was better, although I’m glad that if anyone won, it was John. (I love how I refer to them by their first names, like we’re buds) (On the other hand, Jason and I are going to get married some day, so it’s ok)
Highlights:
Record of the Year: Robert Plant and Alison Kraus: Please Read the Letter
Best New Artist: Adele
Best Rock Album: Coldplay, Viva La Vida, or Death and All His Friends
Song of the Year: Coldplay, Viva La Vida (Hate is pouring from my soul)
Best Pop Vocal Performance (Female): Adele, Chasing Pavements
Best Pop Vocal Performance (Male): John Mayer, Say
Best Rock/Pop Performance by Duo/Group with Vocals: Coldplay, Viva La Vida
Best Pop Collaboration: Robert Plant & Alison Krauss, Rich Woman
Album of the Year: Robert Plant & Alison Krauss: Raising Sand
And now, for the amazingness of Jason… for whom I screamed every time the camera showed him. I thought he was still on tour and he wasn’t going to make it. Although he didn’t perform, he was there! My mom thought I was crazy…
EDIT: John Mayer is a good guy.
Panic Attacks
Tonight, children, as I mentally prepare myself for the ACT tomorrow morning, I want to talk briefly about panic attacks. Have any of you ever had panic attacks? I have. My first panic attack was freshman year, I believe. I was in PE and all of the sudden I got really freaked out for no reason. I felt like my entire family had just been killed in a fire that destroyed my entire home. (Copyright infringement? Sorry Lemony Snicket) But seriously, it was crazy. I had trouble breathing so I just sat down in the corner, wrapped my arms around my legs, pulled my legs to my chest, and freaked out. Why did this happen? To be honest, I don’t know. It could have been that my friends had attacked -yes, literally attacked- me to try and get to my journal, which I had clutched to my chest all lunch period. I was a weird kid, ok? Anyways. Four vicious females jumped me at the same time to try and tear the personalized companion I never let leave my side. I don’t remember, but I think they might have wrestled it away from me once, but I got it back.
Anyways. It might have been that, or it might have been that I’m known to be stressed. All the time. And I’m one of those crazy artist types. Or, as Chris Hardwick puts it, “smarty-pants-creative types,”. I love Chris Hardwick. Gah. Sorry. Keep on track. So after that little incident, I was ok for about two months, before I had another panic attack over Christmas break. I was sitting at the desktop computer at night, which was right next to a very large window with no shade, and I was suddenly afraid that someone could see me right that minute and was planning on murdering me, or, God forbid, startle me by slamming their face into the glass creepily. (Is there a way not to do that creepily?) That wasn’t fun. Then I was panic-attack free, for the most part, until this year. Not only have I been emotionally overwhelmed, but the stress of school and debate is really wearing on my sanity. I’ve had at least three panic attacks since school started. I have managed to keep them at bay since Christmas break, but I’m worried they will come back. And of course, worrying makes panic attacks come faster. And knowing that correlation makes me worry more, which gives me more panic attacks. Sheesh.
But my hero Chris Hardwick, who is not only attractive and amazing and hillarious but also super intelligent, wrote an extensive, entertaining, and informative blog about getting rid of panic attacks. Even if you aren’t crazy like me, you’ll like it. So go. Now. Go read Chris Hardwick’s blog. You’ll thank me for it later.
You should be careful what you wish for!
One thing I’ve noticed about music is that it’s really hard to imagine most people listening to it, unless they’re stereotypical indie types or boy-band loving preteens.
I remember once in middle school where I was once asked if I ever listened to music, not including Beethoven.
Ok, seriously? Do I really look like I listen to classical music? But since then, I’ve watched people closely (do I sound creepy enough yet?) and noticed the exact same thing. I can’t see any of these people listening to music. Even my friend Kelli (SROTS), who is a huge music lover that I’ve personally seen listening to music, and I STILL can’t see it. It’s so weird!
However, there are those people, like our new admin, Shawn, who I can definitely see kicking back with a retro cassette player listening to obscure bands that no one’s heard about. Shawn, like every other cliched (sorry, Shawn) indie rocker, is the kind of person who wears colorful, seizure-inducing graphic tee shirts and skinny jeans. He rocks the straight, shaggy blond hair that’s swept to the side over his eyes, the over-sized skater shoes, and the handmade beanies. (Has anyone else noticed this new trend… colorful hand made stocking caps? Or the fact that boys are learning to knit so they can make them themselves? No se…)
I can imagine Shawn rocking out on an actual guitar listening to bands like Run Kid Run, Metro Station, and INSERT NEEDLESSLY LONG OBSCURE INDIE BAND NAME HERE. Not to diss your music or your look, indie rockers, I like a lot of that stuff too. Red Jumpsuit Aparatus and Death Cab For Cutie are bands I regularly enjoy.
But really, can you actually imagine just some normal person listening to music? Everyone has their specific musical tastes, but not matter how much you understand that the cowgirl listens to country, can you actually imagine her, sitting in her room covered in pictures of her and her prize winning rodeo horses, rocking out to Keith Urban?